My Heart Beats for Her.....

When is it time to let go…What are the signs within yourself that you really need to pay attention to, so you don’t lose yourself once again, in the great game of Love? I don’t know , I thought I did, I thought I was in front of the game. Game is not really what I want to refer love to but it sure feels like one sometimes…
So, if you have been keeping up and reading my entries or if you know me personally, then you know that I am head over heals in love for the first time in forever. I have loved or been in love but not like this, not that ache in your heart when you don’t hear from them or that disappointment in your soul when you feel like they don’t feel the same.
I’m so fucked right now, I mean I consider myself to pretty rational and some what balanced. But I’m so sad and lost I don’t know what direction to take. I know I am in the process of a HUGE life lesson. I mean I am always in the process of some kind of lesson and I am battling this one because this lesson is the one that’s going to lead me to my rightful path and the next part of my journey.
I have a hard time with myself when I feel something and I trust something so completely that in my head it can’t be wrong. When you feel something for someone so strongly that the thought of them not being a part of your day in some way makes it hard for you to breath and your heart feels like its going to explode right in your chest…When you just want to crawl into bed and sleep so that hopefully when you wake up the heart ache will have subsided. We convince ourselves that some how while we were sleeping the heart ache will melt and mold itself into our dreams. So when we wake up we won’t feel the pain or ache.
I haven’t felt that kind of ache in such a long time and I understand that when you love someone from the soul you are going to get hurt. That is part of the growth, the strength, I mean if it didn’t hurt when the person you supposedly love did something to upset you…then you probably don’t really love them.. We learn from pain ,we become stronger from distress and discomfort, it sucks but it’s true..
I guess heart ache is kind of like pregnancy or labor, once you go through it you forget what it feels like even though its probably the most painful thing you think you will ever experience. But of course we would go through the process of being in love again even though we know there’s a chance we may have to go through the pain of the loss.
My problem is quite simple, I am in love with someone who of course is unavailable…How many times have I been here…to many to count.. But the difference this time is I feel like this is where my real journey begins ,with this woman by my side…Together I think we will be unstoppable and capable of doing anything…But if she doesn’t feel the same ,it doesn’t matter how I feel…
I don’t know if I should let her go so she can figure out what she wants or stay and fight for us because I feel like we belong together. Should I stay in the background and trust that what she is telling me is truth. And I am not saying she is lying but if you don’t know how you feel or you are not honest with yourself ,truth can vary. I believe with all my heart that she love’s me ,I also believe that we would have an amazing journey together but if she doesn’t trust and believe in us, why should I.
I know this much for sure, that I would do everything and anything to make sure she had whatever she wanted, needed or desired. I would cut my heart out and give it her if she needed me to. Every part of my being is drawn or pulled in her direction and when we are together I feel complete… Even though I know I don’t have her with me completely because of her situation. But what she gives me is in incredible and it makes me feel like I can do anything. When she is with me.
And up until a few days ago I was right here waiting ,just waiting for her to get her shit together as she would put it and has said to me so many times. Then we had a conversation that changed everything, isn’t it amazing how one word or one sentence can change things so dramatically that you may never feel the same again. Or you may never look at or trust that person in the same light. Not that you love them any differently because you will always love them but just one ounce of doubt can make something so perfect so pure into something completely different.
I’m sure its me and my emotional insanity as well as my experiences with love, hurt and disappointment create these insecurities. I just have a hard time returning to a good place once I have been damaged by someone I love. What I mean by damaged is when I give them my heart and soul, I hand it to them without conditions and I don’t give them any instructions because stupid me, I think they should have built in instructions on how to handle MY heart. Like my heart is any different then anyone else’s .
Of course I expect them to handle me with care…but we all know that with love comes hurt.. None of us were given instructions on love, the only way you learn about love is to experience it, to live it ,to be in it without fear, without limits, without instruction.
I am so out of my element with this woman, I so just want to shut the fuck down and walk away because she can’t give me the commitment I want and maybe she never will be able to. But I can’t , I can’t walk away because she now has half my heart. The half of my heart that I have never let anyone see or touch because I was afraid, that if I let anyone near that half and they damaged it I would never recover.
Never be the same and I was right, I will never be the same, how could I. I let her in and she touched me in places in my heart and soul that no one has ever touched. And its amazing how wonderful it feels, I have never felt anything so light and joyful in all of existence on this planet in this time.
Her smile and her laugh give me joy even when she’s not with me. But yet I am still torn because she is torn. I am torn more because I don’t know what the best plan of action is, do I let her go and hope we are really meant to be. Or do I stay and hope she can get it together in a descent amount of time so I don’t become resentful or regretful.
I have become somewhat obsessed with time, I feel like time in meant to be lived in the moment…That the most joyful part of who you are should always be in the moment, when we are not we are cheating everyone we come in contact with. I believe that every person you meet is someone who you are meant to give something to even if it’s a smile.
I have never wanted to be or felt so connected to another human being next to my daughter…. My soul has been intertwined with this amazing women who still hasn’t made up her mind or still has doubts about what we are meant to be to each other.
Thank god I love writing because it always gives me clarity when I am finished, like now ,when I started this entry I was finished with this chapter of love, I was ready to be done and to move into the next moment. Not because I don’t love her, want her or need her like the air I breath but because I want to give her the time and space to do what she needs to do.
Now that I have worked through my insanity I don’t think that’s such a good idea although I would love to hear your take on it….Should I wait or should I move on and hope we will find each other down the road……the only problem with that is I don’t do backwards well, once I move forward I don’t usually go backwards …The only thing I know for sure is I LOVE HER AND I WANT HER TO BE HAPPY…WITH OR WITH OUT ME…

She deserves that and so much more….