Posts
So it's been six months since I met the woman of my dreams,the woman I have been waiting for my entire life,the woman I know I was meant to Love for the rest of my life. And I have never been happier ,even though things are not exactly the way I would like them to be.With love come's complications,some little,some not so little.
For most of my adult life I have been in relationships. From the age of 19-25 I was intertwined emotionally and physically with two women,one who was more of a mother figure and another who basically became an obsession.
Each of them I loved for different reasons and each of them gave me something I needed.After I had my daughter I chose to be with the older woman because she gave me and Jesse the security we both needed to grow and evolve. After a while though,the relationship became toxic,possessiveness,jealousy and obsession were our down fall.I felt like i was in a box and the lid had no holes in it,I felt like the life was being choked out of me.
So I walked away,but by the time I walked I was already 29 and my life seemed to have been at a stand still for the last 5 years.I was ready to bust out and that's exactly what I did.Some how I managed to go from one extreme to another.My next serious relationship was with a women 12 years younger then me. She was pretty innocent but extremely mature. I tried to stay away from her but she was pretty persistent and there was something about her that captured my heart. We stayed together for over six years, the brake up almost destroyed me, I have never felt that kind of pain in my heart.
Some how though I survived and made it through, for two years after Ellen I was involved with Kathy. Now Kathy was a sweet heart but very hard to read. We had a great time for a little while but we didn't have enough in common to keep it together.She helped me get through a really rough time and I will always be grateful for her for that.
After Kathy I decided I wanted to come back to Boston and start over and here I am 6 years later.When I first got back I met a really great woman, she of my favorite people today. But we went through our share of insanity but still managed to make some great memories.She will always have a spot in my heart just for her.She will always be my Crazy Greek.
Present day today I am involved with someone who gives me everything I have ever wanted or desired from partner.I am truly the luckiest girl in the world and I can't wait to start my life with her and create the next chapters in my life with her.Life and Love is good.......
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Februaruy 12,1991...The Day that changed me forever.....
Today is my daughters 19th birthday,I remember the day she was born as if it just happened...And in a flash it's 19 years later.Its amazing how quickly time passes and we are so consumed with our jobs, our addictions.our insecurities that we don't appreciate the moment. I am guilty of not appreciating and loving the people in my life at this moment. I try to and I am much better then I was 10 years ago but still time does get away from me every once in a while.
But days like today remind me of why we are here,19 years ago to this date I was in labor for over 30 hours..My girlfriend at the time ,my first true love,Anna Delgado was with me breathing and sweating and comforting me the way any nurturing and loving partner would. She did everything she could think of ,even sang to me to keep me calm and to help me through the process.
Finally after 29 hours the doctor told me he was going to give me something to help me sleep for a bit and they sent me up to my room to rest. Once we got into the room i felt so relaxed ,I was so tired. I closed my eyes just for a minute and then all of a sudden I felt this sharp pain that felt like someone was cutting through me in my stomach.
"I have to go to the bathroom,right now!" Anna helped me to the bathroom and helped me get on the toilet,as I sat there pushing, Anna looked at me and started panicking..."Get off the toilet!" she screamed at me."What,no," I said.She pulled me off the toilet and screamed for a nurse ,thank god because Jesse's head was crowning and she was finally ready to come out and join the world.Nurses rushed in and brought me back up stairs to the delivery room. Once I got there it took 15 minutes for me to push out the most amazing person in my life.The angel that saved me from self distcruction so many times ,over and over again.
She is the most important person in my life,the one thing that is constant and always on my mind and in my heart. I am so proud of her because she has become the young woman I always new she would be.My heart is filled with gratitude and love whenever I think of the gift of life and opportunity I was given to be a part of her growth...
Being a parent isn't always easy,we aren't given a instruction book when we decide to be parents. We just hope and prey we don't fuck our kids up and we have learned enough from our parents and our mistakes to give them the tools they need to become productive adults.
I love my daughter and I am so proud to say Happy Birthday Baby girl and thank you for giving me the best possible gift I could ever get ..Your Love...
You are amazing and I know you are meant to do great things in the future...I hope I am here to be a part of that...
But days like today remind me of why we are here,19 years ago to this date I was in labor for over 30 hours..My girlfriend at the time ,my first true love,Anna Delgado was with me breathing and sweating and comforting me the way any nurturing and loving partner would. She did everything she could think of ,even sang to me to keep me calm and to help me through the process.
Finally after 29 hours the doctor told me he was going to give me something to help me sleep for a bit and they sent me up to my room to rest. Once we got into the room i felt so relaxed ,I was so tired. I closed my eyes just for a minute and then all of a sudden I felt this sharp pain that felt like someone was cutting through me in my stomach.
"I have to go to the bathroom,right now!" Anna helped me to the bathroom and helped me get on the toilet,as I sat there pushing, Anna looked at me and started panicking..."Get off the toilet!" she screamed at me."What,no," I said.She pulled me off the toilet and screamed for a nurse ,thank god because Jesse's head was crowning and she was finally ready to come out and join the world.Nurses rushed in and brought me back up stairs to the delivery room. Once I got there it took 15 minutes for me to push out the most amazing person in my life.The angel that saved me from self distcruction so many times ,over and over again.
She is the most important person in my life,the one thing that is constant and always on my mind and in my heart. I am so proud of her because she has become the young woman I always new she would be.My heart is filled with gratitude and love whenever I think of the gift of life and opportunity I was given to be a part of her growth...
Being a parent isn't always easy,we aren't given a instruction book when we decide to be parents. We just hope and prey we don't fuck our kids up and we have learned enough from our parents and our mistakes to give them the tools they need to become productive adults.
I love my daughter and I am so proud to say Happy Birthday Baby girl and thank you for giving me the best possible gift I could ever get ..Your Love...
You are amazing and I know you are meant to do great things in the future...I hope I am here to be a part of that...
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Finally I am going to get my book published.....
Ok folk's I got a phone call and I am so freakin exited because America's Publishing wants to publish my book ...and they offered me a seven year contract but I definitely need to get a lawyer to take a look at it because i have know idea..so if anyone knows anything or has any suggestion's ..let me know...
Later
Tell someone you love them
Later
Tell someone you love them
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Reality of Love and Choice....
Have you ever been so sick with the flue that you couldn’t determine what’s real or not real? When you have a fever and the chills and your sweating all at the same time. Where your dreams are intertwined with your reality and you don’t know what’s what. The crazy thing is when that happens ,now hear me out, I think that’s when you go through those experience’s where your soul is trying to show or tell you something. It’s forcing you to see the truth ,your path and where you belong,
I have been through that experience and just before I got sick I had been doing a lot of meditating about my situation. What I should do, what would be the best course of action for everyone involved. Now there are thing’s that you choose to do because you have a choice, obviously and then there are thing’s that you are meant to do. When you have a choice that means you have more then one path to take as to when you are given no choice and the life lesson or the path has been put there so can’t skip it and take another path.
My observation would lead me to believe that love and death are two journey’s that you must take whether you choose it or not. Although love can be overlooked, screened, misleading, dangerous, and avoided if you let your ego rule your heart. It amazes me how much power our ego has over us. Our ego’s can create good and bad emotions depending on our mind set or our will power.
Even though you may think that what you are doing is the right thing ,is it? I mean if you fall in love with someone who is already attached and they fall in love with you, are you wrong, is love wrong? Is it ok to deceive the partner of the person who is with whoever you fell in love with? Should you stay away from them until they resolve or change there situation? Or do you stay and wait and do whatever you can to show them that you truly love them and will be there no matter what?
Even if they hurt you with there indecisiveness and fear of what can be. Do you stand strong and believe that what they are saying is truth because what you are saying is truth. Why would it be better for me to cut ties and walk away and hope that she does what she say’s she will do? I hate being in my head sometimes,it can be so annoying. Bottom line is this I love her and I believe we belong together, so why shouldn’t I wait ?
Maybe she is another messenger sent to me to get me on the right path, to teach me to trust and be patient. Maybe I am here just to give her some strength so she can do what she needs to do and we are not meant to be together. Maybe she just needs me so she can truly feel what real unconditional love is so she can love herself for once unconditionally. My life up until this point has had many disappointments and joys, I don’t have all the answers I don’t want them all ,I just want the people in my life to know what it feels like to be happy with themselves . To have the chance to feel true joy and pure, unconditional love for themselves and from someone else. To feel no fear when it comes to love, to embrace it and no that it is everything and without it ,nothing else matters.
To take that leap and believe in yourself and love is what true happiness is, that’s what I want for the people in my life….TRUE HAPPINESS…
I have been through that experience and just before I got sick I had been doing a lot of meditating about my situation. What I should do, what would be the best course of action for everyone involved. Now there are thing’s that you choose to do because you have a choice, obviously and then there are thing’s that you are meant to do. When you have a choice that means you have more then one path to take as to when you are given no choice and the life lesson or the path has been put there so can’t skip it and take another path.
My observation would lead me to believe that love and death are two journey’s that you must take whether you choose it or not. Although love can be overlooked, screened, misleading, dangerous, and avoided if you let your ego rule your heart. It amazes me how much power our ego has over us. Our ego’s can create good and bad emotions depending on our mind set or our will power.
Even though you may think that what you are doing is the right thing ,is it? I mean if you fall in love with someone who is already attached and they fall in love with you, are you wrong, is love wrong? Is it ok to deceive the partner of the person who is with whoever you fell in love with? Should you stay away from them until they resolve or change there situation? Or do you stay and wait and do whatever you can to show them that you truly love them and will be there no matter what?
Even if they hurt you with there indecisiveness and fear of what can be. Do you stand strong and believe that what they are saying is truth because what you are saying is truth. Why would it be better for me to cut ties and walk away and hope that she does what she say’s she will do? I hate being in my head sometimes,it can be so annoying. Bottom line is this I love her and I believe we belong together, so why shouldn’t I wait ?
Maybe she is another messenger sent to me to get me on the right path, to teach me to trust and be patient. Maybe I am here just to give her some strength so she can do what she needs to do and we are not meant to be together. Maybe she just needs me so she can truly feel what real unconditional love is so she can love herself for once unconditionally. My life up until this point has had many disappointments and joys, I don’t have all the answers I don’t want them all ,I just want the people in my life to know what it feels like to be happy with themselves . To have the chance to feel true joy and pure, unconditional love for themselves and from someone else. To feel no fear when it comes to love, to embrace it and no that it is everything and without it ,nothing else matters.
To take that leap and believe in yourself and love is what true happiness is, that’s what I want for the people in my life….TRUE HAPPINESS…
Thursday, January 21, 2010
WHAT IF........
What if throughout your entire life you felt like you were meant to do something extraordinary…Would you follow your heart?
What if even though unbelievable ,unbearable circumstances continued to present themselves.. Would you still move forward and follow your heart?
What if all of your lessons you have learned throughout from your very first breath.. Were meant to bring you to this moment?
What if each person you have come in contact with led you to where you are.. Would you accept your fate and live it?
What if every challenge you have met was to create this moment in time.. Would you be happy or sad?
What if every person you have loved and lost were placed in your life so you could be who you are right now.. Would you continue on the journey or stand still?
What if you were told you had six months to live.. Would you live life like every moment mattered or would you be afraid?
What if each moment you have was a moment you couldn’t get back.. Would you be happy in it or let it pass by without feeling it?
What if each memory you have the choice to create, you no longer had the choice to create.. Would you feel cheated or relieved?
What if the person you were meant to be with was right in front of you.. Would you embrace it or step back from it?
What if your fears held you back from true happiness.. Would you stare them in the face or let them win?
What if life was meant to be lived with love, courage, compassion and faith..
Would you be able to accept it and just BE?
What if even though unbelievable ,unbearable circumstances continued to present themselves.. Would you still move forward and follow your heart?
What if all of your lessons you have learned throughout from your very first breath.. Were meant to bring you to this moment?
What if each person you have come in contact with led you to where you are.. Would you accept your fate and live it?
What if every challenge you have met was to create this moment in time.. Would you be happy or sad?
What if every person you have loved and lost were placed in your life so you could be who you are right now.. Would you continue on the journey or stand still?
What if you were told you had six months to live.. Would you live life like every moment mattered or would you be afraid?
What if each moment you have was a moment you couldn’t get back.. Would you be happy in it or let it pass by without feeling it?
What if each memory you have the choice to create, you no longer had the choice to create.. Would you feel cheated or relieved?
What if the person you were meant to be with was right in front of you.. Would you embrace it or step back from it?
What if your fears held you back from true happiness.. Would you stare them in the face or let them win?
What if life was meant to be lived with love, courage, compassion and faith..
Would you be able to accept it and just BE?
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
New Beginnings...are scary but so worth it.....
Isn't it awesome when you make up your mind to do something and you just do it..I love it when I here that someone I love is taking step's to create the destiny they deserve.It makes me so proud when I here the excitement in someone's voice when they are about to embark on a new challenge or a change that they know in there hearts will give them so much more room to grow and be who they were meant to be......Each change will create new opportunity and give new life to your old one.
Life is good when you have choice's and you make the decision to follow a dream or be in a place that will make you happier..I LOVE HAPPY PEOPLE....Congratulations your life is now yours...
Life is good when you have choice's and you make the decision to follow a dream or be in a place that will make you happier..I LOVE HAPPY PEOPLE....Congratulations your life is now yours...
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
For The Love of a Butterfly......C.O.A.L.B
“Every one of us has our own mechanisms to protect ourselves, including me. I let people see or think what they want about me because I don’t trust people can handle all of me; Just certain parts. I haven’t met anyone that could yet. Well, maybe one woman in my past, and I married her. She is actually the only women I ever married.
“Carol had it in her head that I was this overly sensitive lesbian looking for love in all the wrong places. She felt like I wore my heart on my sleeve, that’s a strange analogy isn’t it. Actually I wore my heart in my chest but my heart was open to anyone that opened their heart to me. I felt a pull to Nicky’s heart and I thought I could help her open her heart up more. That’s all. Yes we were attracted to each other and yes I wanted to sleep with her. Sex wasn’t all I wanted but maybe that’s all she wanted. I felt something amazing when I was with her and I thought she felt something when she was with me. But I could be off; I mean she could shut herself down with the blink of an eye. One second you could be totally connected the next second she doesn’t even see you. What the fuck is wrong with me and yes I am laughing to myself as I write this because I put up with so much shit and I shouldn’t have. I did learn a lot. I understood that Carol was trying to be the big protective sister from the heart breaking lesbian. I just couldn’t see me as the big bad lesbian anyone needed protecting from. If anything I would be just as protective of her as Carol was being. I am pretty harmless. If anything, what I wanted, and still want, for Nicky is for her to know that you can actually have a loving open relationship and your freedom to be yourself. It may be though, that it’s truly possible to be loved and free at the same time.
“Well here is the second email that sent out…because she wouldn’t talk to me. Carol made sure of that and told me so. I really should have stepped away from all of this, but the heart makes us do crazy things.
March 21, 2009 Email to Nicky...
Hi Miss,
Since you won't talk to me.... I will get my crazy thoughts out here and be done with whatever it was I thought I was doing... So I obviously spent the day with Carol yesterday. You were of course the topic of conversation. She was pretty pissed at me because she doesn't think I should date her sister... which is kind of funny since we have not even spent any time alone, so I don’t think you could call anything that we’ve done so far, even close to dating. And now you won't even talk to me but it’s all good... and Carol and I definitely have a difference of opinion... but after talking to her and hearing the conversations the two of you have been having... I understand why she feels the way she feels...to a degree...
Most of the conversation, as I am sure she will tell you, was her telling me her belief on family and how she feels it is her job to protect you... not really from me specifically, but from the big bad lesbians in general… lol.. Basically what I told her was she hurt me by first shutting me out.... I really fucking hate that.... the silent treatment is so damaging.... lol (hint).... but also because I felt like she didn't trust me to do the right thing. Because she basically just thought I wanted to fuck you.... and that’s not the case....Like I told her.. when I think about you, it makes me feel good. When I talk to or see you it makes me happy. Yes, I am attracted to you and I think you are attracted to me... but now I am not so sure... maybe... but, and this is where is gets sticky, she thinks you are just looking for an experience with a woman. And if that’s the case, there are plenty of women who would be more than happy to help you out with that. Me - I think you are looking for something more. Whether you find it in a man or woman makes no difference. And that’s how I look at things. Yes I am a lesbian but if I met a man that I connected with or whom I was emotionally, sexually and mentally drawn to.....would I ignore it? Probably not....just have never come across it....
Life is too short to ignore the things that make you feel happy or joyful... or make you smile... and I don't take happiness of any kind for granted. I am sorry I have caused so much discontent with you and your sister. I love her with all my heart. All I wanted was a chance for you and me to get to know each other. But I will put all those feeling where they belong.... they will get buried. I don't understand, but I don't want to cause any problems. She asked me if I was infatuated with you. I asked her what her definition of infatuation was. I feel an unbelievable draw to you. I feel connected to you even when I am not with you. It’s actually very strange to me, and I have already told you that.
So my instructions are I can be friends with you ... more or less... I don't know what you are looking for; only you know that. I wasn't looking for anything when whatever it is ... became whatever it will never be... I guess... Sounds a little crazy doesn't it? I just wanted a chance to make you smile the way you make me smile. Even right now although it’s over before it even began, you are an amazing woman and I hope you find someone who will love you and keep you happy and challenged and make you feel alive and loved the way I would have tried. It’s funny how they say when you have the opportunity to love you should always take it, and here I am. It’s ok... everything happens for a reason, and what is going to be will be, I suppose... But your sister is right. I know myself, and God knows I haven't felt so amazing in so long, and I probably would fall head over heels in love with you... and then we would all be in trouble... if, that is, I let myself. But I am not like anyone you will ever meet, because I know that your happiness and what you wanted would be my priority and I would always make sure we were both happy, because we deserve that. We are great women who love and take care of the people in our lives with great care. And we are silly and compassionate and funny and giving. It’s amazing when I put my list together of the person I wanted to spend my time with, who would have thought... And I promise I will not bother you anymore and I will always say hi and treat you with respect when I see you.... and do whatever to make you laugh.... and I will put my feelings or attraction or connection in check....I don't ever want you to be sad, and I don't want you and Carol fighting. And if you want to have an experience with a woman, I am sure we can find you one. I will always be your friend, and I will always have your best interests at heart.... (-: Just smile and know I want nothing but for you to be happy.....and thank you for everything.
Peace...
“Carol had it in her head that I was this overly sensitive lesbian looking for love in all the wrong places. She felt like I wore my heart on my sleeve, that’s a strange analogy isn’t it. Actually I wore my heart in my chest but my heart was open to anyone that opened their heart to me. I felt a pull to Nicky’s heart and I thought I could help her open her heart up more. That’s all. Yes we were attracted to each other and yes I wanted to sleep with her. Sex wasn’t all I wanted but maybe that’s all she wanted. I felt something amazing when I was with her and I thought she felt something when she was with me. But I could be off; I mean she could shut herself down with the blink of an eye. One second you could be totally connected the next second she doesn’t even see you. What the fuck is wrong with me and yes I am laughing to myself as I write this because I put up with so much shit and I shouldn’t have. I did learn a lot. I understood that Carol was trying to be the big protective sister from the heart breaking lesbian. I just couldn’t see me as the big bad lesbian anyone needed protecting from. If anything I would be just as protective of her as Carol was being. I am pretty harmless. If anything, what I wanted, and still want, for Nicky is for her to know that you can actually have a loving open relationship and your freedom to be yourself. It may be though, that it’s truly possible to be loved and free at the same time.
“Well here is the second email that sent out…because she wouldn’t talk to me. Carol made sure of that and told me so. I really should have stepped away from all of this, but the heart makes us do crazy things.
March 21, 2009 Email to Nicky...
Hi Miss,
Since you won't talk to me.... I will get my crazy thoughts out here and be done with whatever it was I thought I was doing... So I obviously spent the day with Carol yesterday. You were of course the topic of conversation. She was pretty pissed at me because she doesn't think I should date her sister... which is kind of funny since we have not even spent any time alone, so I don’t think you could call anything that we’ve done so far, even close to dating. And now you won't even talk to me but it’s all good... and Carol and I definitely have a difference of opinion... but after talking to her and hearing the conversations the two of you have been having... I understand why she feels the way she feels...to a degree...
Most of the conversation, as I am sure she will tell you, was her telling me her belief on family and how she feels it is her job to protect you... not really from me specifically, but from the big bad lesbians in general… lol.. Basically what I told her was she hurt me by first shutting me out.... I really fucking hate that.... the silent treatment is so damaging.... lol (hint).... but also because I felt like she didn't trust me to do the right thing. Because she basically just thought I wanted to fuck you.... and that’s not the case....Like I told her.. when I think about you, it makes me feel good. When I talk to or see you it makes me happy. Yes, I am attracted to you and I think you are attracted to me... but now I am not so sure... maybe... but, and this is where is gets sticky, she thinks you are just looking for an experience with a woman. And if that’s the case, there are plenty of women who would be more than happy to help you out with that. Me - I think you are looking for something more. Whether you find it in a man or woman makes no difference. And that’s how I look at things. Yes I am a lesbian but if I met a man that I connected with or whom I was emotionally, sexually and mentally drawn to.....would I ignore it? Probably not....just have never come across it....
Life is too short to ignore the things that make you feel happy or joyful... or make you smile... and I don't take happiness of any kind for granted. I am sorry I have caused so much discontent with you and your sister. I love her with all my heart. All I wanted was a chance for you and me to get to know each other. But I will put all those feeling where they belong.... they will get buried. I don't understand, but I don't want to cause any problems. She asked me if I was infatuated with you. I asked her what her definition of infatuation was. I feel an unbelievable draw to you. I feel connected to you even when I am not with you. It’s actually very strange to me, and I have already told you that.
So my instructions are I can be friends with you ... more or less... I don't know what you are looking for; only you know that. I wasn't looking for anything when whatever it is ... became whatever it will never be... I guess... Sounds a little crazy doesn't it? I just wanted a chance to make you smile the way you make me smile. Even right now although it’s over before it even began, you are an amazing woman and I hope you find someone who will love you and keep you happy and challenged and make you feel alive and loved the way I would have tried. It’s funny how they say when you have the opportunity to love you should always take it, and here I am. It’s ok... everything happens for a reason, and what is going to be will be, I suppose... But your sister is right. I know myself, and God knows I haven't felt so amazing in so long, and I probably would fall head over heels in love with you... and then we would all be in trouble... if, that is, I let myself. But I am not like anyone you will ever meet, because I know that your happiness and what you wanted would be my priority and I would always make sure we were both happy, because we deserve that. We are great women who love and take care of the people in our lives with great care. And we are silly and compassionate and funny and giving. It’s amazing when I put my list together of the person I wanted to spend my time with, who would have thought... And I promise I will not bother you anymore and I will always say hi and treat you with respect when I see you.... and do whatever to make you laugh.... and I will put my feelings or attraction or connection in check....I don't ever want you to be sad, and I don't want you and Carol fighting. And if you want to have an experience with a woman, I am sure we can find you one. I will always be your friend, and I will always have your best interests at heart.... (-: Just smile and know I want nothing but for you to be happy.....and thank you for everything.
Peace...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
