Chronicles of a Lesbian Bartender

Being in Love Rocks......

2010-02-23T22:28:00.000-08:00

So it's been six months since I met the woman of my dreams,the woman I have been waiting for my entire life,the woman I know I was meant to Love for the rest of my life. And I have never been happier ,even though things are not exactly the way I would like them to be.With love come's complications,some little,some not so little.
For most of my adult life I have been in relationships. From the age of 19-25 I was intertwined emotionally and physically with two women,one who was more of a mother figure and another who basically became an obsession.
Each of them I loved for different reasons and each of them gave me something I needed.After I had my daughter I chose to be with the older woman because she gave me and Jesse the security we both needed to grow and evolve. After a while though,the relationship became toxic,possessiveness,jealousy and obsession were our down fall.I felt like i was in a box and the lid had no holes in it,I felt like the life was being choked out of me.
So I walked away,but by the time I walked I was already 29 and my life seemed to have been at a stand still for the last 5 years.I was ready to bust out and that's exactly what I did.Some how I managed to go from one extreme to another.My next serious relationship was with a women 12 years younger then me. She was pretty innocent but extremely mature. I tried to stay away from her but she was pretty persistent and there was something about her that captured my heart. We stayed together for over six years, the brake up almost destroyed me, I have never felt that kind of pain in my heart.
Some how though I survived and made it through, for two years after Ellen I was involved with Kathy. Now Kathy was a sweet heart but very hard to read. We had a great time for a little while but we didn't have enough in common to keep it together.She helped me get through a really rough time and I will always be grateful for her for that.
After Kathy I decided I wanted to come back to Boston and start over and here I am 6 years later.When I first got back I met a really great woman, she of my favorite people today. But we went through our share of insanity but still managed to make some great memories.She will always have a spot in my heart just for her.She will always be my Crazy Greek.
Present day today I am involved with someone who gives me everything I have ever wanted or desired from partner.I am truly the luckiest girl in the world and I can't wait to start my life with her and create the next chapters in my life with her.Life and Love is good.......

Februaruy 12,1991...The Day that changed me forever.....

2010-02-12T11:25:00.000-08:00

Today is my daughters 19th birthday,I remember the day she was born as if it just happened...And in a flash it's 19 years later.Its amazing how quickly time passes and we are so consumed with our jobs, our addictions.our insecurities that we don't appreciate the moment. I am guilty of not appreciating and loving the people in my life at this moment. I try to and I am much better then I was 10 years ago but still time does get away from me every once in a while.
But days like today remind me of why we are here,19 years ago to this date I was in labor for over 30 hours..My girlfriend at the time ,my first true love,Anna Delgado was with me breathing and sweating and comforting me the way any nurturing and loving partner would. She did everything she could think of ,even sang to me to keep me calm and to help me through the process.
Finally after 29 hours the doctor told me he was going to give me something to help me sleep for a bit and they sent me up to my room to rest. Once we got into the room i felt so relaxed ,I was so tired. I closed my eyes just for a minute and then all of a sudden I felt this sharp pain that felt like someone was cutting through me in my stomach.
"I have to go to the bathroom,right now!" Anna helped me to the bathroom and helped me get on the toilet,as I sat there pushing, Anna looked at me and started panicking..."Get off the toilet!" she screamed at me."What,no," I said.She pulled me off the toilet and screamed for a nurse ,thank god because Jesse's head was crowning and she was finally ready to come out and join the world.Nurses rushed in and brought me back up stairs to the delivery room. Once I got there it took 15 minutes for me to push out the most amazing person in my life.The angel that saved me from self distcruction so many times ,over and over again.
She is the most important person in my life,the one thing that is constant and always on my mind and in my heart. I am so proud of her because she has become the young woman I always new she would be.My heart is filled with gratitude and love whenever I think of the gift of life and opportunity I was given to be a part of her growth...
Being a parent isn't always easy,we aren't given a instruction book when we decide to be parents. We just hope and prey we don't fuck our kids up and we have learned enough from our parents and our mistakes to give them the tools they need to become productive adults.
I love my daughter and I am so proud to say Happy Birthday Baby girl and thank you for giving me the best possible gift I could ever get ..Your Love...
You are amazing and I know you are meant to do great things in the future...I hope I am here to be a part of that...

Finally I am going to get my book published.....

2010-01-27T23:09:00.000-08:00

Ok folk's I got a phone call and I am so freakin exited because America's Publishing wants to publish my book ...and they offered me a seven year contract but I definitely need to get a lawyer to take a look at it because i have know idea..so if anyone knows anything or has any suggestion's ..let me know...
Later
Tell someone you love them

Reality of Love and Choice....

2010-01-26T12:59:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been so sick with the flue that you couldn’t determine what’s real or not real? When you have a fever and the chills and your sweating all at the same time. Where your dreams are intertwined with your reality and you don’t know what’s what. The crazy thing is when that happens ,now hear me out, I think that’s when you go through those experience’s where your soul is trying to show or tell you something. It’s forcing you to see the truth ,your path and where you belong,
I have been through that experience and just before I got sick I had been doing a lot of meditating about my situation. What I should do, what would be the best course of action for everyone involved. Now there are thing’s that you choose to do because you have a choice, obviously and then there are thing’s that you are meant to do. When you have a choice that means you have more then one path to take as to when you are given no choice and the life lesson or the path has been put there so can’t skip it and take another path.
My observation would lead me to believe that love and death are two journey’s that you must take whether you choose it or not. Although love can be overlooked, screened, misleading, dangerous, and avoided if you let your ego rule your heart. It amazes me how much power our ego has over us. Our ego’s can create good and bad emotions depending on our mind set or our will power.
Even though you may think that what you are doing is the right thing ,is it? I mean if you fall in love with someone who is already attached and they fall in love with you, are you wrong, is love wrong? Is it ok to deceive the partner of the person who is with whoever you fell in love with? Should you stay away from them until they resolve or change there situation? Or do you stay and wait and do whatever you can to show them that you truly love them and will be there no matter what?
Even if they hurt you with there indecisiveness and fear of what can be. Do you stand strong and believe that what they are saying is truth because what you are saying is truth. Why would it be better for me to cut ties and walk away and hope that she does what she say’s she will do? I hate being in my head sometimes,it can be so annoying. Bottom line is this I love her and I believe we belong together, so why shouldn’t I wait ?
Maybe she is another messenger sent to me to get me on the right path, to teach me to trust and be patient. Maybe I am here just to give her some strength so she can do what she needs to do and we are not meant to be together. Maybe she just needs me so she can truly feel what real unconditional love is so she can love herself for once unconditionally. My life up until this point has had many disappointments and joys, I don’t have all the answers I don’t want them all ,I just want the people in my life to know what it feels like to be happy with themselves . To have the chance to feel true joy and pure, unconditional love for themselves and from someone else. To feel no fear when it comes to love, to embrace it and no that it is everything and without it ,nothing else matters.
To take that leap and believe in yourself and love is what true happiness is, that’s what I want for the people in my life….TRUE HAPPINESS…

WHAT IF........

2010-01-21T11:56:00.001-08:00

What if throughout your entire life you felt like you were meant to do something extraordinary…Would you follow your heart?
What if even though unbelievable ,unbearable circumstances continued to present themselves.. Would you still move forward and follow your heart?
What if all of your lessons you have learned throughout from your very first breath.. Were meant to bring you to this moment?
What if each person you have come in contact with led you to where you are.. Would you accept your fate and live it?
What if every challenge you have met was to create this moment in time.. Would you be happy or sad?
What if every person you have loved and lost were placed in your life so you could be who you are right now.. Would you continue on the journey or stand still?
What if you were told you had six months to live.. Would you live life like every moment mattered or would you be afraid?
What if each moment you have was a moment you couldn’t get back.. Would you be happy in it or let it pass by without feeling it?
What if each memory you have the choice to create, you no longer had the choice to create.. Would you feel cheated or relieved?
What if the person you were meant to be with was right in front of you.. Would you embrace it or step back from it?
What if your fears held you back from true happiness.. Would you stare them in the face or let them win?
What if life was meant to be lived with love, courage, compassion and faith..
Would you be able to accept it and just BE?

New Beginnings...are scary but so worth it.....

2010-01-20T16:29:00.000-08:00

Isn't it awesome when you make up your mind to do something and you just do it..I love it when I here that someone I love is taking step's to create the destiny they deserve.It makes me so proud when I here the excitement in someone's voice when they are about to embark on a new challenge or a change that they know in there hearts will give them so much more room to grow and be who they were meant to be......Each change will create new opportunity and give new life to your old one.
Life is good when you have choice's and you make the decision to follow a dream or be in a place that will make you happier..I LOVE HAPPY PEOPLE....Congratulations your life is now yours...

For The Love of a Butterfly......C.O.A.L.B

2010-01-19T18:22:00.001-08:00

“Every one of us has our own mechanisms to protect ourselves, including me. I let people see or think what they want about me because I don’t trust people can handle all of me; Just certain parts. I haven’t met anyone that could yet. Well, maybe one woman in my past, and I married her. She is actually the only women I ever married.
“Carol had it in her head that I was this overly sensitive lesbian looking for love in all the wrong places. She felt like I wore my heart on my sleeve, that’s a strange analogy isn’t it. Actually I wore my heart in my chest but my heart was open to anyone that opened their heart to me. I felt a pull to Nicky’s heart and I thought I could help her open her heart up more. That’s all. Yes we were attracted to each other and yes I wanted to sleep with her. Sex wasn’t all I wanted but maybe that’s all she wanted. I felt something amazing when I was with her and I thought she felt something when she was with me. But I could be off; I mean she could shut herself down with the blink of an eye. One second you could be totally connected the next second she doesn’t even see you. What the fuck is wrong with me and yes I am laughing to myself as I write this because I put up with so much shit and I shouldn’t have. I did learn a lot. I understood that Carol was trying to be the big protective sister from the heart breaking lesbian. I just couldn’t see me as the big bad lesbian anyone needed protecting from. If anything I would be just as protective of her as Carol was being. I am pretty harmless. If anything, what I wanted, and still want, for Nicky is for her to know that you can actually have a loving open relationship and your freedom to be yourself. It may be though, that it’s truly possible to be loved and free at the same time.
“Well here is the second email that sent out…because she wouldn’t talk to me. Carol made sure of that and told me so. I really should have stepped away from all of this, but the heart makes us do crazy things.
March 21, 2009 Email to Nicky...
Hi Miss,
Since you won't talk to me.... I will get my crazy thoughts out here and be done with whatever it was I thought I was doing... So I obviously spent the day with Carol yesterday. You were of course the topic of conversation. She was pretty pissed at me because she doesn't think I should date her sister... which is kind of funny since we have not even spent any time alone, so I don’t think you could call anything that we’ve done so far, even close to dating. And now you won't even talk to me but it’s all good... and Carol and I definitely have a difference of opinion... but after talking to her and hearing the conversations the two of you have been having... I understand why she feels the way she feels...to a degree...
Most of the conversation, as I am sure she will tell you, was her telling me her belief on family and how she feels it is her job to protect you... not really from me specifically, but from the big bad lesbians in general… lol.. Basically what I told her was she hurt me by first shutting me out.... I really fucking hate that.... the silent treatment is so damaging.... lol (hint).... but also because I felt like she didn't trust me to do the right thing. Because she basically just thought I wanted to fuck you.... and that’s not the case....Like I told her.. when I think about you, it makes me feel good. When I talk to or see you it makes me happy. Yes, I am attracted to you and I think you are attracted to me... but now I am not so sure... maybe... but, and this is where is gets sticky, she thinks you are just looking for an experience with a woman. And if that’s the case, there are plenty of women who would be more than happy to help you out with that. Me - I think you are looking for something more. Whether you find it in a man or woman makes no difference. And that’s how I look at things. Yes I am a lesbian but if I met a man that I connected with or whom I was emotionally, sexually and mentally drawn to.....would I ignore it? Probably not....just have never come across it....
Life is too short to ignore the things that make you feel happy or joyful... or make you smile... and I don't take happiness of any kind for granted. I am sorry I have caused so much discontent with you and your sister. I love her with all my heart. All I wanted was a chance for you and me to get to know each other. But I will put all those feeling where they belong.... they will get buried. I don't understand, but I don't want to cause any problems. She asked me if I was infatuated with you. I asked her what her definition of infatuation was. I feel an unbelievable draw to you. I feel connected to you even when I am not with you. It’s actually very strange to me, and I have already told you that.
So my instructions are I can be friends with you ... more or less... I don't know what you are looking for; only you know that. I wasn't looking for anything when whatever it is ... became whatever it will never be... I guess... Sounds a little crazy doesn't it? I just wanted a chance to make you smile the way you make me smile. Even right now although it’s over before it even began, you are an amazing woman and I hope you find someone who will love you and keep you happy and challenged and make you feel alive and loved the way I would have tried. It’s funny how they say when you have the opportunity to love you should always take it, and here I am. It’s ok... everything happens for a reason, and what is going to be will be, I suppose... But your sister is right. I know myself, and God knows I haven't felt so amazing in so long, and I probably would fall head over heels in love with you... and then we would all be in trouble... if, that is, I let myself. But I am not like anyone you will ever meet, because I know that your happiness and what you wanted would be my priority and I would always make sure we were both happy, because we deserve that. We are great women who love and take care of the people in our lives with great care. And we are silly and compassionate and funny and giving. It’s amazing when I put my list together of the person I wanted to spend my time with, who would have thought... And I promise I will not bother you anymore and I will always say hi and treat you with respect when I see you.... and do whatever to make you laugh.... and I will put my feelings or attraction or connection in check....I don't ever want you to be sad, and I don't want you and Carol fighting. And if you want to have an experience with a woman, I am sure we can find you one. I will always be your friend, and I will always have your best interests at heart.... (-: Just smile and know I want nothing but for you to be happy.....and thank you for everything.

Peace...

My Heart Beats for Her.....

2010-01-15T09:24:00.000-08:00

When is it time to let go…What are the signs within yourself that you really need to pay attention to, so you don’t lose yourself once again, in the great game of Love? I don’t know , I thought I did, I thought I was in front of the game. Game is not really what I want to refer love to but it sure feels like one sometimes…
So, if you have been keeping up and reading my entries or if you know me personally, then you know that I am head over heals in love for the first time in forever. I have loved or been in love but not like this, not that ache in your heart when you don’t hear from them or that disappointment in your soul when you feel like they don’t feel the same.
I’m so fucked right now, I mean I consider myself to pretty rational and some what balanced. But I’m so sad and lost I don’t know what direction to take. I know I am in the process of a HUGE life lesson. I mean I am always in the process of some kind of lesson and I am battling this one because this lesson is the one that’s going to lead me to my rightful path and the next part of my journey.
I have a hard time with myself when I feel something and I trust something so completely that in my head it can’t be wrong. When you feel something for someone so strongly that the thought of them not being a part of your day in some way makes it hard for you to breath and your heart feels like its going to explode right in your chest…When you just want to crawl into bed and sleep so that hopefully when you wake up the heart ache will have subsided. We convince ourselves that some how while we were sleeping the heart ache will melt and mold itself into our dreams. So when we wake up we won’t feel the pain or ache.
I haven’t felt that kind of ache in such a long time and I understand that when you love someone from the soul you are going to get hurt. That is part of the growth, the strength, I mean if it didn’t hurt when the person you supposedly love did something to upset you…then you probably don’t really love them.. We learn from pain ,we become stronger from distress and discomfort, it sucks but it’s true..
I guess heart ache is kind of like pregnancy or labor, once you go through it you forget what it feels like even though its probably the most painful thing you think you will ever experience. But of course we would go through the process of being in love again even though we know there’s a chance we may have to go through the pain of the loss.
My problem is quite simple, I am in love with someone who of course is unavailable…How many times have I been here…to many to count.. But the difference this time is I feel like this is where my real journey begins ,with this woman by my side…Together I think we will be unstoppable and capable of doing anything…But if she doesn’t feel the same ,it doesn’t matter how I feel…
I don’t know if I should let her go so she can figure out what she wants or stay and fight for us because I feel like we belong together. Should I stay in the background and trust that what she is telling me is truth. And I am not saying she is lying but if you don’t know how you feel or you are not honest with yourself ,truth can vary. I believe with all my heart that she love’s me ,I also believe that we would have an amazing journey together but if she doesn’t trust and believe in us, why should I.
I know this much for sure, that I would do everything and anything to make sure she had whatever she wanted, needed or desired. I would cut my heart out and give it her if she needed me to. Every part of my being is drawn or pulled in her direction and when we are together I feel complete… Even though I know I don’t have her with me completely because of her situation. But what she gives me is in incredible and it makes me feel like I can do anything. When she is with me.
And up until a few days ago I was right here waiting ,just waiting for her to get her shit together as she would put it and has said to me so many times. Then we had a conversation that changed everything, isn’t it amazing how one word or one sentence can change things so dramatically that you may never feel the same again. Or you may never look at or trust that person in the same light. Not that you love them any differently because you will always love them but just one ounce of doubt can make something so perfect so pure into something completely different.
I’m sure its me and my emotional insanity as well as my experiences with love, hurt and disappointment create these insecurities. I just have a hard time returning to a good place once I have been damaged by someone I love. What I mean by damaged is when I give them my heart and soul, I hand it to them without conditions and I don’t give them any instructions because stupid me, I think they should have built in instructions on how to handle MY heart. Like my heart is any different then anyone else’s .
Of course I expect them to handle me with care…but we all know that with love comes hurt.. None of us were given instructions on love, the only way you learn about love is to experience it, to live it ,to be in it without fear, without limits, without instruction.
I am so out of my element with this woman, I so just want to shut the fuck down and walk away because she can’t give me the commitment I want and maybe she never will be able to. But I can’t , I can’t walk away because she now has half my heart. The half of my heart that I have never let anyone see or touch because I was afraid, that if I let anyone near that half and they damaged it I would never recover.
Never be the same and I was right, I will never be the same, how could I. I let her in and she touched me in places in my heart and soul that no one has ever touched. And its amazing how wonderful it feels, I have never felt anything so light and joyful in all of existence on this planet in this time.
Her smile and her laugh give me joy even when she’s not with me. But yet I am still torn because she is torn. I am torn more because I don’t know what the best plan of action is, do I let her go and hope we are really meant to be. Or do I stay and hope she can get it together in a descent amount of time so I don’t become resentful or regretful.
I have become somewhat obsessed with time, I feel like time in meant to be lived in the moment…That the most joyful part of who you are should always be in the moment, when we are not we are cheating everyone we come in contact with. I believe that every person you meet is someone who you are meant to give something to even if it’s a smile.
I have never wanted to be or felt so connected to another human being next to my daughter…. My soul has been intertwined with this amazing women who still hasn’t made up her mind or still has doubts about what we are meant to be to each other.
Thank god I love writing because it always gives me clarity when I am finished, like now ,when I started this entry I was finished with this chapter of love, I was ready to be done and to move into the next moment. Not because I don’t love her, want her or need her like the air I breath but because I want to give her the time and space to do what she needs to do.
Now that I have worked through my insanity I don’t think that’s such a good idea although I would love to hear your take on it….Should I wait or should I move on and hope we will find each other down the road……the only problem with that is I don’t do backwards well, once I move forward I don’t usually go backwards …The only thing I know for sure is I LOVE HER AND I WANT HER TO BE HAPPY…WITH OR WITH OUT ME…

She deserves that and so much more….

FOR THE LOVE OF A WOMAN

2010-01-13T21:08:00.001-08:00

Throughout time man has done many things for the Love of a Woman
And I'm sure they had many reasons for the Love of a Woman
As for me I know I have wanted and created all the right scenario's for the Love of Woman.
I have devoted and obsessed without regret for the Love of a Woman
I have developed and Contemplated the ways in which I could capture the Love of a Woman
I have been rejected and felt neglected for the Love of a Woman
I have felt loneliness to the brink of heartache for the Love of a Woman
At times I could not bare another heartbeat in my chest for the Love of a Woman
But all in all,throughout the pain, joy, laughter and sorrow,I would not give up one moment of the journey I have gone through for the Love of a Woman
Uncontrollable yearning and desire beyond recognition is what I have felt for the Love of a Woman
As my soul reaches out for one moment of unconditional Love and total joy
I remember how great it is to receive the Love of a Woman
If it takes till the end of time ,I will continue to search for the Love of a Woman
May you experience,love,growth and joy with all the challenges that come with the LOVE OF A WOMAN

Life's Amazing Surprise's... Part 2

2010-01-12T08:31:00.000-08:00

Each of them described two or three women they had looked at through these store windows as if they were purchasing a new coat or piece of jewelry they would where for a few hours. It was so interesting how different each of them embraced their physical vision of what they were seeing through the window. He described there physical body parts and the tone and muscle structure as if the women were empty shells that were at his disposal just for physical pleasure. Like a new toy that needed to be broken in but not in a hurtful way. She described them as if they were a piece of art that needed to be appreciated because of there beauty. You could hear the admiration and compassion she felt as she looked upon them through the store windows.

I am probably more open then most to trying new things sexually and experiencing any all forms of pleasure with my partner. But do I want to share that part of us that truly connects our being’s in every form , physically, mentally ,soulfully, that moment when we are making pure untouched , unconditional love with out fear. When nothing else matters but the moment and what we are experiencing with each other. Do I want to share that with someone I don’t even know? Does it damage the intimacy forever? Are you giving away something that as a couple you can’t get back. Is it worth a few moments of instant gratification? Is it worth taking the chance that you will always wonder whether or not that moment of pleasure from someone else haunts your partner?

I was amazed at there trust for each other to be able to sexually explore one another’s desire to be intimate with another human being in each other’s presence. But is that what they were doing? Were they being intimate or was it just sex in it’s most robotic form. Each of them spoke of the experience with a different tone of understanding and compassion as well as excitement.

As I listened to each of them I wondered what it was like to be in that position ,to love someone ,to make a commitment to respect and share each other in every form. To take vows to honor one another with respect, love, devotion through sickness and in health till death do you part and invite a stranger to be a part of that intimacy.

I had been married ,not legally in the laws eyes but absolutely and completely in my eyes and heart. And it was wonderful for a time but it was only a road to the path I am on now. A lesson in recovering from a shattered heart. A lesson I hold very close to my soul because it was one of the most painful lessons I have ever been through.Will you feel inadequate or see something different when you are making love to your partner and they are at there pleasure point? Will you wonder if they are with you or some where your not allowed to be anymore? Does it create, jealousy and insecurity because of the intimacy factor?
I’m not sure but I don’t think I would want to take that chance and I definitely know that I wouldn’t want to share something that was meant for me and the woman I love with someone else. Especially someone I wasn’t connected to. Maybe if I loved that person and trusted them and me and my partner both felt safe enough to invite them into that sacred place we shared together.

I wondered who decided that this would be good for there relationship ,was it her or him? Did he mention it in passing and she go along with it just to please him or was it a fantasy of hers to be with a woman? Which I could absolutely see her with a woman or maybe it wasn’t about her being with a women. Maybe it was about her wanting to feel something ,anything other then the disconnect that there seemed to be with her husband. They were really good with each other ,well actually ,she was really good with him. Especially when he got obnoxious, her demeaner never really changed ,it was like she was on autopilot. It reminded me of my baby sister when the kids were all talking to her at once and she didn’t hear a thing and didn’t break a sweat. It was like she had disappeared some where in her head and was unreachable ,until you shook her back to consciousness.

She didn’t speak unless she truly had something to say, he overtalked her and although you knew he loved her ,there was something major missing between them. You could tell she was really good at observing and evaluating a situation. I watched and listened as they interacted with each other but I didn’t feel any kind of sexual interaction at all. It was as if they were brother and sister or mother and son. Since this was my first encounter with them and I really new nothing about either of them, My

My reaction to each of them seemed kind of over the top. I kept thinking ,what is it that keeps them together, it seemed as if there was something missing. A gap between each of them, a conversation gap ,an emotional gap, a spiritual gap, I wasn’t quite sure, I definitely needed to be around them more to put my finger on it.

As the night went on and they continued to drink ,which at the time I didn’t realize ,she wasn’t really a drinker, he was definitely a drinker but she wasn’t. The problem with me is I usually continue to have drinks ready for my customer’s as long as they want and sometimes I do it automatically when there drink is low. That night I was doing just that,when her drink I was automatically putting another one in front of her and because it was in front of her she drank it. But like I said she really isn’t a drinker and the more she drank the more she talked and the more intrigued I became.

Imagine this, I have seen and experienced many forms of indecency and dysfunction through my upbringing. I have been exposed to sexual deviates, alcohol and drug abuse, domestic ,emotional and physical abuse and basic insanity. Teen pregnancy and abortion, childbirth and parenting. Survived the murder of someone I loved and the untimely death of another woman I loved. Fell down ,got back up and got kicked down more times then I can count. But through all of it I still believe that Love is the most precious ,amazing thing there is on the planet.

My heart still skips a beat with gratitude when I meet and experience a moment of unconditional love from or for another human being. My heart without question is always searching and waiting and aware of every soul I meet even in passing. Because I believe that I am on the path to meet my counter part ,my soul mate if you want to call it that. All though I feel we have many soul mates ,many people through out our lives are brought or summoned by us some how so that we can learn and grow for a moment in time together.

I have learned so many important things from so many amazing people through out this life time. Each lesson has brought me closer to what I believe to be my “bliss”. I am sure your wondering what I mean by my “Bliss”. I will try to explain it as simply as possible. that moment that leads to a lifetime of moments when you know with every part of you that you are exactly where you belong doing what you were meant to do with whoever you were meant to do it with. PURE Joy and Happiness without insecurity ,jealousy, resentment, anger or possessiveness. Love at its most primal state without fear or pettiness and unconditional understanding of all that you come in contact with.

I have searching and waiting for the opportunity to embrace my Bliss for a very long time. My life had become a series of well needed lessons but some how I still felt that the most important lesson and purpose of this lifetime had not yet arrived. That is until she walked into my life. Now, at the time of our first meeting I new there was something different about my amazing new friend but I hadn’t quite put it together in my head or allowed to enter it to enter into my heart.

Our first encounter was a significant step to where we are today, by the end of the night the two of them were pretty toasted. For some insane reason I didn’t know they were driving ,I actually thought they were from out of town. Maybe it was because Gretchen had mentioned that they had been living in Arizona. Either way ,once I realized they were driving I was horrified. I knew that neither of them were in any shape to get behind the wheel. I tried to talk them into taking a cab but her husband was persistent about being ok to drive. I was so afraid that something would happen to my new friends and I needed to know that they got home safe. So I gave her my phone number and asked her to call me or text me when they got home so I would know they were ok.

While they were sitting at the bar in between the many conversation about so many different subjects, some light some heavy, I had received a lot of information on each of them but still was not clear on how they ended up together. Before they left I went to give each of them a hug goodbye. Bill first and then Gretchen but as I went to give Gretchen a hug she put her open lips on mine and parted them with her tongue ever so gently that I couldn’t resist returning the kiss. She was so gentle yet passionate and I felt this surge of awakening that sent out an almost instant flow of stimulating energy through me. We kissed for a matter of seconds before I realized where I was. Which was at work in the middle of the restaurant and now I’m a little flustered because it was definitely not what I expected. Once we stopped kissing and I stepped back from her she started to apologize. Which definitely wasn’t needed. I thoroughly enjoyed the kiss and definitely wanted more. She was a great kisser, her lips were so familiar or maybe it wasn’t her lips ,maybe it was her energy. At that moment I wanted her but in my head I knew I couldn’t and shouldn’t because she was married, it seems like so long ago.

After we were done kissing ,she excused herself and went to the bathroom, her husband who of course had been watching us kiss, looked at me and made a comment about getting a hotel room. This was definitely not happening, By the time he made the comment Gretchen was already on her way back from the ladies room. Thank god, because I was not up to dealing with any kind of pressure from her husband about the three of us sleeping together or him watching or whatever kind of scenario he may have created in his head. I wanted her but I definitely wasn’t interested in a threesome. He made a couple more comments and I explained that I had to work and I wouldn’t be done for a while besides the fact that I wasn’t interested in a threesome.

I was definitely intrigued with her and wanted to know more, to feel more, to embrace more of her energy, it was so inviting and refreshing. There was something so pure and wonderful about her being and I knew she would be a part of the next chapter in my life in some way. At the time I just didn’t imagine or comprehend how much of an impact that first kiss would be on my soul. The problem was I was so overwhelmed with the fact that she was married that I automatically put myself in a mental safety zone. I guess you could compare it to a protective auto pilot. We had talked about hanging out the next night and maybe getting a drink somewhere ,the three of us, so when they left ,she told me she would give me a call the next day, I thought if she does great if she doesn’t ,that’s ok to.

They walked out the door and wasn’t really sure if I would see them ever again but something inside me kept saying ,she will be back or at least I hope she will anyway. The next day late in the afternoon I did get a text telling me she was so sick she couldn’t function. I felt so bad for her ,I told her I hoped she felt better and we would get together another time. I felt horrible because I didn’t know she didn’t drink and I fed her way to much liquor. So now that I knew she wasn’t a drinker I would make sure she was ok the next time she came to visit.

About two weeks after that, they came in again, when she walked in with Bill, who obnoxiously sat down and told me he wanted one of my specialty drinks, which I basically created especially for him. So as I made his drink and hers ,she sat down at the bar and asked how I was ,I couldn’t help but take myself back to that kiss and how it made me feel. Her smile automatically made me smile and the sound of her voice was so comforting and enticing. She actually made me a little bit nervous and I don’t get nervous.

I kind of fumbled around and tried to be cool but ended up breaking a glass in the process. Bill could see I was a little jittery but I’m sure he had know idea why. Wow, I don’t remember the last time I was nervous around a woman, any woman at that. Here I was trying to pull my shit together so she wouldn’t notice. We started talking about whatever was going on with me, she asked a lot of questions and was really attentive to what I was saying. I loved to listened to her speak ,she was really smart and intuitive and knew what she was talking about but also great at listening ,extremely compassionate and understanding about everything and anything.

All I kept thinking about while I listened to her talk ,I couldn’t help but wish Bill wasn’t there so I could really get to know her better. As other customer’s came in and I attended to them ,I could feel the energy between us and all I wanted to do was be at that end of the bar so I could be as close to her as possible. But I had know idea why, the craziest thing was how much I just wanted to touch her. I nonchalantly would reach over the bar to and touch her hand which I just wanted to feel in mine. I wasn’t sure why I was so drawn to her but something kept me right there.

Every so often Bill would make some comment about how he knew I wanted his wife, which I thought was kind of funny. I absolutely did want her but I wasn’t sure how or why. She was definitely beautiful, breathtaking actually. And I felt a strange but familiar connection when I looked in her eye’s ,it was as if I could see inside her and she could see through me. Now this doesn’t happen with me I don’t just let anyone see the real me, I have learned to become a master at keeping my self protected from whoever. I had become accustomed to having total control over my emotions and my feelings. And no matter who or what came along ,when needed I could always shut down and shut out whatever or whoever seemed to be getting to close.

Throughout the night I try to spend as much time talking to both of them as possible, as Bill continued to drink he became more and more outspoken or forward. At one point, Gretchen got up and went to the bathroom ,I could tell she was getting a little toasted.,by the way she walked to the bathroom. The reason I know she was getting buzzed was because I couldn’t help but watch, she was hot and god she had nice ass and legs to die for. Bill caught me watching her and smiling as she walked away,” I give you permission, he said with a smile. “ Permission for what?” I asked him confused with a smirk. “I give you permission to sleep with my wife.” he replied with confidence. “Mmnn, don’t you think maybe Gretchen should give me permission? ”I couldn’t help but be sarcastic at this point.

“She thinks your hot and she wants to sleep with you.” “Really, I said. I could feel the butterflies in my stomach gathering. By this time she was on her way back to the bar. “ So your husband just gave me permission to sleep with you.” I said to her with a half smile. “ He did ,did he“, she said without looking at me. “I told him he shouldn’t be giving you away especially to me ,you may not want to go back to him once you have been with me.” I said with confidence and a little sarcasm.

By now I am so not thinking about sleeping with her because it become like a game and I’m not really good at game’s. I feel something much bigger going on between us and I know I want to be next to her and I am definitely attracted to her but I don’t want to just have sex with her. There is definitely something else going on and to just fuck her just because he wanted us to or even if that’s all she wanted . That’s not what I wanted. The night went on and he went on about how we should sleep together and he wouldn’t be involved but I could tell that wasn’t what he wanted.

So the night ended, they went home and I continued doing what I do best. Socializing and making myself available to whoever needs me. But she was always there in the back o my mind and that kiss kept creeping up every so often. Every couple of weeks they would come in and have dinner and a few drinks. Bill seemed to be steadily drinking more and more every time they came in. And I noticed that they were interacting differently. Gretchen seemed to be a little uneasy with Bills behavior once he reached a certain point with his drinking.

So I would try to slow him down a bit ,it was bizarre but I could feel her uneasiness and I wanted to prevent it ,to protect her from it. I didn’t even know this women and I wanted to protect her from her husbands bad behavior. Once he drank to much he would make rude comments about the waitress, sexual comments that didn’t need to be said in front of his wife. It was amazing to me that he could be so disrespectful to her ,it was fucking irritating. All I wanted to do was take her home and show her how should be treated.

I kept thinking if I had a wife as amazing as her I would never treat her like that. I have been waiting a lifetime to meet someone as wonderful as she was. I didn’t think he deserved her and I still don’t, I think she deserves so much more then whatever he may be giving her. In my head all I keep thinking is ,if he treats her like this in public ,then whats it like at home.

Oh well there was nothing I could do about it ,they were married and she loved him. It was frustrating to know that I would kill to have someone as wonderful as her in my life ,by my side. If I met the person I was meant to embrace the rest of my life with, that would probably be the beginning of my journey to my “Bliss” and hopefully theirs.

In late September Bill and Gretchen came in with a friend from out of town.She was actually someone that Gretchen had gone to elementary school with. When they walked in, my gaydar was up and running. They sat in there usual spot at the end corner of the bar and Gretchen introduced her friend to me. ”Kim this is Lisa.” I’m sorry but she absolutely looked like a lesbian or gave me the total lesbian vibe ,hard core dyke, actually. And she wasn’t in a very good mood, she definitely was defensive towards me,I new I was going to have to work my charm double time to get a smile out of her.

So I gave them all a drink and handed them some menus. It felt so good to see Gretchen, she just automatically brought a smile to my face. Her aura and her energy was so invigorating. I just wanted to be as close as possible. After a few minutes Bill and Lisa went out for a cigarette and Gretchen quickly gave me the 411 on Lisa.She had just lost her mom and was having a real hard time. At least that explained a little bit about her attitude. Even though I she was obviously gong through a hard time because of the death of her mom, there was something else going on.

She definitely had a chip on her shoulder but I new by the end of the night I would et her to loosen up. Gretchen did her usual check in with me, asking me what was up and how things were with the girls. I gave her a quick update and told her with excitement how I had finally finished my book I was writing.

She was so cute ,“So when do I get to read it?” It so happened that I had the manuscript with me and I was ecstatic that she wanted to read it. So right after she asked me I handed her the manuscript, ”Here you go.” “So ,are you sure you trust me with this?” she ask me with the most sincere smile. “Of course ,” I replied with a smirk, if you really want to read it. “ Can you hold it till we are ready to leave? “ Sure, I said as I put it behind the bar. After I set the manuscript down I looked up at Gretchen and she had this smile with a little bit of a sparkle in those big beautiful blue eye’s of hers. “I can’t believe you finished it.” That’s so cool.” she said as she kind shook her head.

I should have ask her why she was shaking her head but she like I said before ,she made me a little nervous. Whenever she came in or I spoke to her ,I could help but smile and I always had butterflies but literally did my best to ignore them. I mean after all she is married and the way she made me feel was like nothing I had ever felt with a woman. As the night went on other people came into the bar and sat down ,actually two other couples. One couple came in to eat and the kitchen was closed so I gave them my dinner which I ordered and put away so I could eat later when I had time.

After a while ,some how everyone ended up at the same end of the bar, talking and joking and having a good time. I could tell Bill was getting drunk because he was getting a little bit loud and boisterous. But he was still ok, Gretchen and Lisa seemed to be having there own conversation, I could see that Lisa was into Gretchen a little bit by the way she kept giving me the evil eye every time I said anything to her. I was a little uncomfortable with the stares but I didn’t care ,I still tried to be a s close as possible to Gretchen as I could.

After a while Gretchen made a couple of comments about Lisa’s attitude and her rude behavior. She was kind of apologizing for her which was sweet but unnecessary. I got to tell you ,I was just relieved that she hadn’t brought her in to try to hook her up with me. That’s exactly what I thought was going on when they all first came in. Thank goodness that wasn‘t the case, me and Gretchen had talked so many times about my dating issues and she did tell me she was going to find my next girlfriend for me. I’m just glad she didn’t put Lisa on that list.

Don’t misunderstand me, Lisa seemed like a good person, well once you broke through that tough girl exterior. I’m sure she is a big pussycat and she was cute, not my type in any form. Definitely loyal and seemed like she would be a good friend to have in your corner if things got a little rough. I am definitely looking for a lover not a fighter and was definitely a fighter. Throughout the night bill and Lisa kept stepping outside to smoke and that was when I basically had Gretchen to myself for a few seconds. God ,she was beautiful and I loved listening to her. She always had something good to say about whatever she was talking about, always looking on the upside and I love that. I don’t meet to many people that think like that.

After a few more drinks Gretchen told me she had a book she picked up for me that she wanted me to read. She said it would change my life, her and Bill both said it would change the way I looked at things. “I would loved to read it.” I said. “Good ,me and Lisa are going to walk to the truck and get it” and off they went. Me and Bill talked about basic shit, and he and the other two couples started interacting. He bought everyone a shot and they all continued to make drunken conversation.

This is the night that I realized I had feelings for Gretchen, when her and Lisa got back, she handed me the book ,the title,” Many Lives, Many Masters” it was a book about
past life regression , which made me even more intrigued with her. Initially I felt like we already new each other but I hadn’t really thought about a past life, to be truthful. I just felt like she was already part of my being and that made no sense. What was really bizarre was the fact that she was always in the back of my mind. But this night we had a woman from LA. Who was coming on to everyone. I mean she was all over Bill and he wasn’t exactly pushing her away. Basically he was encouraging the attention which was disrespectful and hurtful as far as I was concerned. Lets not even talk about Lisa ,she was ready to bust a beer bottle over his head.

I tried to keep an eye on Gretchen and I kept asking if she was ok. ”I’m fine ,I don’t care, it doesn’t bother me.” she swore to me. “Ok, I didn’t know what to do ,It wasn’t my call. I tried to slow his drinking down by not putting as much Liquor in his drinks ,more juice and I put water in front of him. He would just get pissed at me because he was a big boy and he didn’t want anyone telling him what to do. Even though Gretchen said she was ok I knew she wasn’t. She had a look in her eyes I hadn’t seen before. A lost hurt look that made my heart hurt. I could feel her anxiety building but she was so calm. After a few minutes Bill and LA and Lisa went out to smoke, while they were out smoking Gretchen pulled me towards her and kissed me. After she kissed me I stood back at that moment something inside me changed. It was like a switch went off inside me. Everything seemed to get a little crazy after a few more minutes. Everyone was dancing and singing and making out with each other. LA ended up outside with Lisa and they made out ,then she came inside and was hitting on me. She tried to corner me and kiss me ,I wanted nothing to do with her.

THE BEST FIRST DATE I EVER HAD..WHO SAID BREAKING DOWN COULDN'T BE FUN....

2010-01-10T19:54:00.003-08:00

THE BEST FIRST DATE I EVER HAD…WHO SAID BREAKING DOWN COULDN’T BE FUN….

I felt like a love sick teenager going on her first date with their first love.. How about that, I mean I have been on more then my share of dates with some pretty amazing women but none of them ever made me feel the way this women makes me feel. She gives me butterflies the minute she walks in my door and I hear her voice.
It’s kind of insane because we have been seeing each other for a little over three months which isn’t a long time at all but I feel like I have known her forever. Like she was put on this planet at this time just for me and I for her. We met over the summer and as I have said in other stories I have written I felt totally connected to her and I did try to fight it. I just couldn’t and at this point I couldn’t live without her, now that’s a pretty intense line, ”I couldn’t live without her,” mmmnn, I mean I could but it would suck.
Especially since I know in the deepest part of my soul that we belong together, have you ever felt that strongly about someone that just the thought of not speaking or seeing them makes your sick and your heart palpitate. My heart just ache’s whenever I even feel like something isn’t right with her. I could be doing nothing in retrospect to her, working, bullshitting with friends, just watching television ,just being me and I can feel when something isn’t right. It’s kind of bizarre..
Well anyway we have been seeing each other for a few months and we have tried a few times to plan a night on the town. It just doesn’t ever work out, mainly because we can’t make it out of the bedroom. The sex is amazing ,she’s amazing, I have never met a woman I literally couldn’t keep my hands off of and everything she does turns me on.
She is definitely beautiful, without a doubt but it’s much more then that. I love the sound of her voice ,her laugh, her smile, her sense of humor is so honest and real, we laugh about nothing and its awesome. When she touches me or kisses me she makes me so hot I just want to tear her clothes of and kiss every inch of her body. I could kiss her for hours she drives me out of my mind and absolutely out of my pants…
With that said every time we have planned a night out we have ended up naked, wet and sweaty for hours. Marathon sex is out of this world and we could definitely break some kind of a record if we tried. Ok, Ok I have to focus and get to my story.
So I was determined to get out in public and do something we haven’t done together. Go some where we have never been and introduce her to some of my friends. My friends already think she is an imaginary girl I made up just for kicks.
So she showed up at my house at around 4pm ,I made us lunch or you could say an early dinner. Which is kind of a treat since we never get to eat dinner together. We have had breakfast together a few times but dinner just doesn’t seem to work into our time together.
She usually had to leave by 4pm so she could get home and take car of her other responsibility’s so this was kind of a treat, I guess. So I made us dinner, about 10 minutes before she got to my house I had taken a shower and gotten dressed. I was determined to get us out of the house and some where in public together.
I had gotten an invite from my ex girlfriend Sasha who had also become my sounding board when it came to my new found love. Sasha asked if she could meet her so she could more or less size her up but also because she new I really loved her and wanted to see if she really loved me. Or if I was just setting myself up to get hurt again. I think she also thought she could give Brandy some women to women advice about embracing her power as a women.
Sasha was a total hippy, feminist at heart which I thought was great, even though like most of us she had a hard time taking her own advice. Once my amore got to my house as soon as I heard he voice I was already wet. Total insanity, she walked in, as usual looking so fucking sexy that I just had to stop and catch my breath. She had on tight black jeans and let me tell you I am not exaggerating even a little bit when I say she has the most perfect ass. Legs from hip to floor that made me just want to stick my face in between them and get lost there. She was a dancer for a long time and still had the legs and the body to prove it. Shoulder length blond hair and the most hypnotic beautiful big blue eyes which changed to hazel and almond depending on her mood.
You could definitely ,well I could any way, tell when she was really happy when I looked into her eyes. It was as if I see the dancer in her soul bursting out through her eyes. The passion that she brings out in me is nothing like I have ever experienced before. So to sum up what I thought about her physically is she’s HOT…
She brought me flowers which was the sweetest thing because she always brought me flowers and I love her for that. I think I have gotten more bouquets of flowers from her then I have my entire adult life from all the women I have ever been with. Now that’s pretty crazy. She also brought a couple of six packs of beer.
I grabbed the beer and set it down so that I could kiss her and say hello. I love kissing her ,she’s a really good kisser. We started to make out and I just wanted to rip her clothes off but I tried to restrain from that. She took her coat of and we sat down and had some dinner.
I threw together some chicken recipe that I made up as I went ,chicken and mushrooms in a white wine sauce over pasta. I must say it was pretty good. We ate and had a couple of beers and I had picked up a shirt for her that I forget to give her over Christmas so I gave that to her. Which she tried on and it looked great but the best part was how she thanked me for dinner and the shirt
She got up from her chair and kind of straddled herself on my lap facing me. I was still chewing a bite form dinner so she started kissing my neck and my ears slowly and whispered that she loved me in this low voice, that made me so excited I just wanted to throw her on the kitchen table and rip her jeans off and put my fingers inside her as I put my mouth on her clit and sucked on it until she came in my mouth.
As she worked her way from my neck to my mouth and we started making out, her hands some how ended up between my legs. Rubbing me ever so lightly that the heat and the moisture of my wet pussy was radiating from my pants. I ran my fingers under her shirt around her back and kept pulling her closer but unless we were totally naked and bare skin was touching it wasn’t close enough.
While we were kissing her hand moved from my crotch to my belt and I could feel my belt coming undone. I had already undone hers and was trying to pull it off so I could get in her pants. As we were fiddling with each others belts, she stopped kissing me and looked at me and said,” Do you want to go into the bedroom?” now I am so hot like I said I just want to take her right there but my daughter isn’t home and that’s the last thing we need is to be caught fucking in the kitchen by the 18 year old.
“YES,PLEASE! I said ,as she got off my lap and we headed to the bedroom. Once we got inside the room ,clothes always started to fly off and things just got better from there. Better for me anyway, I couldn’t get her pants off quick enough so I could feel her. Let me see if I can physically describe what I feel when I get my fingers into a position to separate her lips just enough so that her hot juices are dripping on to my fingers. That moment when I can feel her pleasure ,her desire, her want, it’s pure ecstasy! My heart , my mind, my soul , my pussy are all connected and feeling the exact same thing that she is feeling….
I can feel her desire to reach a certain level of untouched pleasure…This incredible lingering want to reach a certain height of pleasure, a place that only she can get to ,a place that only she can relate to. That place of pure freedom ,where she can let everything go, every worry, every fear, every desire, every insanity… As I put my fingers inside her, at that moment, when I can feel the warmth of her juices dripping down the inside of my hand and over my knuckles. Her moans of desire and pleasure make me so wet I can feel myself reaching my own pleasure point where I am about to cum..
In my head even though I could cum right there ,right then and she doesn’t even have to touch me because she already has me right where I belong connected to her soul. My heart is pounding and my mouth is watering because ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS TASTING HER! As I slide my fingers in and out of her slowly and feel her insides contracting as if they are ready to explode, I work my way down to her mound and kiss all around it.
Her inner thigh which just brings her to a different place of pleasure because of the anticipation of me finally putting my mouth where it belongs...
I can’t wait any more, I need to taste her, I NEED to feel the smooth softness of her clit in my mouth, between my teeth where I feel like I have the ability to give her what she deserves. Where I take her where I know she should always be in an emotional state of freedom. Where the only time I know there is nothing else but the moment between us because she has to be there for her pleasure point to be reached.
As I listen to her scream with pleasure and tell me how good it feels. I become so connected to her that I can feel every tingle every movement of her body makes me more excited. I can feel her body let everything go as she is Cumming, I know this is where she belongs, that this is her moment of reality with herself and I am a part of it. As she cums in my mouth and her juices drip down my arm and onto my chin. I pull my fingers out slowly so I can feel every ounce of relief at the same time I have already cum numerous times myself.
Which is pretty funny because she is still so knew to the female factor, the act of making love to a woman or being with a woman. That she can’t tell or maybe she can whether or not I have cum. The minute she touches me or kisses me or puts her fingers inside of me, she takes me to a place that is so incredible I love the way she makes me feel in every aspect. Once we were finished ,we got dressed and went back out to the living room to have a cigarette.
Ok ,we definitely need to get it together so we can get out of this apartment. Since she usually drives ,we decided I would drive, I debated with myself whether or not to take her car or mine. Number one hers is much nicer and number two, it doesn’t matter we took mine and I love my car but the universe just seems to want me to stand still. You will understand what I mean once I finish my story.
So we headed to Sasha’s to have a drink. I am sure Brandy was a little nervous about meeting her but I new everything would be fine. We got there I introduced them we had a beer, they smoked some pot, had a polite conversation about Brandy’s marriage and what was going on with that.
Let me see, now , actually the conversation was a little more detailed then I probably needed to hear that night. But at the same time definitely information that makes me think way to much or not enough. Sasha asked what was happening with the husband and Brandy explained that she had told him she didn’t want to be married and wanted him to move out yet they were going to get counseling to dissolve the marriage without any ugliness. Which I think can be pretty smart or is it false hope.
During there conversation Brandy explained about a piece of property that her husband and a friend had bought and that they were going to build a house, I’m assuming he was out surveying the land that day and night. I never asked how she was able to get away with spending the night at my house without a fight. But as in all things, the truth shows itself in time.
I didn’t ask because I didn’t want to hear the lie, the lie she had to tell about where she was and who she was with. The lie that absolutely denied everything she said to me when we were together. The lie that gave her to me for a moment but ripped everything that was pure about us apart…The lie that created the illusion at home with her husband that things may still work out in his favor…that even though she has said she wants out ,she still acts like she doesn’t know for sure what she wants.
As I drank my beer and listened to Sasha drill Brandy in a sweet and respectful manner…I heard the question come out of Sasha’s mouth ,the question I have never asked “ So when is he moving out?“ “Well he was online looking for an apartment the other night after we discussed everything but now that they have the land and they are going to build this house ,I think it would be counter productive for him to move out and pay for something else while he is building this house.“
I heard her but I didn’t ,if that makes any sense, I didn’t want to hear her, I didn’t want to think about him ,she is with him every day. She sleeps with him, wakes up with him, eats with him, takes care of him, gives him everything he needs and that’s her choice. Now I sound like a jealous asshole, don’t I, I really try not to waste my energy on situations that are out of my hands. Her choices are not mine and out of my control but sometimes I can’t help it.
Once she said she wanted him to stay until the house was finished I set up a file to go back to at a later time. I could feel the insecurity and insanity brewing, why would she want him to stay? What does that mean? Is she going to still continue to sleep with him and how long should I let myself be the Lie…Should I set up a time line for myself so that I don’t get caught up In her illusion.
What am I doing, am I setting myself up to get destroyed when she finally faces the truth ,that she can’t leave him. If she truly felt the way she tells me would I be the distraction or the center. I don’t feel like the center when we are not together. I feel like the center when we are together but not when we are apart.
The funny thing is I love my time to myself, I have no problem being alone and I can create my own joys within my own space and time.. If she needed to do things I knew she wanted to do for herself so she could become more centered with herself. I wouldn’t question anything that had to do with us. I want her to be happy an healthy and I want her to feel loved and safe but is she doing what she needs to get there. Am I going to become another chore or strain on her list of things to take care of.
Am I being selfish and impatient because I want her to take a step every day that’s bringing her closer to her real purpose and her real joy. Or am I the distraction that’s keeping her in the same place so she isn’t doing what needs to be done to get out of the predicament she is in…Fuck I hate thinking and writing ,it creates clarity I don’t want to see.
Fuck it….we will get back to this…while we were at Sasha’s my friend Karen kept calling because she wanted us to meet her on route 1 at some bar that had pool tables. Which is exactly what I wanted to do with Brandy ,play some pool introduce her to some people and go dancing, simple enough right. So I told Sasha we needed to go. “Right now, “ she asks. In my head I didn’t want to hear any more, I didn’t want to think about the reality, I just wanted to be with Brandy even if it was only for the night or a moment.
So we left, once we got In the car I asked her if she was ok. “Yes, I’m fine”. “Good, lets get some gas and go meet Karen.“ I have become a master at filing things that bother me. And that’s exactly what I did. I filed it. As much as I wanted the night to be about us, I wanted it to be more about her.. Getting her to just be in the moment and enjoy it. So we got gas and headed for the pool tables. Once we got on Route 1 we ended up all the way at the end and had to get off to get on the other side.
So we were going around the rotary and getting ready to get on the exit we needed when everything in the car lit up on the dash board and it stopped running. “Shit, the car just died”, I said as I pulled off to the side of the road just before the exit. I tried to restart the car but it wasn’t happening.
I stayed as calm as I possibly could I started to laugh to myself and then looked over at her.God ,she is beautiful,I felt so bad,all I wanted was to get her out of the house so she could have some fun...
"So, I guess we better call Triple AAA," I said with a smile.Ok we need to call Triple AAA and get some help and that’s exactly what we did. I called it in and they told me it could take up to 60 minutes which is a long fucking time with no heat especially when its about 7 degrees out. I knew it wouldn’t be that long, well I hoped anyway..
“Its going to be at 45 minutes are you ok, are you cold?” I asked. “Nope, I’m good but I really have to pee.” she says with this unbelievable smile that absolutely makes me forget everything and anything that could possibly be wrong with the world. “Do you have a water bottle? She asks me and I just start laughing because just the thought of her pissing in a water bottle is insane.
“I’m …yeah I think so, somewhere in this car is a water bottle.” while I am talking she is actively looking for the water bottle and finds one. Then she ask if I have a knife, “ I don’t know I say as I am searching for something to cut the bottle in half. We finally found a screwdriver, which she tried to jab into the bottle to cut it half…
“Give me that before you hurt yourself,” I said as I took the bottle and screwdriver and cut in half. “Here you go, I said as I handed it to her and she climbed in the back seat to unload her bladder. I couldn’t stop laughing at the thought of her actually being able to get pee in that bottle without making a mess…”Ssshh, I can’t concentrate,” I am totally laughing to myself as I write this. Oh my god, I think I am going to overflow, wait I need to empty this, she said as she opened the back door to empty the bottle and finish.
I just kept laughing and thinking to myself, this the perfect woman for me.. Where has she been all my life, after she finished ,she crawled back up front and looked at me with this big smile and definite relief. “ You feel better", I said with a smile from ear to ear. “Yes, much better, it definitely won’t be boring, she said as I leaned over to kiss her. “You right, I have never had a woman complain about being bored when we were together.” I said as we started to make out and laughed at the same time.
It was getting pretty cold we had been waiting for at least 40 minutes at this point. Once we started making out it got really hot ,really fast.. I was so wet from kissing her and all I wanted was to feel how wet she was. Which she had no problem making sure I could feel her. I unbuckled her belt and undid her pants so I could slide my hand into her jeans.
GOD, she was so fucking wet, I played with her clit until I found her spot, her pleasure spot which definitely had become my pleasure spot. After a couple of seconds she pulled her pants down so I could have better access.
As we kissed and I used my index finger to activate that spot that drove her pleasure to the point where she needed to be to cum. I went back and forth and slid my fingers inside her so I could feel exactly where she was, so I could connect to her and be in a that place with her that makes me feel like we are one. The car windows were getting all fogged up from the heat between us and we were definitely not cold.
“Oh my god, I’m cumming,” she kept saying over and over ,these words have become my favorite words out of her mouth after, I love you.. Because I want nothing but for her to feel any and all pleasure and joy in ways she has never felt or imagined possible. Her ecstasy is mine. Her happiness is my happiness and as long as I feel exactly that when It comes to her I know its real.. For me anyway, within literally seconds of her cumming the blue lights came up in my mirror…” Shit ,ok, get dressed quick,” I said as the police headed towards my window. We both were laughing at this point as she rushed to get her pants up… Alrighty then,just as he flashed his light on me through my driver side window. She was where she needed to be…”I opened my door so could speak to the officer,” Hi officer, alternator went ,waiting on Triple AAA to come..” “Ok I am going to see if I can get someone out here quicker.” he said with a smile.

WOW, I get it, this is why I love to be with her in this amazing place not just because it feels really fucking good physically but because she is actually with me in that moment..
She can’t be anywhere else because if she was she wouldn’t be able to cum, huh, that’s enlightening….I’m so, I don’t know what I should feel now… another lesson, another reality learned from writing and expressing my truth without censorship.

I love to make love to her because that’s the only time I can be almost certain she is totally with me the way I am totally with her…That she isn’t thinking About whether the dog’s ate or have been taking out or her husband ate or what he is doing or thinking. What she needs to accomplish the next day or an hour from the time we are together. AT THAT MOMENT IN TIME SHE IS REALLY IN THE SAME MOMENT WITH ME…..
Now the question is, how do I feel about that….Is the fact that she is completely with me heart and soul with out limitations only when we are together physically is that enough….Am I fooling myself by thinking she feels for me the way I feel for her or is she just not ready to be in the same karmic space yet.
Is this why, when we are not together and she is home with her husband I can’t shake this uneasiness. That even though I know she loves me and I know she wants to be with me. She can’t and won’t be able to because the fog and fear that she has created within her heart and mind is so thick with everyone’s shit that even though her heart want’s to be with me her mind and the social conditioning she has come to intertwine herself with won’t allow it.
Am I so blinded by my love and desire for her that I am not seeing the truth and is her truth really truth. Or has she created it so that she can keep her sanity. Am I a sweet distraction or am I real? If I am real… What reality am I? Am I wrong for feeling like she isn’t being honest with herself or me because even though she tells me she only wants me, she is still sleeping with him. Am I being petty or insecure because even though they are not having sex, the fact that she crawls into the same bed with him and shares an intimacy I desire but don’t have the option to have..am I wrong for feeling insecure or cheated?
It’s amazing how the mind and the heart can confuse the moment. How we can allow others to keep us from true joy but it’s our own doing. I am in my true moment of reality of pure love and my truth when she is with me. But is it real or am I just hoping it is. Have I once again created the illusion that love is the ultimate purpose in our lives , maybe my truth is wrong and her truth is the way things are meant to be done..Sacrificing your happiness and joy for others..Creating scenarios that could possibly cause you to lose the one true chance at true happiness..
Her truth being , she would rather create or try to create a safety net to some how protect the people in her life from the fact that she has found a place that brings her happiness,a place that she can be herself and no matter what she will be loved the same, a place with someone who sees her and loves her unconditionally. Why is it her job to protect them..When they haven’t done anything to protect her for a long time. Is it worth giving up precious moments that you will not get back ,not with each other anyway. When is it time to say I have had enough and I want to be happy. Am I a hypocrite because I tell any one and everyone I meet to appreciate and embrace every loving moment and memory they can get. Yet I wait alone hoping that she will show up at my door unannounced to tell me that we are more important then everything else, our joy and happiness is what she wants to embrace. She is not afraid and now is now and she wants Now with me…True Love is Worth waiting for even if it's a challenge...Especially if you have been waiting a Life Time...So I wait and know she will be here soon....

Life's Amazing Surprise's...

2010-01-08T10:24:00.001-08:00

Do you believe in reincarnation? Can your soul mate seek you out through space and time and find there way back into your heart and soul? My answer to both of these questions is absolutely, without a doubt. If you are open to the realities of energy , destiny, unconditional love and karma, anything is possible. I know because I found my true love from many past lifetimes and its amazing.

This year has been a year with many lessons and many opportunities to experience so many different levels of love. The love of family and friends as well as romantic love without conditions but for different purposes. Sounds confusing but it isn’t at all once the love in your heart and soul connect and create the clarity we are meant to feel when we love anything.

Love is so simple yet we make it unbelievably complicated. As human beings we tend to let all of the social insanities that we were instilled with from the time we were born until we actually let go and realize that all of the information we were given is a LIE! Lie’s created to instill fear and insecurities ,lies to keep us in line with the illusion that has been created by man so that they can feel powerful and in charge.

The lie that romantic love should only be shared between a man and a women and that if anything other then that transpires ,it is dirty and sinful and an abomination to man kind. Wow, I am so amazed at the ignorance and the fear that is lived and practiced on a minute by minute basis. I have loved so ,many different people for so man different reasons. It took many painful lessons to get me where I am with myself today. Lessons in patience, understanding, selfishness, listening, compassion, true raw honesty, desire, passion, sexuality and of course unconditional love.

My life no longer revolves around other people’s opinion or thoughts on who I am or what I should be. It revolves around how much love and kindness I can give to anyone I come in contact with. True love and understanding of the human condition with out judgment. I am free from the will of the average person, of what is expected of me from the government, religion and society. I am totally and unpredictably full of this wonderful energy that pours out of me whenever I think of anyone I love. Its almost as if I am not really here, like I am more of spirit then human form. It is nothing like I have ever experienced in my life and because I am so open and free ,my path and journey are now exactly as they should be.

This is a story of true enlightenment and the actual ability to create the life and opportunities as you so desire them. Create them through thought and energy ,invite the things into your life you were want and were meant to have. The first step to doing this is letting all of the baggage that has been put into your head and heart and discarding it.
Releasing it even if for a minute. A minute that will change your life, forever.

I had been working at Durgin Park Restaurant for over eight months ,when this couple walked in and sat at my bar. I introduced myself and ask if they wanted a drink and or a menu. “We will take both“, the young woman says with a smile. I say young because she had this naïve feel about her .She was incredibly beautiful but simple, shoulder length blond hair, big blue eyes with a hint of hazel and specs of almond brown in the center. These long eye lashes and perfectly shaped lips that were so inviting, I just wanted to kiss them.

Her smile is what really got my attention though because you knew it was genuine. There was nothing fake about her smile or her persona. She had this amazing truthful, loving energy that poured out with every syllable she spoke. I was intrigued ,I wanted to know more about her, I wanted to know what it was about her that made me feel this urge to touch her. Not really in a sexual way but in any way. As we talked I felt this attraction, this pull ,this want.

So as the night went on and she started to get a buzz, I could feel her relaxing and opening herself up to me.. At the time I had know idea that she wasn’t really a drinker. So I kept putting drinks in front of her every time I made her husband one. I found myself reaching over the bar and getting her attention by touching her hands or her arm. Anything I could just to feel a part of her. It was a strange approach for me but I couldn’t help myself ,for some reason I thought if I felt her skin it would give me an idea of what it was about her that compelled me to just want to know everything about her.

Her husband on the other hand was a character in and out of the box, he had distinguishing grey hair, beautiful blue eyes and was extremely handsome. His personality was very different from his wife. He was loud and obnoxious but not mean or disrespectful. She was quiet and reserved but extremely playful and honest. He was obnoxious in a funny way, I mean I absolutely took to him because of his personality .He reminded me of most of my family. But now that I know him better I understand why I was drawn to him, it was because under that rough, tough bullshit, was this little boy who had been through hell. Through his raspy voice which I’m sure he developed from over indulging in things over the years that were definitely not good for him. I could feel his pain his disappointment in the human connection. There was something familiar about his pain ,I understood it and he didn’t even have to tell me what it was.

We had a connection and to tell you the truth I didn’t realize it till this moment why we had a connection. I felt something between us , an understanding, that only another sexually abused soul can relate to. His wife on the other hand I couldn’t quite put my finger’s on it but there was something very different about our connection. When I looked in her eye’s I saw something so familiar, so inviting but I am a rational being, married woman are definitely off limits.

At this point I was still not free, my perception of reality an society’s rule’s of engagement still were apart of my being. I still lived half and half, what I mean is half of my beliefs were created by my upbringing and the other just by KNOWING. My intuition, my feelings, my understanding of people. I had developed the ability to feel whatever anyone I came in contact with was feeling, especially if we talked for more then five minutes. It was so exhausting at times but usually it helped me to learn about myself and why I did or reacted to things the way I did.

Throughout the night I listened to stories about the couples adventures and sexual freedom’s they had experienced with each other. Her husband explained how they had traveled to Amsterdam and she gave him permission to pick out a women for them to experiment with. Apparently prostitution is legal there. As I listened to him I could hear and feel the excitement he felt during the process of deciding which female they would pay for to take home with them. His energy was very distinct he acted as if he were a little boy deciding what ice cream flavor he wanted for desert.

2010-01-07T22:14:00.000-08:00

Thursday January 7th

A HURRICANE HITS DURGIN…

How sweet is when a group of beautiful women and or people come walking in the bar. Sweet for me anyway, so it had been a long boring day. I had been at work since 11am and only had maybe two customers.
I had been in pain all day with a pulled muscle in my neck and the only thing that seemed to keep me going was the fact that my incredibly sexy ,I can’t technically call her my girlfriend because she asked me not to. Anyway she came by to and brought me some tiger bomb and asprin for my neck. And even though I was in so much pain I literally wanted to pop a couple of sleeping pills until it went away.
Once I crawled into her SUV and looked into her eyes the pain almost melted away. Just being in the same space with her gave me this incredible feeling inside that no matter what everything would be ok. Her presence in my heart and soul has given me more strength and insight into who I am and where I belong. Then anyone has ever in my life. She makes me a better person just because she loves me.
I stayed with her for as long as I could before I had to get back to work ,seeing her just made me so light inside, even though I was hurting physically the thought of those beautiful greenish with a tint of blue eyes and that amazing smile that could take your breath away…made me just a little crazy, it helped distract me from the neck pain. Maybe I should bottle some of her love and amazing energy up and carry it in doses whenever I feel shitty.
I was so glad she had come by even though I really didn’t want her to go out of her way. She’s always running for someone and I don’t want to be part of her insanity unless its in the bedroom. Then maybe, I want to be a part of her joy and laughter as well as her friend and anything else she wants me to be. So seeing her definitely gave me the strength to finish out the day…
Which I was really glad I hadn’t gone home because towards the end of the night I had my friend from out of town who stops for a glass of wine and a salad ,which was a real treat..
I meet the most amazing souls at Durgin Park, I love my job… I mean really where else can you go to work ,laugh, joke and make money while meeting and getting to know incredible characters. Tonight was pretty cool because some of the staff from upstairs came in and had a drink. We talked about the blog and what was happening with them. While I was talking to them a group of really cute women came walking in with Jen ,one of the prettiest girls I know. I actually had a crush on her for a bit when we first met.Even ask her on a date and pretended I wanted her to come with me to make someone else jealous.Which she so blatantly pointed out that I had no interest in her, little does she know, my date with her was just a ploy to get her drunk so I might get to kiss her.
That was almost two years ago but know doubt she is straighter then straight, although I think any women who has been given the full treatment from a lesbian who knows what she’s doing may reconsider whether or not they are straight or whatever. Just saying I have seen it happen and it does happen. Either way she came in with some girls she works with at a bar called the Hurricane I think that's the name.
Let me tell you this crew of bartenders, servers and whatever else they may have been were hot. They all had something going on and three of them were lesbians and I love that. Family is always welcome at my bar especially cute young lesbians. It keeps me on my toes and the young girls definitely make me feel my age. But also they remind me that there are a new generation of strong, beautiful, confident intelligent women out there, ready to take on the world and make it there’s….Its awesome.. Thank you girls for reminding me what young and carefree means..

New Beginnings...

2010-01-06T16:22:00.001-08:00

January 5th 2010

NEW BEGINNING’S

So, it is a new year and new beginning’s are usually accompanied by a new year. I have had quite a year ,I have learned many amazing things about myself and my heart.. But the most important lesson I have learned ,the one lesson that I will carry with me forever….Is that love always finds a way ,even when its impossible and unpredictable, it makes its way to where it was meant to be even if the odds are totally against it…
The reason I know this is because last year is the year I had basically given up on love.. True love anyway and then I met a girl, a pretty, funny sweet but straight girl( if there is such a thing) had a fling or thing but definitely found myself because of this unpredictable girl.
I wrote a book about the girl and the many crazy reasons why we didn’t work out.
The reason I wrote the book was because I didn’t get the girl but because of what happened with her I found my true love and was ready for my life to really begin. I never new what it felt like to truly love with all of my heart and soul,until Brandy.She made me see myself and realize who I am, what I want and what I don’t want.
Another thing she woke up inside me was that sexual and passionate side of me that only seemed to come out when there was alcohol involved.
Do you believe in coincidence, faith or hope? They are all so different but similar or do you believe in Destiny. I think I believe that we all have a destiny and we have all the answers in our hearts and usually don’t listen to them. Maybe we don’t listen because we have been programmed to ignore our hearts and follow society's idea of whats good for us.
Do we do everything in the right time for the right reasons? Is the universe pointing us and showing us our true place and purpose? I think so…
Let me tell you why… So I fell for a girl who didn’t fall for me and because of the situation and the circumstances, I met the right girl, my dream girl, my spiritual partner in every aspect..
This is a quick version of true destiny,A girl walks in to the bar,now that's funny coming from a bartender (I know it sounds like a cliché..)with her husband, now that’s the crazy part. Right away I know there was something about her that seemed familiar. They stay ,we talk ,they leave and come back a week later. When she walks in the second time, I can’t do anything but smile because she has this smile that reaches down into your heart and touches it..that’s the only way I can describe it.
So her and her husband start to come by every week and they have dinner a couple of drinks. I catch her up on my drama with the girl that got away. Or whatever girls I am talking to at the time. I tell her where I am at with my book and what I am looking for.
The whole time thinking ,God I wish she wasn’t married, I know, I know, its horrible. I couldn’t help it though, I wanted to be with her ,to know her, to laugh with her, talk to her, kiss her ,touch her ,to love her but I kept telling myself she’s married…
Then finally ,oh that’s right I almost forgot, we did kiss, one night. She was a little bit intoxicated and I take total responsibility for that, only because I didn’t know she was a light weight. A beautiful light weight but still a light weight. I went to hug her and she kissed me, let me tell you , I wouldn’t give that kiss back even if she wanted it. She is a really good kisser..from that moment that she kissed me ,I was whipped..How does that happen? Now what?
To be continued…….

The Jersey Crew.....Amazing friends with loving hearts...

2010-01-04T23:40:00.000-08:00

January 1,2010

Do you have any idea what the best part about my job is?It's the people I meet.I have come across some incredible souls during my work day and or night. I am always so amazed at how different and loving and courageous people I meet are. And who would have thought that bartending would be such a full filling occupation. Of course it's really great when you are in a position to make quick and easy cash and have a great time doing it.
My job is fun I really have a great time doing it...Especially when I meet characters or groups of souls who have connected themselves to each other for the greater good of each other.This particular night I thought was going to be just a quiet uneventful evening at Durgin. Not because it's like that all the time but because it was New Years Day and of course I figured everyone would be recovering from New Years Eve.The night was pretty quiet up until about 8:45pm, when a group of friends came in and sat at our center table for eight. My Mexican Princess who I love working with,her name is Ana, she waited on them at first. Got them there drinks and a couple of appetizers.
After they had a couple of drinks,two of the women came up to the bar and they wanted me to make a shot for everyone to do. Now that is one of my favorite things to do create a drink just for a particular moment or a particular customer.Its pretty cool, " Kim can you make us something sweet and strong?" the young women asks with a sweet yet unsure tone in he voice. "Of course I can ,how many shots do you need?" I said with a smile." Four,no,five wait just give me seven." So I lined up seven shot glasses and grabbed my shaker threw some ice in it and looked around to see what concoction I could come up with. A little bit of Malibu ,some blueberry Snapps,sprite and a dash of pineapple ,a quick shake and a long steady pour running smoothly across all seven shot glasses until there was nothing left to pour.
"Ok,there you go,your all set," I said as I motioned to the girls to bring there shots to there table and get there toast done...After they were done both women came up and asked "What was that ,it was really good?"
I looked at both of them and asked " Where are you from and what are your names?" I usually ask this before I make a drink for anyone,especially if I know they are going to be there for a while.Both girls looked at me and in sequence said."We are from Jersey," they had this proud smile that they both flashed at me and then looked at each other,it was adorable, "Ok, then we will call that particular shot, a Jersey Girl Shot" I said with a smile.
Everyone at the table thought that was great as they made some noise and went on with there conversations and catching up with each other.They obviously cared about each other and definitely had a good time with each other. But there was one young man who kept looking over at the bar and smiling .He had the most gentle look,his eyes were so gentle, you could sense automatically that he was a very caring and compassionate man, you could see his soul through his eye's. I meet people all the time and I talk all day long to different men, boys, whatever but this young man was like no one I had met in a long time.
There was something amazing about his journey ,even though I had not heard or talked to him yet about the path he had been on till he walked into Durgin. Throughout the night they had asked if they could play a drinking game called Flip cup.I had never heard of it before but it seemed harmless enough.Besides I didn't think they were going to get out of hand,and they did have a designated responsible non drinker with them.He was the very soul I felt almost like I new him,his name was Ryan and he promised me he would make sure everything was ok. I believed him it was hard not to.
So they moved over to a high top got a pitcher her of beer and started playing there game.They had the whole bar to themselves because there was no one else in the bar.Before they started to play I went over and ask everyone there name just so I could make there s at Durgin more personal.I find that if I introduced myself to my customers and I I get there names ,it usually makes our meeting and there experience at the bar more memorable.
So they all introduced themselves to me, Ryan of course who was the designated responsible person, Randy(Yetti) who was about 6'3 ,maybe 280lbs ,red hair, blue eyes and a killer smile..he was a big boy with the sweetest teddy bear personality.He was the type of guy you wanted to just hug and laugh with because it was easy..the reason they had all actually gotten together was so that Yetti could take this food eating challenge,5lb burger,5lbs of fries,the thought of eating that much food makes my stomach hurt.
Then there was Harrison ( Pirate) I didn't talk to him much ,he was kind of quiet, Alison and Emily were the Jersey Girls who came up to get the first set of shots. Kristin(Balls)was a producer for a a T.V. station and Kaitlyn who is now Boston local who brought them in and Laura and Eric. They were all extremely sweet and polite and you could tell they loved and cared about each other.I felt privileged to have had the opportunity to watch them interact with each other and be a part of the amazing energy they produced while they were together.I love being around loving energy it rubs off on you even if you don't want it to.

CHRONICLES OF A LESBIAN BARTENDER....next chapter

2009-12-30T06:24:00.000-08:00

CHAPTER 5THE KISS THAT CHANGED EVERYTHINGCHAPTER #5
The Kiss that Changed Everything……

“What do you mean? You met someone while you were seeing Carol and Patsy?”
“I told you, I met Carol’s sister.” I started to laugh out loud. “You definitely need to drink some water.” “Yes, I met Carol’s sister. This is where the story gets a little complicated. Sometime in February, Patsy was bartending one Sunday afternoon at the lesbian bar we hung at called “The Secret”. So of course I went down to hang out and have a couple of beers. When I got there, she already had a group of friends and family there which was really cool. Her mom, mom’s neighbor’s and Carol’s sister Nicky.
“I had met Nicky a few months prior at Carol’s house and we chatted for a bit and had a beer together. At the time I remember thinking there is something about this woman. I mean, she was definitely attractive and funny but she was also a hard read. I am usually really good at reading people, but she was tough. What I do know, is she was definitely sad and pissed about her daughter. I know this only because we compared notes about our kids.
“We both had daughters the same age and actually the same name. I could feel that she was guarded almost like she was hiding something. My gaydar was going off a little bit but that definitely could have been wishful thinking. The first time I met her was months before anything had happened between me and the girls. So anyway she was also there at The Secret.
“Carol introduced us again and I made my rounds saying hello to everyone before I went to the juke box to play some music. As long as the juke box was playing, I was happy. My favorite thing about being there was the juke box. Sometime during the afternoon I asked Nicky if she wanted to play some pool. At the time I wasn’t sure if she knew how to play or she was just pretending to have no clue. A fluke, a good eye, or a bit of a hustler, she could definitely shoot, so we played a game or two and hung out with the girls for a while.
“Carol was drinking hard stuff, rum and coke, so she was getting pretty lit. Me, I was pacing myself and bullshitting with a group of women that I had never met before. Sometime around 11:30, Patsy came to me and said she needed to get Carol home because she was all done but that Carol’s sister wasn’t ready to go. Patsy was worried about her staying without them and getting home safely.
“I looked over at Nicky and saw that she was joking with a couple of women and having a good time.”
“Patsy, I will make sure she gets home ok.” I said. “Are you sure?” she said. “Yes I got it, take Carol home, I will take care of Nicky.”
“So for about another hour I continued to talk to some girls while Nicky did her thing. Then without warning she came up to me and said, “I’m leaving, I can get home on my own.”
“No, no, that’s not the point. I promised Patsy I would make sure you get home safe, so I will follow. Besides, I’m ready to go.” So we headed out the door, and on the way to her car she informed me that she needed smokes.

“I told her, “Ok we can stop on the way to your house.”
“So off we went. I drove behind her to make sure she wasn’t all over the road, and stayed close so no cops could pull up behind her. We stopped at a gas station about two miles from her house. I parked right in front, and she, for some crazy reason parked across the parking lot. Instead of waiting for her I just picked the smokes up for her. I’m good like that. I was on my way to her car when she finally emerged from it.
“When I passed the smokes to her, she said looked at me and said, “I am really drunk, I didn’t realize how drunk till I started driving.” At this point I was thinking, I am so glad that I didn’t let her leave by herself. She thanked me for the smokes, asked me if I want any money, which of course I didn’t. And then we were back on the road to get her home.
“Finally we arrived at her house. I had no clue where we were but I have a GPS so it’s all good. “Thanks for following me,” she says with a smile. “Anytime”, I said. “So do you want to come in for a drink” She asked me. “First mistake… or was it?
Brook and Steve both chimed in with different comments. “You are in trouble now.” and “Any time a woman asks you to come in for a drink that late at night, you know something is up.” As they finished they both looked at each other and started laughing.
“Well maybe if you are looking for something then you might think that, but I wasn’t. Are you guys trying to say I was being naïve?” I responded.
“Ok, smartasses, let me finish and then you can give me your shit.” I grinned at them.
“So as I was saying, I looked at her and said “Sure, I could use a glass of water.” And I follow her in. We had to go through a screened in porch to get into her house and it was a little cluttered. So, of course she commented on what a mess it was. Personally I couldn’t have cared less. My house isn’t any better. Women can be so self conscious.
“When we got inside she gave me a tour of her home while she explained with great pride how she had just finished giving her house a face lift. She redid a lot of things on her own and did a pretty good job. She had repainted each room a different color, each color softer than the next. But her proudest accomplishment was the kitchen floor. She had pulled up two layers of stick down tiles and the glue was a pain in the ass to remove, so it took her a while to get it all up. The way she explained it made it sound like a tedious and complicated process. Either way she finished it and it looked great. We went through the kitchen to the dining room and we eventually ended up in her living room which was really cool space. The room was surrounded by huge windows in a complete L shape. It was a really big room with a kind of echo when you spoke. The window dressing was just draped across the window but didn’t cover it, which I thought was pretty bold but it worked for the room.
“We were standing in the center of this huge room. With my back to Nicky, I told her she should let me do a painting for her.”
“You’re an artist too?’ Brook asked. “What other talents do you have?” She asked with a flirtatious tone. “A few”, I said with a smile and continued talking.
“While I was talking, at some point I turned around to look at Nikki. And she kissed me.
“Oh shit, what did you do?” Brook said to me.
“Well it totally threw me off”, I said, “because I did not see it coming. What I should have done was put a stop to it. Instead I kissed her back” I said with a big smile. She was a really good kisser. I’m a sucker for a woman who can kiss.
“We basically started making out for what seemed like a long time but probably wasn’t. You can do a lot of heavy petting and kissing in a short period of time. So after kissing for a few more seconds I remembered who I kissing. I stopped myself and looked at Nicky. “What are we doing?” I asked her in a soft voice.
“You’re a really good kisser...” “Thanks so are you,” I replied. With every detail I felt Brook’s eyes probing mine, feeling everything I felt, as I spoke of this woman who had stolen a kiss and captured my heart all in the same breath.
“You’re also my best friend’s sister ; actually her straight sister and you’re a little drunk… In fact, because you’re drunk, I almost feel like I’m taking advantage of you.”
“I’m a grown woman Kim and I know what I am doing.” She replied.
“The reality is, she kissed me and I wasn’t expecting or looking to kiss her because I have rules. The rules are straight women are off limits; I don’t even pretend or imagine kissing straight women that I come in contact with. I kind of feel like I’m being disrespectful to straight women even think about it. But my thinking process can be kind of fucked sometimes. Besides the fact that in my head I kept thinking I definitely shouldn’t be kissing this woman. I mean, I am sleeping with her sister.
“Of course, she didn’t know I was sleeping with her sister. Isn’t it funny how we have so many conversations in our head? Well I do anyway. Crazy fucking thoughts were going through my head but did I stop? Of course not. I was having way too much fun, besides the fact that by then I was getting all worked up.
“At some point during all this, I looked at Nicky, which up until that point, I really hadn’t done. Once I stopped and really looked at her, I should have realized how much trouble I was in. She had the most incredible blue eyes, with a slight tint of green and brown in the center. Her lips were small and thin, perfect for her face, she has great smile, really white teeth but one of her bottom two teeth is a little crooked and that just gave her smile more character.
“The expression on her face was so innocent but the way she made me feel was incredible! I felt like it was MY first kiss! Remember what your first kiss was like? I mean it’s scary but exciting at the same time, both of you trying to accommodate each other’s mouth, by the way each of you use your tongue.
“You don’t want to use too much or be too aggressive unless the other person gives you an indication that they want you to be aggressive. Kissing is like an art form, kind of like dancing, you need to know when to take the lead and when to follow.

“As far as she and I were concerned, I think we had that art form down with each other. We definitely complimented each other when it came to kissing.
“Nikki is a little shorter than I am and looking from an angle where our eyes absolutely connected, what I saw in her eyes was this passionate gentle soul screaming to be released.”
“Nicky, what are we doing? “ I pulled back and asked.
“I’m sorry Kim, I have always wanted to kiss a girl and I have been watching you all night. You are really pretty”, she said to me.
“Now I didn’t even know how to react. First of all, no one had ever told me I was pretty; that was definitely a first. All I could do was start kissing her again. I couldn’t help myself. While we were kissing there was this peaceful silence that crept in between the kisses, that was so calming. I felt like I knew her from somewhere. Her presence with me seemed so familiar. I had never felt that with anyone before. I had definitely had connections with other women I have been with. But this connection was different from all the others.
“She had her hands all over the place like she didn’t know what to touch first. My hands, of course, knew exactly where they wanted to be. I was kissing her neck and pulling her into my body so I could feel her against me. It was almost like a perfect fit. I have to say this, everyone has their thing. You know certain body parts that just the feel of them make you want more. I guess with heterosexual women it’s probably a hard cock or the size of his cock but for me it’s a women’s ass and legs. I don’t mean to be so graphic but I don’t know how else I could describe it.
“I can be just like a man at times; I mean my mind has one track when I get excited. And I was extremely exited! So like I was saying, I really get turned on by the shape and the feel of a woman’s body and when we are making out it makes me so fucking hot. While we kissed I pulled her toward me with my left arm and I used my other hand to explore her body over her clothes. She felt so good; she obviously takes care of herself, flat stomach and pretty toned everywhere else. Let me give a quick description of her so you can picture what she looks like to me.
“When I say ‘to me’, what I mean is we all see people and things differently. She is probably about 5’4”, maybe, very petite, with the most beautiful long blonde hair. Her hair is straight and flows down to her ass. I mean fucking long. Blue eyes. Her skin is soft but rough at the same time, you can see that she likes the sun and obviously gets in it when she can. She has a small, I mean tiny, scar just above the curve of her upper lip. She carries herself in an almost light and bouncy kind of state, most of the time. The rest of the time has a really sexy kind of sway when she walks. I mean, people tell me I walk like a dude with soul. My walk is pretty unique so I have been told. Her walk is definitely a woman who knows how to use her body language to get what she wants. Whether she knows that or not I’m not sure but I think she does.
“I almost felt like I was inside of her head as she began to explore my breasts with her hands. We had stopped kissing and I watched her as she ran her hands over my chest , her expression made me feel like I was watching a kid in a toy store trying to figure out whether they liked the feel of the toy or not. It was kind of funny but wicked sexy. I couldn’t imagine at 44 years old, having an attraction for women that I’d never explored.
“We continued to touch and kiss which was amazing but I was getting so turned on. I mean I was throbbing at this point and all I could think about was ripping her clothes off and feeling her body next to mine, right there on the living room floor. I wanted to feel how wet she was, and I did.
“I can be pretty aggressive but I think in Nikki, I had definitely met my match. She is by far one of the most sexually aggressive women I have met in a long time. Believe me when I say I loved the fact that she was aggressive. So while we were kissing I basically slid my hands down her pants and when my fingers finally reached her where I wanted them to, oh my god, I almost had an orgasm . She was so wet. I wanted to be inside her so bad but before I could even get situated she pulled my hands out of her pants and held onto my arm so I couldn’t return to where I’d been. In my head I was thinking ok, so you want to be in control, I’m all yours just point me in the direction of the bedroom please!
“By this time, I was trying to slowly steer her towards the stairs so we could get to the bedroom. She had mentioned her daughter might come home and I was a little nervous she might walk in on us. That’s all I needed was to traumatize Carol’s niece on top of molesting the sister I’d promised I would take care of. What the hell is wrong me, I’m so fucked!”
Brook and Steve started to laugh once again, “You’re not fucked, you’re just human. What happened next?”
They were both sobered up a little bit by then so I made them another round of drinks. “When I tell you, you’re going to laugh, it was actually pretty funny. All I really wanted was to feel her body next to mine. As we were working our way to the stairs I felt the two of us go a little off balance. And before I knew it I could feel her falling and me with her.
“We both went down as I tried to get my arm around and behind her head so she would land on me and not the floor. But I didn’t quite make it. We hit the floor hard but her head hit the floor harder. I kept thinking, you fucking idiot, all you were supposed to do was get this woman home safely and now she probably is going to have a concussion because you let your pussy rule your world.”
“Are you ok?” I said as the two of us lay on floor.

“I looked over and she was laughing so hard she couldn’t breathe which just made me start laughing with her until we were both gasping for air. So there we were lying on the floor laughing at, and with, each other because we were so consumed in a moment of passion that we didn’t give a shit about falling. It was awesome! I will never forget that night. That night was the beginning of the transformation I am in now. That night changed my life. Crazy isn’t it how some moments can leave a mark on your soul that forces you to evolve into who you were meant to be. And what you were meant to do.
“I pulled myself up off the floor and then pulled her up. She looked at me and said without any hesitation, “You’ve got to go, I have to go to bed”.
“Ok, I thought, strange, direct but strange. So she walked me to the door and we made out for a few more seconds and I left. But before I left, she asked me not to say anything to Carol.“
“That’s it, so you didn’t sleep with her? Steve interrupted me.
“No, I did want to but I was glad we didn’t although if we had it probably would have ended there. Especially if all she was looking for was a way to experiment, but we will never know now, will we?” I replied with a heavy sigh.
“What about Carol, did you tell her?’ “I am getting to that. Patience.” I said with smile.
CHAPTER 6
SISTERLY LOVE AND FAMILY TRUTH
“Ok, decisions, decisions. So basically Nicky didn’t want me to say anything. I really didn’t want to say anything either. I didn’t want to screw her up with her sister and I didn’t want Carol to be upset with me. So for three days I kept it to myself, not wanting to make any waves. At the same time Nicky and I had been talking on the phone a little bit about what happened between us. I wanted to make sure she was ok, not freaked out about everything. So we talked about it she wasn’t and I was happy about that.
“We also talked about her marriage and some of her relationships with men. I thought it was really cool that she opened up to me because I wanted to get to know who she was from all aspects. The only way you can really understand a person’s character is from their past experiences. I mean everything we are is because of something we were challenged or touched by in our past. That’s my belief anyway.
“True, I believe that too,” Brook nodded slowly with searching look in her eyes like she was trying to read me. I love when women try to read me.
“Throughout our conversations Nicky explained to me that she had been with her husband for ten years. That he wasn’t a very nice guy or he was but when he drank he could be an ass. She had gotten married really young, pregnant with her son, and thought it was what she should do like most good Catholic girls. They had two children together; a boy and a girl. Her son, now twentythree, was in college studying video. He is actually pretty brilliant. I think he is going to be one wealthy young man some day. Her daughter was about to graduate from high school, typical teenage girl, you know how girls can be with their moms. It‘s a love hate relationship. You know how some young girls go through that stage where they hate their moms? Nikki’s daughter was absolutely there. From what she said, her husband was a good provider but not a good partner. It was extremely sad to know that this man had damaged her heart by instilling so much fear in her. From what she told me, he had basically kept her emotionally captive in her own house and in my opinion she had to find a way to survive. What else could she do but start building walls to protect herself from the emotionally damaging abuse that he inflicted on her on a daily basis?
“When I say emotionally damaging, I mean by not allowing her to grow as a person, to seek out her dreams and desires with the support and encouragement she deserved. If you are not allowed to be who you are supposed to be; to grow and in the process discover your true path, what happens to you?
“If it was me I would have done exactly what she did: Withdraw into my own fantasy world. She did everything in her power to hold the family that she loved so much, together. She took care of her children, protecting and nourishing them with all the tools they needed to become decent human beings. But what she didn’t realize, now this is just my opinion, was that the part of her that she had tucked away where the wall began around her heart so she could survive all of the mental and emotional abuse and neglect on a daily basis, was the part of her that helped her grow, that gave her courage to face her fears with faith and love. She had closed off that part of her heart that she needed most if she was ever going to find herself. She had blocked off that part of her soul that screamed out to be passionate and excited about everyday life. That part that needed to feel something real to experience true joy through true growth that comes from within.
“If we are not allowed to experience true inner growth, how can we experience true joy? How can you know what being in love really is? I couldn’t imagine every day or almost every day… hopefully it wasn’t every day… getting out of bed and taking care of the house and the kids and a husband but not giving myself what I needed. I guess I am a lot more selfish than she is.
“Just thinking about what happened to her makes me sad. I wished I had been around for her. I was also confused as to why no one helped her. But she wouldn’t be who she is if she didn’t go through all of that, if she didn’t experience the challenges she did. Who would she be today? Today she is a really compassionate nurse and really loves working with deaf. Is that because she was so stifled that she genuinely understands what it feels like to have no voice? She didn’t have one for such a long time but does she have a voice now? Maybe, maybe not, what I have a hard time wrapping my head around is how she hid her unhappiness from her family. I mean Carol is so protective but yet so critical of her behavior. Where was she when her baby sister needed her most? Why didn’t anyone notice how dysfunctional her relationship was with this man? Why didn’t anyone help her get out sooner? How is it possible that you can’t feel or see that someone you love is in pain? I know that Carol and Nicky didn’t speak for a while but they both have different versions.
“Carol somewhat acted like it was all her sister’s fault that she hadn’t been around, but of course Nicky’s version is much kinder. Nicky basically says that they were both busy with their lives. In the same breath I heard about the husband that didn’t allow her to have friends or see her family or have a life outside of that household. So which was it?
“I suppose if they were both busy with their lives I can grasp that. But if she was forced to be busy because of an abusive relationship and no one noticed, I don’t get it, you can’t be that self absorbed that you can’t see someone you love is in pain. When I listened to Nicky talk about her experiences there was something missing from the conversation - the emotion that comes with it. She had become so good at hiding her emotions and keeping them to herself that even now ten years later, she still had the walls up. They were so thick that you would need a fucking sledge hammer to get through. I don’t know if anyone will ever be able to get through them. Not until she starts breaking them down within herself. Well it doesn’t matter anyway. Only she knows what she needs.
“Well, either way I needed to meet up with Carol and explain that basically more or less I kissed her sister. Definitely wasn’t giving too many details. Finally, after three days of contemplating, I decided to ask Carol to meet me for a beer. We met at this Chinese restaurant near my house. I had been trying to figure out how I wanted to tell Carol about what had happened without her getting upset. And I had been kind of stand-offish with Carol and Patsy because I didn’t really know how I felt about it. I liked Nicky and the more I talked to her me more I wanted to get to know her.”
CHAPTER #7
Is This My Life or Someone Else’s…Who’s in Charge?
“Carol and I met at a local Chinese restaurant near my house. When we got inside we each ordered a drink. I actually ordered an Amaretto on the rocks. Usually I am a beer drinker. So Carol and I were sitting there making small talk and finally she asked “What’s up, what’s going on with you?” I was nervous and worried about how she was going to react. Besides even though I liked kissing her sister, I felt like an ass for making out with her. I looked at her and I said “I kissed your sister.”
” Was she pissed!”, Brook broke in and asked
“Actually no she wasn’t.” I said and continued.
“There it was out in the open; she looked at me and started laughing. “Are you fucking kidding me? I thought you were going to tell me you were sick or pregnant or leaving.” she said. “Not for nothing Kim, if my sister didn’t make a pass at you, I would have thought there was something wrong with her.” Now, this was a strange statement for me.”
“Well that is a strange thing to say”, Steve commented as Brook bobbed her head in agreement. “I’m confused, why would she think her sister would make a pass at you?”
“I know”, I replied. “I asked the same thing.”
“What? Why would you expect her to make a pass at me? She’s straight?”
“You’re an attractive women and I have always thought she might be gay or bisexual but wasn’t sure. So do you think she is?” she said
“I don’t know, maybe, or maybe she just wants to experiment. Carol please don’t say anything to her, she didn’t want me to say anything to you and I’m sure when she is ready she will tell you on her own.” I pleaded.
“Ok, ok, I won’t say anything.” she told me.
“Thanks, I don’t want her to be upset with me over this. I don’t want anyone to be upset.”
“I thought the conversation ended on a good note and I was happy with the way Carol responded.
“So this is good, she wasn’t mad and you were honest. What happened with the sister?” Brook was like a little girl waiting for the ending when this was just the beginning.
“What happened was, I put myself out there when I shouldn’t have. So, Nicky and I were kind of talking over the next three days. We had silly conversation that made us laugh. She is pretty funny but I think I am funnier. After the second day Carol sent me a text saying that her sister basically told her and they talked about whether she was gay or not. I thought that was cool, I was glad she had opened up to her sister.
“Then I didn’t hear from Carol till the next day, which was the third day after our conversation. It was about 11pm and I got a phone call from Carol. She was trashed but that was normal; she drank a lot. When I answered the phone I started laughing once I realized she was drunk. “What’s going on my friend?” I said.
“I set my sister straight” Carol said.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well I told her to stay the fuck away from you!” she said.
“I was confused… “Why would you do that?” I wanted to know.
“She just wants to use you to experiment with women. And I told her she can’t use you. I also told her about us.”
“Up until that statement I wasn’t really upset but after she said that I got pissed. “First of all I am a grown fucking woman and I don’t need anyone to dictate whom I should be with. Second, how dare she pick and choose who to tell about our arrangement without talking to me first?!? I actually didn’t care who knew because it was my life and as long as they didn’t care who knew I didn’t. Everyone knew them and loved them and rightly so. They were awesome people as individuals and as a couple. And I didn’t want anyone to think that I was interfering with their relationship. But on the subject of telling someone to create a territorial affect, that was a different story. I mean I felt like Carol was almost pissing on her territory by telling her sister. What was the purpose?
“If she didn’t want us to see each other all she had to do was say that. I felt by telling Nicky we were sleeping with each other, she was basically putting claims on me, like I was off limits, although Carol presented it as if she was looking out for me.
“This was the beginning of her trying to control a situation between two people that was uncontrollable other than by the two people involved. But on the subject of exposing the relationship among the three of us, if I met someone I was interested in I would hope and expect they would be supportive and discreet about our relationship. I mean if I went and announced to Patsy’s mother that we were all sleeping together, I don’t think anyone would be happy about that. I don’t mean that I would do anything like that, of course. I would never say anything to Patsy’s family or Carol’s, but I did feel betrayed because of the way that things were done.
“I am not sure what I said but I know I made clear that I was pissed and I felt like she shouldn’t have done that without talking to me first. I asked her what the problem was with Nicky. All she could say me was “She is my sister Kim!” This made no sense to me because three days ago she was fine. I got mad and hung up and then Patsy called me and tried to explain what was going on.
“That just made things worse because I felt the they were trying to tell me who I can see and who I can’t .Which would have been ok if Carol had called me and said, my sister is just looking for an experiment , I think you should stay from her and by the way she is crazy. There definitely was a better way to do it. But at that point, I didn’t even know what to say.
CHAPTER #8
Working through the Insanity…..
“For the next couple of days, Carol and I didn’t really talk but I did keep up with Patsy. She told me that Carol felt really bad because we weren’t talking. I definitely didn’t want her to feel bad, I loved her, and she was my best friend. A while back, she had agreed to teach my daughter, Jesse, how to drive. So I called her and asked if she would give my daughter a driving lesson. Of course she said yes. So she came by, picked up my truck, and they went off for Jesse’s first driving lesson.
“Things didn’t go so smoothly. The truck broke down and there was no way for me to go and pick them up because Carol took the keys to her truck and no one else was around. Now let me remind you, this was the middle of February in Boston. So it was mother fucking cold outside. Carol and Jesse basically walked back to my house and we drove back to the truck so we could try to figure out what was wrong.
“Dead battery, no gas, alternator, who knows I called AAA and told them I needed them to tow it back to my house.
“I think you need a new vehicle”, Brook said with a giggle
“Yes I do! I proclaim with sarcasm, “It’s on my list of things to do.”
“So there we were waiting for the tow. Finally I broke the ice with Carol and asked her “what the fuck was up!” She seemed kind of nervous and I tried to relax her by joking with her about her sister. That’s when she told me she didn’t want me with her sister. This was fine. I mean it was just a kiss or two. So I agreed that I wouldn’t see her sister in a romantic way and we would try to find some other lesbian to play with her. That made her laugh. Carol felt better and I felt better because she wasn’t upset.
“As far as Nicky was concerned, I wasn’t attached to her though she was cool, but I hadn’t invested any real feelings in her so hey what the fuck, my friend wasn’t happy so I agreed to what she wanted. The problem was I really liked talking to her sister. She had a great sense of humor and the way she expressed herself was pretty funny. I loved to listen to her talk about work; she was kind of animated like me but much dryer.
“It was nice to have another friend that I could laugh with who I could also make laugh. I could be myself, or so I thought. But what happened was this: She just stopped talking to me; this was the beginning of my emotional roller coaster ride. I mean as soon as Carol said whatever she said to her she shut me out. Which was ok because I had nothing invested but still pretty odd.
“huge red flag should have gone up when she just shut me out though. But since there was no investment on my part I didn’t take it personally. I didn’t contact her because I figured she would call me if she wanted to talk. Actually I didn’t even have her phone number plugged into my phone. The only way we could have talked was if she called me or we ran into each other. At first I didn’t care about not hearing from her and then after a few weeks, when I thought about it, it bothered me. I didn’t understand why we couldn’t be friends. So I just continued doing what I was doing: Dating, meeting people, being a mother, working and I continued to see Carol and Patsy. I went out on Fridays and Sundays as usual, played pool, listened to music and had a good time.
“So now at this point you and Nicky are not even talking to each other?” Steve asked, confused.
“Nope, she stopped all communication with me.”
March 2009
CHAPTER # 9 She wants me she wants me not…..
“Ok here we go, March… this was an interesting and fucked up month. A lot of different but good things were going on. My birthday was on the thirteenth, and Carol and Patsy were planning a huge 25th anniversary party for the 28th. I decided to celebrate my birthday with my friends at The Secret, the bar we spent so much time at. I had my 21’st there, so why not my 42nd?
“The girls were also having their party there, two weeks after my birthday.
“So you are a Pisces right?” Brook asked.
“Yes I am, two fish swimming in opposite directions, which is exactly how I feel sometimes…
“I know that feeling believe me you’re not alone”, she said with a comforting smile.
“The next part of my story is where things really get complicated. Birthdays are special to me because they are starting points. Most people use New Years to create goals, but I’m a little different - I use my birthday.
“One week before my birthday, I decided to go for a drink by myself at the bar. While I was there, Carol called me to see what I was up to, and I told her where I was. Then she mentioned Nicky which made me asked her how she was doing and basically what the deal was.
“Carol so is your sister mad at me or what?”
“ No, why do you ask?”
“Well I haven’t heard from her in a month. I would really like for her to come to hang out on my birthday.”
“She has been working a lot. I will tell her that you want her to come.” Carol tells me.
“Good, I would love to see her”
“About ten minutes after I hung up with Carol, my phone rang. It was Nicky. We talked for a couple of minutes and of course I invited her to come to hang out. I told her I was looking forward to seeing her. And we hung up.
“During that week I went out to dinner with this woman I had met at The Secret named Stacy. She was really intelligent but overly aggressive and definitely not my type physically. I am not shallow by any means but there has to be some physical attraction with someone I am dating and even though intellectually Stacy was amazing and we had a lot in common because we were both artists, I wasn’t physically attracted to her. The problem was she was so aggressive that she convinced herself she was going to be with me - just a little obnoxious.
“So we went out to dinner, had a great time, and I invited her to my party.”
As I finished my sentence, Ana one of the other waitresses was just coming in. “Hi, Blondie”, she said to me in her broken English.
“How are you my little Mexican?” I yelled out to her as she walked over to meet with the other waitresses.
“Brook and Steve both turned around to see I who was talking to.
“ She is adorable”, Brook noted, as Ana walked by.
“Yes she is, she definitely adds a little brightness to the room when she walks in it.” I replied with a smile.
“So where was I, oh yeah, the day of my birthday I went to Carol and Patsy’s house before I went to the bar, and they gave me my birthday present which was a ticket to Florida! Carol asked me if I wanted to go to Florida with them. I said yes of course. Oh yeah, did I mention that Nicky was also coming? So the plan was for all four of us to go to Daytona together on vacation. At the same time, Carol was going to get some family business done.
“I was so excited because not only was I going to get to hang out with my best friends and I was going to get to meet some of the most important people in Carol’s life; It was one of the best birthday presents I ever gotten. By the time I finished a beer with them and headed out to the bar, it was about 7:30. I wanted to get there early. I bought these glow necklaces to hand out to everyone who came so the people in my life who hadn’t met would know who was there for me. I know, I’m so corny sometimes. It’s the activities director in me. I just thought it would be different.
“So when I got to the bar, Stacy was already there and another women who I had talked to a little bit that a little crush on me. Soon after I got there, Stacy bought me a birthday shot, so I did a shot of Patron and talked about what was going on with me. After about thirty minutes my other friend bought us another shot and we did that. By the time I did the second shot, Carol, Patsy and Nicky showed up.
“Since I hadn’t seen Nicky since the night we had kissed, I wasn’t sure how I would feel about seeing her. So when they came in I gave Carol and Patsy a hug and said hi to Nicky. She was so cute; she actually seemed a little nervous.
“How are you? “I said.
“Good,” she said as she leaned over and whispered to me, “I’m sorry, I didn’t get you anything for your birthday.” she said.I started to laugh.
“I don’t care about that, I’m just glad you came.” I said.
“She smiled at me and I got her a drink. After a couple of minutes, Patsy came over and was talking to us, when Stacy asked all three of us if we wanted to a shot.
“Sure”, I said, “but I don’t think Nicky and Patsy are up for tequila.”
“Just as it came out of my mouth, Nicky looked at me and said “I can do a shot,. What is it?”
“I kind of laughed to myself and said, “Ok. You’re a big girl, I just don’t want you to get sick.” A moment later, we all had shots in front of us. That shot was the shot that cause all the problems I think...
“Ok, let’s do it then,” I said. Nicky picked her shot up and took a little sip. I started laughing because she basically spit it out, and said “I can’t drink that!
“Actually I am laughing now just thinking about it. So, needless to say she didn’t do her shot. We did ours and she toasted with her drink. I actually did her shot, got a beer, and the night went on.
“After a couple of minutes I asked Nicky if she wanted to play some pool. She still seemed a little nervous and I wanted her to relax and have a good time. So we played some pool, laughed a little bit, and went out and had a smoke. By then some of my friends showed up and I basically started working the room and talking to people. During the night I started to feel a little buzzed but ok. I hadn’t had a drink in a while I just kept nursing a draft beer.
“Then my friend Falan and her girl showed up. I was so excited, she was such a special soul and her being there meant a lot to me. I gave them both a big hug and thanked them for coming. After a couple of minutes we decided to play some music and headed over to the juke box.While we were talking I could feel someone watching me. It was kind of strange because the feeling was so strong that it made me look around the room.
“That’s when I noticed Nicky watching us. My eyes met hers for a brief moment and I felt this connection to her that I hadn’t felt before. It was kind of overwhelming but I was also feeling a little dizzy from drinking. Now that I think about it, she was probably reading my lips and I was imagining a connection. Oh yeah, I forget to mention that one of her many skills is sign language. I guess reading lips comes with that skill and working with the deaf.
“After a couple of minutes I felt like I needed to use the ladies room. Falen and Kat followed, talking to me as we walked. When we got in there, there was a wait but finally a stall opened. I walked into the stall and told my friends I would be right out, and that was the end of my night! The next thing I remember is waking up on the floor of Carol and Patsy’s living room. The two of them asking me how I felt and if I was ok.
“There was a plastic Tupperware container at the base of my head, with puke. My head was pounding and I was so nauseous. Once I got up off the floor, I asked what happened and they went on to explain how I went into the stall and basically passed out. I had to be carried out of the bar and they took me to their house to take care of me. I remember nothing, just walking into the bathroom. I guess from what I was told, Carol, Patsy and Nicky got me back to their house and watched over me all night. Nicky told them how to make sure I didn’t choke on my puke and they made sure I made it through the night. I was mortified. How the fuck did this happen? I didn’t drink enough to pass out and I have never reacted to alcohol like that before. We talked about it and came to the conclusion that someone must have slipped me something in my drink.
“I was so embarrassed that I swore I would never go back to that bar.”
“Did you ever find out who did it, who mickied your drink?” Steve asked.
“No, but they suspected the girl Stacy that I had gone out to dinner with the week before. Carol and Patsy were so great they reassured me that everything was ok. How nice is it that the women I felt this connection with were actually helping clean up my puke! Real nice.
“Well since it was a Saturday I had to go work, which I did, even though I felt like total shit. The next day, Sunday afternoon, I got a phone call from Nicky.
“Hey drunken ass, how are you feeling?”
“Much better, I wasn’t drunk; someone did something to my drink.” I said.
“She started laughing, and making fun of me. We talked about our kids, being parents, work, life, relationships, and different people in her life. My favorite thing about our conversation was her laugh; I loved to make her laugh. So, that is what I tried to do the entire time we talked. After a while, I mentioned that my schedule was about to change at work. Pretty soon I would be working basically five to six days a week.
Right after I explained about my work schedule, Nicky asked” So, when is that going to happen?
“I started laughing and said, “Why, you want to go out on a date?“
“At the time I was basically flirting, half serious. But to my surprise, she said “Yes”.
“So she really did like you?” Brook asked as she indicated she was ready for another drink.
“At this point I think she was intrigued by me. So I asked her “When do you want to get together?”
“I am off on Wednesday,” she said. “Why don’t we get together and do something then.”
“I would love that! ” I said.
“First, I have to clear it with my sister”, she said.
“So we basically set up a lunch date and I was pretty excited. I really wanted to know more about who this woman was. I felt this strange draw to her and I wanted to know why.”
CHAPTER 10…
OUR FIRST DATE…NOT..
“Obviously I was attracted to her, so there was some chemistry; chemistry is a strange human factor isn’t it? If you have chemistry with someone it can create pure insanity if you are not sure what you want from each other. My issue is I haven’t had this kind of attraction or chemistry with anyone in a long time. I had forgotten what it felt like to feel that obsessive sexual desire. To get butterflies in your heart when you know you’re going to see them or talk to them. It can be amazing if the two people involved are on the same page, but only if they are on the same page. After our conversation I knew I needed to talk to Carol. I didn’t think a lunch date would cause so much fucking drama.
“But it did. So Nikki and I made the date on Sunday and I set up lunch with Carol on with plans to go out with Nikki on Wednesday. Sounds simple enough, right? But it wasn’t. Carol and I met at the 99 Restaurant for lunch. When we got there, we talked about my birthday and she was so sweet. She reassured me that everything that happened on my birthday wasn’t my fault and I shouldn’t beat myself up over it. She had contacted the bar and learned that it had happened before with another women and they thought they knew could have done it. I was glad to hear that and I loved her for taking care of me. Then I carefully opened the can of worms.
“Carol I talked to Nicky for a while today. She called to check up on me because of my birthday and make fun of me”. I laughed,
“She's good like that." Carol said. "She is really sweet, I really like her."
"Me to," Carol said. And then I really looked at Carol and in a serious tone said, "No, I mean I really like her and I want to get to know her.”
Carol's whole demeanor changed, “Oh, you know how I feel about you and my sister Kim."
"Actually I don't because we really didn't talk about it and I wasn't sure if I was interested in her but I am. Nothing heavy, we just talked about getting together for lunch and hanging out."
“Kim, my sister is not a lesbian and she's just going to hurt you, believe me I know my sister. She manipulates things to get what she wants and then destroys it."
“I paused for a minute to gather my thoughts.

“I’m a big girl Carol. I didn't say we were getting married; just getting together for lunch."
“I don't want you and my sister together, Kim. I know you’re going to do what you want anyway but I don’t want any part of it. Can’t the two of you wait until we get back from Florida?” she said.
“Another statement I didn’t understand. Why did matter if we got to know each other now or in two months?
“After lunch I walked her to her car. The tension coming off her was not a good thing. She was definitely upset. And I hated the way things felt between us when I left. When I got home I messaged Nicky and told her how the conversation went and how Carol said she was going to hurt me. But I also said I was a grown up and I would be fine. I definitely should have listened to my friend.
“This conversation with Nicky was happening via text messages. I fucking hate this form of communication. It has become the coward’s way out of anything emotionally challenging. You don’t want to face someone or you’re afraid of hearing their response, text them, easy out, coward’s way out, just my opinion. So we texted for a couple of minutes and she said she would see me Wednesday. I thought it would be cool to go somewhere and do something just the two of us. Two hours later I got a text cancelling because of Carol.
“Kim, I can’t see you because it would make my sister sad.”
“And this is when we basically started corresponding by email. She didn’t really correspond as much as I did. It was a way for me to say what I wanted and get my feelings out. But through the emails I realized how much I like to write. Writing gave me joy and I it made me feel like I was free to say whatever I wanted without any consequences. So after she cancelled I sat down and wrote my first email to her.
“Here is what the email said. I hadn’t looked at this email since I sent it. But reading it again really makes feel like I must have been slipped some kind of love potion. Especially since I still feel the same way I felt when I wrote this email. I am of course much wiser and my emotions are exactly where they need to be. But I still want nothing but for Nicky to be happy.

March 17, 2009 FIRST EMAIL

Hey Missy......my Fantasy Nurse....
So since I am not going to get to see you and talk to you in person, I thought I would write you a letter..... haven't put out anything this real in a long time... I hope I don't bore you.... but my brain feels like it's going to explode in a good way..... I guess...
Well after you sent me the message cancelling our almost first something... not sure if I should call it a date or not... don't want to get ahead of myself and freak you out... I do have some things I want to put out there just so you know where I am coming from. I have been dating and doing whatever it is I am supposed to do for a while but somehow not really putting myself out there. Confusing isn't it? Try being me for a second. Basically I have this theory that everything is about chemistry and understanding and connection when it comes to being attracted to, or wanting someone... for whatever reasons. As a nurse I am sure you can relate a little bit to what I am saying… sex, desire, being in love are all created by a chemical balance or mixture of endorphins and hormones and whatever else...and I haven't really felt any kind of chemical imbalance or balance towards another person in a long time... until you… By the way, I fucking analyze everything to death... lol...can't help it.
Logically I really must be a control freak over my own emotions, feelings and life... but I never analyze my love for the people in my life... because my wish for all of them is that they know they are loved, happy and safe...it’s that simple.
Me, I am happy almost 95% of the time... I like myself, I am a confident, intelligent, loving human being and I am grateful for all I have and all I have accomplished and look forward to whatever challenges may come next. That is what life is: one big challenge...
Being parents, we also know what sacrifice is...We have done whatever we had to so our kids could have a better life. We have put them before us even when we were tired and felt unappreciated and irritated. We have loved them unconditionally and without judgment, for no other reason than that they are a part of us. I think I am a really good human being. I would do anything for anyone if I was capable. I love everyone that is in my life unconditionally and accept them for who they are… and all I really want in return is the same... to be able to love and be with someone that makes me feel alive... even if for a moment. I am far from greedy... or jealous or petty. A moment would be enough if that’s all I could get. (:
I believe that people come into each others’ lives to teach each other... about themselves. I don't know what is going on between us. What I do know is I like the way it feels. I like the way I feel when I think of your smile and your voice and laugh. The other night at the bar before all the insanity, I remember looking over at you from the juke box and I felt like you were looking at me. I could be totally off, you know, since I was so fucking intoxicated... lol ... but I felt connected to you in a way I haven't felt; haven’t even wanted to feel, in a long time... Something in your eyes… I can't hide anything because of my eyes... Gateway to the soul, right? I absolutely don't want to hurt anyone and of course I don't want to get hurt, but without hurt there is no growth... and if I can feel this good and I haven't even slept with you yet... it’s all good to me... Although … let me be very clear... I fucking want you so bad... lol... I want to feel your body next to mine; to put my lips on every inch of you... to give you anything you have thought of or desired sexually... make you cum until you can't cum anymore. Ever since that night I followed you home and slipped my hands in your panties and felt how wet your pussy was… I want to be inside you and I want to feel you all over me. You know even if nothing ever happens and you decide “hey I am not interested”, I am grateful that I met you and I thank you for helping me to feel again... even if you don't feel the same and I never get to touch you again... I
would be sad... but you gave me back my desire to love again. It's a great thing... joy, sex and fantasy along with laughter, trust and friendship. I thank you....for making me feel normal again...
Have a great day off. I will be thinking of you. No matter what happens, you will always have me here as a friend… when you need to laugh or scream or cry... remember that...
Got to go to work now... Happy Saint Patty's Day...

Kim

March 18th
The next day – the day after I emailed her - was the day we were supposed to go on our date or to lunch or whatever it was. Since we weren’t going to get together I took on a double at work. I figured if I kept busy I would be ok. So I got into work around 10:30 am. I set up and helped my waitress set up. It was pretty slow and all I could think about and talk about was Nicky. I really wanted to see her but what are you going to do? It was so strange though because I could actually feel her thinking about me. I was anxious but in a good way. I had butterflies and my heart was full of this lightness like everything was so warm and beautiful. My girl Gina from upstairs was making fun of me because I had a smile from ear to ear. When I looked at the clock it was about 1:30; time was going by so slow it was frustrating. At this point I had not heard from Nicky and decided to send her a text to see how her day was going. So I picked up my phone and opened it and when I did a text came in for me.
It was from Nicky. It was so weird. We actually were going to text each other at the same time. My cheeks were aching from all the smiling, and yet as I opened the text, I grinned all the more. The message read, “Are you working?” I thought to myself, why she would ask that? She knows I’m working.
Then I got this rush through my body like I could almost feel her. Amazing how we can sense some people so strongly it is almost as if we feel them beside us. I couldn’t shake her presence, so I requested it. My message to her was “Yes I am, so why don’t you come and see me, or is that against the rules?” I shut my phone and headed up stairs to talk to Gina.
While I was upstairs talking with Gina, Kerri came up and called me. “Hey Kim, there is a women down stairs looking for you”.
“Really, what does she look like?” I asked.
“She’s cute, really long blonde hair and thin.”
I couldn’t believe it. She actually came in to see me. I was so excited! I ran down stairs right away. When I got to the bottom of the stairs, there she was with her back to me. All I could see was long blonde hair flowing down her back. It was a beautiful sight. I was so happy at that moment. And I didn’t even know why.
“Ok, so let me get this right. Her sister didn’t want you guys to hang out and she showed up anyway after she told you she couldn’t see you?” Steve asked as he sipped his drink.
I nodded. “As I walked towards her I called her name and she turned around towards me, glowing. My heart was pounding. She had this big smile that would have made anyone’s day and she looked so happy. That alone made me happy. When I finally got to her I went to give her a hug and she kissed me on the lips. I was surprised but pleased at the same time. All the lectures from Carol about how Nikky would turn me into her dirty little secret if we got together, kind of made me think she wouldn't be so open in public. I shouldn’t listen to other people’s shit anyway. My heart is usually ninety nine percent right.
I looked into her beautiful blue eyes. “What are you doing here? You are going to cause problems,” I said with a big smile. She smiled back and said “I know. My sister doesn’t know I’m here” and then she handed me this silver bag with some fancy lace on it. “Happy Birthday.”
I was shocked, so of course the pervert that I am, I reached over to take the bag and I half whispered to her, half laughed to myself, “So are these lotions for a body rub down?” She laughed and handed me the bag and said “No, it’s a bracelet,” she was so innocent, or so I thought. I didn’t even know what to say. “ You bought me jewelry?” I couldn’t believe she bought me jewelry. My heart was filled with happiness.
As I opened the bracelet which was beautiful, she was rambling on about how if I didn’t like it, I could take it back. Oh my god, I wanted to kiss her so badly, my heart was pounding, and my palms were sweaty.
“Are you kidding? I love, love the bracelet. Put it on me right now,” which she did. I actually didn’t take it off till just recently. I love the bracelet and that moment when she gave it to me will stay with me always, because she looked so happy. I wish I could see her happy like that always.
“She stayed for a couple of minutes and mentioned that she was going to tell Carol she had come by to see me. Ok, I mean I thought it was harmless. She made my day, I was so glad she came by. Her coming in to bring me birthday present made up for the horrible night I had on my birthday. She made my birthday special and I will always be grateful for that. After a couple of minutes she gave me a kiss and a hug goodbye and was on her way. After about ten minutes she sent me a text saying she talked to Carol and everything was ok. I sent her back one saying, “good”. And then I got a text from Carol, “I told you to stay away from my sister.” I was pretty confused. Carol was angry, but I figured we could talk about it later.”
CHAPTER 11 HOW THE BUTTERFLY CAME TO BE....
“So I went back to work, gloating about my present to everyone and showing it off proudly. I figured I would get a call from Nicky later. She had asked me what time I was getting off work and I thought maybe she changed her mind about us getting together. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! I basically waited until about eight pm that night and I felt like something was wrong. So I texted her to see what was up. And when I got the reply text, I could feel the coldness. Funny how happiness and warmth can turn to cold so quickly.
“The message read “I’m sleeping.” I thought she must have had a rough day. Little did I know that this was the beginning of the Butterfly going into a cocoon. Whenever things got stressful, she basically would go take a nap. That was how she escaped from her feelings of disappointment, I guess. The more I got to know her, the more I felt like she represented a butterfly.
“There is a theory that a Butterfly’s wings might create tiny changes in the atmosphere that may ultimately alter the path of tornado or delay, accelerate or even prevent the occurrence of a weather event in a certain location. The flapping of wings represents a small change in the initial condition of the system, which causes a chain of events leading to large-scale alterations of events. Had the butterfly not flapped its wings, the trajectory of the system might have been vastly different.
“While the butterfly does not cause the tornado, the flap of its wings is an essential part of the initial conditions resulting in a tornado. Imagine that just the flap of a butterfly’s wings could cause a tornado or prevent one. And this particular butterfly could cause multiple tornados without ever meaning to. All I know is my path being crossed with this butterfly created many ripples, some good, some challenging but all worth the flap of her wings. This definition absolutely represents Nicky. A butterfly is such a beautiful creature, so graceful and elegant and free. The main thing that a butterfly represents to me is change. I remember, when I was a kid I used to capture caterpillars and we would put them in jars and wait for them to form their cocoons and emerge as the butterflies they were meant to be.
“I don’t know what it is about Nicky that made me feel so alive, or maybe I do. She made me want to change my life and I didn’t know why or how until now. Don’t ask me how but I understood why she was in her own cocoon and hadn’t really tried to emerge from it to become the butterfly she was meant to be. She wasn’t ready to fly yet; maybe she thought her wings wouldn’t be strong enough. All I really wanted to do was help her see that she could; that her wings were strong enough. How could I help her see that she had the strength, if I didn’t? She gave me the clarity and strength to want to love again. No matter how it ended up, I knew I wanted to spread my wings and open my heart, especially if I could help someone else see that they could do the same. I know it sounds crazy but from the moment we kissed I knew I was supposed to help her see herself. I really didn’t do a good job of helping her accomplish that though.
“What Nicky was to me, was a beautiful creature that needed to have the freedom to fly and land when she felt safe. But every once in a while even if she felt safe, she still needed to fly because that’s just what they do. Her flying away involved ignoring me and taking a lot of naps. Everyone has their way to fly out of sight when they need to regroup or escape. She just shut the world out by sleeping.
“What happened is Carol basically told sister that she didn’t want us together and she really meant it. God only knows what else was said. But I am sure it was all the negative things that come with challenging your fears to create your happiness. Or how lesbians are fucked and how destructive it would be if Nicky came out. ‘Are you ready to be outed?’ ‘Are you ready to tell your kids you’re a lesbian?’ Why would you scare someone or make someone feel shitty about feeling something new that makes them feel good? Why not tell them that it make no difference if two people really care about each other and are meant to be together, whether it be long term, or just to experience something great for a minute. If they make each other feel good and bring happiness to each other that’s a good thing!”
Brook busted in. “Kim, what’s wrong with Carol is she jealous of her sister!”
“I don’t know, I was just as confused as you are.”
And I am still confused. Doesn’t Carol want her sister to be happy? If two people are happy together, what else matters?
Brook was getting a little frustrated at this point.
“You can run and hide and believe all the bullshit given to you to make you afraid and give up your shot at happiness. It happens especially when someone you love and trust knows how to push your buttons and intentionally does so, to scare you, then takes their own fears and projects them onto you.
“Carol used the term cock blocking a couple of times, which I absolutely felt like she was doing, although it wasn’t just about sex; I really liked Nicky. She shut herself off from me and I didn’t hear from her for days. No explanation, just silence. It was fucking horrible. I didn’t know what to do or how I could get through to her. Carol wasn’t speaking to me so I made a visit to her house to so we could talk things through. And we did talk. I explained to her my point of view and she explained hers.
“Carol said some pretty mean things but her main point was her sister was not a lesbian and she didn’t want her to be. Some of the shit she said to me was pretty fucked. I mean she told me her sister wasn’t very smart or compassionate and she just wants what she wants. She more or less had a princess complex. I argued my points and said that everything she was saying I didn’t see. “Carol, she is a nurse, you don’t become a nurse by being stupid or uncompassionate.” I felt like Carol was being unreasonable. Almost like she really didn't know her sister or at least the person I had come to know. I thought she was actually more intelligent than most of the women I have dated. Let me tell you I have dated some pretty smart women.”
Sisters through and through….
“She is not going to call you, Kim, I told her not to!” Carol informed me; Carol wanted me to understand that she had all the power when it came to her sister; all the control… and she did. That pissed me off but Nicky is a grown up. If she isn’t calling me because her sister told her not to, what do I want to be involved with someone like that for? Why would I want to be with someone who can’t make their own decisions about who they want to be with?
“We talked for a long time and since I knew I wasn’t going to hear from Nicky I decided to send her another email. I wanted an explanation; I thought I deserved an explanation. Carol had all the power and there was nothing I could do about it. Things were steadily getting more confusing and bizarre…I mean I love my sister but I would never do anything to keep her from being happy. The thing that upset me most was Carol’s reaction to us being interested in each other. We both told her that we made each other feel good when we thought about one another and we just wanted to see where it went. I felt like Carol was jealous of her sister or of me wanting her sister. Maybe there was resentment from when they were kids that was never resolved. I felt like she didn’t want her sister to be happy which really broke my heart.
“That conversation changed the way I behaved around Carol, what I said to her about Nicky and to some degree, the respect I had for her changed forever. I no longer saw her the same. I felt like she was being manipulative and deceitful. She was trying to say anything and doing everything she could to keep me from wanting to be with Nicky.

Merry Christmas....Appreciate and be Grateful....

2009-12-25T07:18:00.000-08:00

Today is a day of true gratefulness...I am so grateful for the many precious gifts I have had the opportunity to be a part of this,the gift of love,friendship and family...The gift of compassion, creativity,opportunity, health and the true sense of balance with the universe even when things are not so balanced....lol....
If you are struggling for any reason,please take a minute and ask yourself.....Why do I feel like this/ Am I healthy?Do I have a roof over my head? If I am not working ,can I work? Do I have the abilty to give and receive love? Do I have food in my fridge and family and friends that would help me if I just asked?
We have become so self absorbed with what we don't have that we don't appreciate what we do....take a moment and appreciate the people and the opportunity and love that you have in your life at this MOMENT,while you are reading this....call someone just to say I Love you and I am here for you.....even if for a moment....you will feel amazing....I promise.....

2009-12-16T21:27:00.000-08:00

CHRONICLES OF A LESBIAN BARTENDER
FOR THE LOVE OF A BUTTERFLY
a love story with a few twists, some major dysfunction
and a little spiritual growth for good measure

INTRODUCTION

It had been close to three months since I last spoke with Nicky, my brain and heart still constantly trying to process what had happened between us. How could I fall in love with a straight woman? Why did I risk losing a 25 year friendship to be with someone that had no concept of commitment or unconditional love? Does true love exist or is it a myth instilled in us, so we are forever searching and reaching for some unseen connection to another human being? Is love worth it? I think so and I will tell you why.
Throughout most of my adult life I have been attracted to women. Since high school I knew there was something different about me. While my friends were talking about their boyfriends and when they were going to do it, I was focused on how many free throws I could get in a row at basketball practice so I could impress the girls on my team. Most of the girls I spent time with were pretty developed; Not me. The boys used to call me “carpenter’s dream, flat as a board and never been nailed.” Now that I think it about it, they were pretty mean. They definitely couldn’t say that about me now. I bet if the boys were here now and we compared notes, I have probably been with more women then they have, over the last 20 years, at least. I have to say I have been in love with some pretty amazing women. My journey up to this point has been an adventure that, even if I could, I would not change. Why? Because I would be petrified that if I did, it would change the lessons I’ve learned. I wouldn’t be me, the amazing woman I am today.
I could tell you stories all day long about different women I have loved, what they brought into my life, and the many lessons I’ve learned along the way. But this story is the one that has brought me to you. This one woman in particular, woke something inside me that lay dormant; a part of me deep within, that I had no idea existed. Loving her made me whole again, although the journey I had to go through was painful and hopeless at times. She helped me find my true passion within myself, and for that, I will always be grateful.

Chapter 1 ANGELS ARE EVERYWHERE

Durgin Park had become my home away from home over the last year. It is one of the oldest restaurants in Boston. Established in 1826 in the heart of Quincy Market, the building itself was huge. There were five floors, four of which were utilized for customers depending on the need and want.
Each customer visiting us brought with them a memory of some amazing moment created at Durgin Park in years past. Many customers had been there years before and wanted to introduce a new family member or lover to the history of our crazy but fun restaurant. Stories of lovers and their first dates came to us from all walks of life and from all over the world. It was amazing to meet a couple who had been there 50 years prior and were still as in love with each other as they had been on that first date.

Over the years families had developed a tradition of celebrating reunions and special family moments at the place where the waitresses were known to be sassy, full of spunk, sarcasm and a devotion to giving customers the show that they came there for. One of my favorite waitresses is a woman named Gina. She has been there for over thirty years. In 1966 she was a Playboy Bunny. Now in her early 60’s, Gina still looks great, standing about 5’4” with an average build, almond shaped hazel eyes and long bleached blonde hair, usually wrapped in rollers when I arrive for my shift. Actually, now that I think of it, I don’t think I have ever seen her with her hair down. Whenever I see her, it’s early morning or late afternoon, and she is always in uniform. We always sit and talk for a few minutes before I go downstairs to set up for the day. She is one of the most real women I have ever met. Her truth is real truth. You can always count on her to stand up for the little guy and protect the innocent. Her honesty and genuine nature are refreshing. She makes it easy to work because she makes you feel like you belong.

Over the last few months, we have become great friends. I could tell her anything and I know she will put me right where I belonged. Big L, which means Big Lesbian, is my designated nickname from most of the staff. Yes, I was the token lesbian in the restaurant, which was fine by me. Everyone I work with is family to me. Over the last few months, work became the place I unloaded my stress and expressed my happiness.

Most of my shifts are in the Glass Light Pub. It’s located on the ground floor and overlooks Faneuil Hall. There are thirteen stools at the bar, and five booths up against the wall. The ceiling is the original tin ceiling and the walls are made of concrete, painted a dark maroon. There are glass framed pictures of moments in history, from Babe Ruth to Presidents Roosevelt. The bar itself was made of oak and in need of refinishing. But if we did refinish it, it would almost be like erasing a bit of history. Babe Ruth sat at that bar and so did Kennedy. My point is this: There was so much history at that bar, and every time I worked it, I was creating some of my own. How awesome is that?

Over time, this room, The Glass Light Pub, became my couch; my safe haven. This is the place where I opened my heart and spoke truth to whoever would listen. Going to work became therapy because there, I could let my thoughts and feelings run free. I expressed myself openly and spoke without filtering anything. My customers and I shared intimate details of our lives and became mutual therapists without the cost. The connections and moments that I have made on this journey are stories that I will be telling for years to come.

My life over the past year had become consumed with sex-love-friendship and betrayal. Each moment of emotion I went through was experienced with incredible empathy and understanding at all times. Once they sat down and I put that first drink in front of them, they stayed till my story was finished, attentive to every word I spoke, hungry for all the details of my lovers, past and present, willing and waiting patiently to give me their take on what they think I should do, sharing their life stories as they compared to my situation, each customer doing their best to convince me not to let the heartache from this experience keep me from trusting and loving someone else.

Sometimes people come into your life for a minute and without knowing create changes to your core for the better. My customers and friends have done just that for me and I hope I have done that for them. Angels come in many forms and I feel like in some way, everyone who enters your life changes it to some degree. We meet people every day who are willing to take a minute and listen or help when they don’t have to.

This is a love story that I definitely didn’t see coming. It caught me by surprise; I wasn’t looking for it. It is also a story about self discovery, truth, and every day people who make a difference without trying. Each character has its own story as well as strengths and weaknesses.

It was about 11:30 and I was talking to Vicky and Sam, two of the waitresses that I worked with regularly. Vicky was this beautiful young woman with a soul way beyond her young years. She was only 23 but had the soul of an 80 year old women at times, wise and kind. She and I would talk about our lives and I had grown to love her like a daughter. Sam was a little younger, already married, and one of the sweetest young people I have met in a long time.

While I was talking to the girls, a couple came in and seated themselves at the bar. As I walked over to them I introduced myself, “Hi, how are you, my name is Kim, would you like a menu or just drinks?” I smiled and put a napkin in front of them. They both smiled back at me and introduced themselves as well. “Hi Kim, I’m Brook and this is Steve. What’s your specialty?” “Do you want sweet or sour?" I asked. “I’m thinking sweet“; Brook said as she looked at Steve and shook her head up and down. With that, I made them one of my killer Hypnotic concoctions.
“So, where are you from and how long have you been together?’ I asked. This question almost always gets them to relax and open up a bit. After a few more basic questions, somehow we wind ourselves around to philosophical conversations about religion, politics, the universe, The Secret or who knows what. Next thing I know we are talking about our lovers and past relationships, families. “So Kim”, Brook asks. “Are you single?” Now that’s a question with multiple answers. “Well I am not sure”, I say with a smirk. “What do mean? Come on spill?” She says with an inviting smile.

By this time she and Steve already know I am a lesbian and they have someone they want me to meet. “Well how about I tell you what’s going on and you tell me if you think I’m single or crazy… I am technically single, but not emotionally. What I mean is I am in love with someone who I thought cared about me. Of course I still love her and I always will. But I am struggling with the process of putting myself out there for an opportunity with someone else. How about I just tell you what went on and you can give me your take on it.”