For The Love of a Butterfly......C.O.A.L.B

“Every one of us has our own mechanisms to protect ourselves, including me. I let people see or think what they want about me because I don’t trust people can handle all of me; Just certain parts. I haven’t met anyone that could yet. Well, maybe one woman in my past, and I married her. She is actually the only women I ever married. 
“Carol had it in her head that I was this overly sensitive lesbian looking for love in all the wrong places. She felt like I wore my heart on my sleeve, that’s a strange analogy isn’t it. Actually I wore my heart in my chest but my heart was open to anyone that opened their heart to me. I felt a pull to Nicky’s heart and I thought I could help her open her heart up more. That’s all. Yes we were attracted to each other and yes I wanted to sleep with her. Sex wasn’t all I wanted but maybe that’s all she wanted. I felt something amazing when I was with her and I thought she felt something when she was with me. But I could be off; I mean she could shut herself down with the blink of an eye. One second you could be totally connected the next second she doesn’t even see you. What the fuck is wrong with me and yes I am laughing to myself  as I write this because I put up with so much shit and I shouldn’t have. I did learn a lot. I understood that Carol was trying to be the big protective sister from the heart breaking lesbian.  I just couldn’t see me as the big bad lesbian anyone needed protecting from. If anything I would be just as protective of her as Carol was being.  I am pretty harmless. If anything, what I wanted, and still want, for Nicky is for her to know that you can actually have a loving open relationship and your freedom to be yourself. It may be though, that it’s truly possible to be loved and free at the same time.
“Well here is the second email that sent out…because she wouldn’t talk to me. Carol made sure of that and told me so. I really should have stepped away from all of this, but the heart makes us do crazy things.
March 21, 2009 Email to Nicky...
Hi Miss,
Since you won't talk to me.... I will get my crazy thoughts out here and be done with whatever it was I thought I was doing... So I obviously spent the day with Carol yesterday. You were of course the topic of conversation. She was pretty pissed at me because she doesn't think I should date her sister... which is kind of funny since we have not even spent any time alone, so I don’t think you could call anything that we’ve done so far, even close to dating. And now you won't even talk to me but it’s all good... and Carol and I definitely have a difference of opinion... but after talking to her and hearing the conversations the two of you have been having... I understand why she feels the way she feels...to a degree...
Most of the conversation, as I am sure she will tell you, was her telling me her belief on family and how she feels it is her job to protect you... not really from me specifically, but from the big bad lesbians in general… lol.. Basically what I told her was she hurt me by first shutting me out.... I really fucking hate that.... the silent treatment is so damaging.... lol (hint).... but also because I felt like she didn't trust me to do the right thing. Because she basically just thought I wanted to fuck you.... and that’s not the case....Like I told her.. when I think about you, it makes me feel good. When I talk to or see you it makes me happy. Yes, I am attracted to you and I think you are attracted to me... but now I am not so sure... maybe... but, and this is where is gets sticky, she thinks you are just looking for an experience with a woman. And if that’s the case, there are plenty of women who would be more than happy to help you out with that. Me - I think you are looking for something more. Whether you find it in a man or woman makes no difference. And that’s how I look at things. Yes I am a lesbian but if I met a man that I connected with or whom I was emotionally, sexually and mentally drawn to.....would I ignore it? Probably not....just have never come across it....
Life is too short to ignore the things that make you feel happy or joyful... or make you smile... and I don't take happiness of any kind for granted. I am sorry I have caused so much discontent with you and your sister. I love her with all my heart. All I wanted was a chance for you and me to get to know each other. But I will put all those feeling where they belong.... they will get buried. I don't understand, but I don't want to cause any problems. She asked me if I was infatuated with you. I asked her what her definition of infatuation was. I feel an unbelievable draw to you. I feel connected to you even when I am not with you. It’s actually very  strange to me, and I have already told you that.
So my instructions are I can be friends with you ... more or less... I don't know what you are looking for; only you know that. I wasn't looking for anything when whatever it is ... became whatever it will never be... I guess... Sounds a little crazy doesn't it? I just wanted a chance to make you smile the way you make me smile. Even right now although it’s over before it even began, you are an amazing woman and I hope you find someone who will love you and keep you happy and challenged and make you feel alive and loved the way I would have tried. It’s funny how they say when you have the opportunity to love you should always take it, and here I am. It’s ok... everything happens for a reason, and what is going to be will be, I suppose... But your sister is right. I know myself, and God knows I haven't felt so amazing in so long, and I probably would fall head over heels in love with you... and then we would all be in trouble... if, that is, I let myself. But I am not like anyone you will ever meet, because I know that your happiness and what you wanted would be my priority and I would always make sure we were both happy, because we deserve that. We are great women who love and take care of the people in our lives with great care. And we are silly and compassionate and funny and giving. It’s amazing when I put my list together of the person I wanted to spend my time with, who would have thought... And I promise I will not bother you anymore and I will always say hi and treat you with respect when I see you.... and do whatever to make you laugh.... and I will put my feelings or attraction or connection in check....I don't ever want you to be sad, and I don't want you and Carol fighting. And if you want to have an experience with a woman, I am sure we can find you one. I will always be your friend, and I will always have your best interests at heart.... (-: Just smile and know I want nothing but for you to be happy.....and thank you for everything.

Peace...