CHRONICLES OF A LESBIAN BARTENDER....next chapter

CHAPTER 5THE KISS THAT CHANGED EVERYTHINGCHAPTER #5
The Kiss that Changed Everything……

“What do you mean? You met someone while you were seeing Carol and Patsy?”
“I told you, I met Carol’s sister.” I started to laugh out loud. “You definitely need to drink some water.” “Yes, I met Carol’s sister. This is where the story gets a little complicated. Sometime in February, Patsy was bartending one Sunday afternoon at the lesbian bar we hung at called “The Secret”. So of course I went down to hang out and have a couple of beers. When I got there, she already had a group of friends and family there which was really cool. Her mom, mom’s neighbor’s and Carol’s sister Nicky.
“I had met Nicky a few months prior at Carol’s house and we chatted for a bit and had a beer together. At the time I remember thinking there is something about this woman. I mean, she was definitely attractive and funny but she was also a hard read. I am usually really good at reading people, but she was tough. What I do know, is she was definitely sad and pissed about her daughter. I know this only because we compared notes about our kids.
“We both had daughters the same age and actually the same name. I could feel that she was guarded almost like she was hiding something. My gaydar was going off a little bit but that definitely could have been wishful thinking. The first time I met her was months before anything had happened between me and the girls. So anyway she was also there at The Secret.
“Carol introduced us again and I made my rounds saying hello to everyone before I went to the juke box to play some music. As long as the juke box was playing, I was happy. My favorite thing about being there was the juke box. Sometime during the afternoon I asked Nicky if she wanted to play some pool. At the time I wasn’t sure if she knew how to play or she was just pretending to have no clue. A fluke, a good eye, or a bit of a hustler, she could definitely shoot, so we played a game or two and hung out with the girls for a while.
“Carol was drinking hard stuff, rum and coke, so she was getting pretty lit. Me, I was pacing myself and bullshitting with a group of women that I had never met before. Sometime around 11:30, Patsy came to me and said she needed to get Carol home because she was all done but that Carol’s sister wasn’t ready to go. Patsy was worried about her staying without them and getting home safely.
“I looked over at Nicky and saw that she was joking with a couple of women and having a good time.”
“Patsy, I will make sure she gets home ok.” I said. “Are you sure?” she said. “Yes I got it, take Carol home, I will take care of Nicky.”
“So for about another hour I continued to talk to some girls while Nicky did her thing. Then without warning she came up to me and said, “I’m leaving, I can get home on my own.”
“No, no, that’s not the point. I promised Patsy I would make sure you get home safe, so I will follow. Besides, I’m ready to go.” So we headed out the door, and on the way to her car she informed me that she needed smokes.

“I told her, “Ok we can stop on the way to your house.”
“So off we went. I drove behind her to make sure she wasn’t all over the road, and stayed close so no cops could pull up behind her. We stopped at a gas station about two miles from her house. I parked right in front, and she, for some crazy reason parked across the parking lot. Instead of waiting for her I just picked the smokes up for her. I’m good like that. I was on my way to her car when she finally emerged from it.
“When I passed the smokes to her, she said looked at me and said, “I am really drunk, I didn’t realize how drunk till I started driving.” At this point I was thinking, I am so glad that I didn’t let her leave by herself. She thanked me for the smokes, asked me if I want any money, which of course I didn’t. And then we were back on the road to get her home.
“Finally we arrived at her house. I had no clue where we were but I have a GPS so it’s all good. “Thanks for following me,” she says with a smile. “Anytime”, I said. “So do you want to come in for a drink” She asked me. “First mistake… or was it?
Brook and Steve both chimed in with different comments. “You are in trouble now.” and “Any time a woman asks you to come in for a drink that late at night, you know something is up.” As they finished they both looked at each other and started laughing.
“Well maybe if you are looking for something then you might think that, but I wasn’t. Are you guys trying to say I was being naïve?” I responded.
“Ok, smartasses, let me finish and then you can give me your shit.” I grinned at them.
“So as I was saying, I looked at her and said “Sure, I could use a glass of water.” And I follow her in. We had to go through a screened in porch to get into her house and it was a little cluttered. So, of course she commented on what a mess it was. Personally I couldn’t have cared less. My house isn’t any better. Women can be so self conscious.
“When we got inside she gave me a tour of her home while she explained with great pride how she had just finished giving her house a face lift. She redid a lot of things on her own and did a pretty good job. She had repainted each room a different color, each color softer than the next. But her proudest accomplishment was the kitchen floor. She had pulled up two layers of stick down tiles and the glue was a pain in the ass to remove, so it took her a while to get it all up. The way she explained it made it sound like a tedious and complicated process. Either way she finished it and it looked great. We went through the kitchen to the dining room and we eventually ended up in her living room which was really cool space. The room was surrounded by huge windows in a complete L shape. It was a really big room with a kind of echo when you spoke. The window dressing was just draped across the window but didn’t cover it, which I thought was pretty bold but it worked for the room.
“We were standing in the center of this huge room. With my back to Nicky, I told her she should let me do a painting for her.”
“You’re an artist too?’ Brook asked. “What other talents do you have?” She asked with a flirtatious tone. “A few”, I said with a smile and continued talking.
“While I was talking, at some point I turned around to look at Nikki. And she kissed me.
“Oh shit, what did you do?” Brook said to me.
“Well it totally threw me off”, I said, “because I did not see it coming. What I should have done was put a stop to it. Instead I kissed her back” I said with a big smile. She was a really good kisser. I’m a sucker for a woman who can kiss.
“We basically started making out for what seemed like a long time but probably wasn’t. You can do a lot of heavy petting and kissing in a short period of time. So after kissing for a few more seconds I remembered who I kissing. I stopped myself and looked at Nicky. “What are we doing?” I asked her in a soft voice.
“You’re a really good kisser...” “Thanks so are you,” I replied. With every detail I felt Brook’s eyes probing mine, feeling everything I felt, as I spoke of this woman who had stolen a kiss and captured my heart all in the same breath.
“You’re also my best friend’s sister ; actually her straight sister and you’re a little drunk… In fact, because you’re drunk, I almost feel like I’m taking advantage of you.”
“I’m a grown woman Kim and I know what I am doing.” She replied.
“The reality is, she kissed me and I wasn’t expecting or looking to kiss her because I have rules. The rules are straight women are off limits; I don’t even pretend or imagine kissing straight women that I come in contact with. I kind of feel like I’m being disrespectful to straight women even think about it. But my thinking process can be kind of fucked sometimes. Besides the fact that in my head I kept thinking I definitely shouldn’t be kissing this woman. I mean, I am sleeping with her sister.
“Of course, she didn’t know I was sleeping with her sister. Isn’t it funny how we have so many conversations in our head? Well I do anyway. Crazy fucking thoughts were going through my head but did I stop? Of course not. I was having way too much fun, besides the fact that by then I was getting all worked up.
“At some point during all this, I looked at Nicky, which up until that point, I really hadn’t done. Once I stopped and really looked at her, I should have realized how much trouble I was in. She had the most incredible blue eyes, with a slight tint of green and brown in the center. Her lips were small and thin, perfect for her face, she has great smile, really white teeth but one of her bottom two teeth is a little crooked and that just gave her smile more character.
“The expression on her face was so innocent but the way she made me feel was incredible! I felt like it was MY first kiss! Remember what your first kiss was like? I mean it’s scary but exciting at the same time, both of you trying to accommodate each other’s mouth, by the way each of you use your tongue.
“You don’t want to use too much or be too aggressive unless the other person gives you an indication that they want you to be aggressive. Kissing is like an art form, kind of like dancing, you need to know when to take the lead and when to follow.

“As far as she and I were concerned, I think we had that art form down with each other. We definitely complimented each other when it came to kissing.
“Nikki is a little shorter than I am and looking from an angle where our eyes absolutely connected, what I saw in her eyes was this passionate gentle soul screaming to be released.”
“Nicky, what are we doing? “ I pulled back and asked.
“I’m sorry Kim, I have always wanted to kiss a girl and I have been watching you all night. You are really pretty”, she said to me.
“Now I didn’t even know how to react. First of all, no one had ever told me I was pretty; that was definitely a first. All I could do was start kissing her again. I couldn’t help myself. While we were kissing there was this peaceful silence that crept in between the kisses, that was so calming. I felt like I knew her from somewhere. Her presence with me seemed so familiar. I had never felt that with anyone before. I had definitely had connections with other women I have been with. But this connection was different from all the others.
“She had her hands all over the place like she didn’t know what to touch first. My hands, of course, knew exactly where they wanted to be. I was kissing her neck and pulling her into my body so I could feel her against me. It was almost like a perfect fit. I have to say this, everyone has their thing. You know certain body parts that just the feel of them make you want more. I guess with heterosexual women it’s probably a hard cock or the size of his cock but for me it’s a women’s ass and legs. I don’t mean to be so graphic but I don’t know how else I could describe it.
“I can be just like a man at times; I mean my mind has one track when I get excited. And I was extremely exited! So like I was saying, I really get turned on by the shape and the feel of a woman’s body and when we are making out it makes me so fucking hot. While we kissed I pulled her toward me with my left arm and I used my other hand to explore her body over her clothes. She felt so good; she obviously takes care of herself, flat stomach and pretty toned everywhere else. Let me give a quick description of her so you can picture what she looks like to me.
“When I say ‘to me’, what I mean is we all see people and things differently. She is probably about 5’4”, maybe, very petite, with the most beautiful long blonde hair. Her hair is straight and flows down to her ass. I mean fucking long. Blue eyes. Her skin is soft but rough at the same time, you can see that she likes the sun and obviously gets in it when she can. She has a small, I mean tiny, scar just above the curve of her upper lip. She carries herself in an almost light and bouncy kind of state, most of the time. The rest of the time has a really sexy kind of sway when she walks. I mean, people tell me I walk like a dude with soul. My walk is pretty unique so I have been told. Her walk is definitely a woman who knows how to use her body language to get what she wants. Whether she knows that or not I’m not sure but I think she does.
“I almost felt like I was inside of her head as she began to explore my breasts with her hands. We had stopped kissing and I watched her as she ran her hands over my chest , her expression made me feel like I was watching a kid in a toy store trying to figure out whether they liked the feel of the toy or not. It was kind of funny but wicked sexy. I couldn’t imagine at 44 years old, having an attraction for women that I’d never explored.
“We continued to touch and kiss which was amazing but I was getting so turned on. I mean I was throbbing at this point and all I could think about was ripping her clothes off and feeling her body next to mine, right there on the living room floor. I wanted to feel how wet she was, and I did.
“I can be pretty aggressive but I think in Nikki, I had definitely met my match. She is by far one of the most sexually aggressive women I have met in a long time. Believe me when I say I loved the fact that she was aggressive. So while we were kissing I basically slid my hands down her pants and when my fingers finally reached her where I wanted them to, oh my god, I almost had an orgasm . She was so wet. I wanted to be inside her so bad but before I could even get situated she pulled my hands out of her pants and held onto my arm so I couldn’t return to where I’d been. In my head I was thinking ok, so you want to be in control, I’m all yours just point me in the direction of the bedroom please!
“By this time, I was trying to slowly steer her towards the stairs so we could get to the bedroom. She had mentioned her daughter might come home and I was a little nervous she might walk in on us. That’s all I needed was to traumatize Carol’s niece on top of molesting the sister I’d promised I would take care of. What the hell is wrong me, I’m so fucked!”
Brook and Steve started to laugh once again, “You’re not fucked, you’re just human. What happened next?”
They were both sobered up a little bit by then so I made them another round of drinks. “When I tell you, you’re going to laugh, it was actually pretty funny. All I really wanted was to feel her body next to mine. As we were working our way to the stairs I felt the two of us go a little off balance. And before I knew it I could feel her falling and me with her.
“We both went down as I tried to get my arm around and behind her head so she would land on me and not the floor. But I didn’t quite make it. We hit the floor hard but her head hit the floor harder. I kept thinking, you fucking idiot, all you were supposed to do was get this woman home safely and now she probably is going to have a concussion because you let your pussy rule your world.”
“Are you ok?” I said as the two of us lay on floor.

“I looked over and she was laughing so hard she couldn’t breathe which just made me start laughing with her until we were both gasping for air. So there we were lying on the floor laughing at, and with, each other because we were so consumed in a moment of passion that we didn’t give a shit about falling. It was awesome! I will never forget that night. That night was the beginning of the transformation I am in now. That night changed my life. Crazy isn’t it how some moments can leave a mark on your soul that forces you to evolve into who you were meant to be. And what you were meant to do.
“I pulled myself up off the floor and then pulled her up. She looked at me and said without any hesitation, “You’ve got to go, I have to go to bed”.
“Ok, I thought, strange, direct but strange. So she walked me to the door and we made out for a few more seconds and I left. But before I left, she asked me not to say anything to Carol.“
“That’s it, so you didn’t sleep with her? Steve interrupted me.
“No, I did want to but I was glad we didn’t although if we had it probably would have ended there. Especially if all she was looking for was a way to experiment, but we will never know now, will we?” I replied with a heavy sigh.
“What about Carol, did you tell her?’ “I am getting to that. Patience.” I said with smile.
CHAPTER 6
SISTERLY LOVE AND FAMILY TRUTH
“Ok, decisions, decisions. So basically Nicky didn’t want me to say anything. I really didn’t want to say anything either. I didn’t want to screw her up with her sister and I didn’t want Carol to be upset with me. So for three days I kept it to myself, not wanting to make any waves. At the same time Nicky and I had been talking on the phone a little bit about what happened between us. I wanted to make sure she was ok, not freaked out about everything. So we talked about it she wasn’t and I was happy about that.
“We also talked about her marriage and some of her relationships with men. I thought it was really cool that she opened up to me because I wanted to get to know who she was from all aspects. The only way you can really understand a person’s character is from their past experiences. I mean everything we are is because of something we were challenged or touched by in our past. That’s my belief anyway.
“True, I believe that too,” Brook nodded slowly with searching look in her eyes like she was trying to read me. I love when women try to read me.
“Throughout our conversations Nicky explained to me that she had been with her husband for ten years. That he wasn’t a very nice guy or he was but when he drank he could be an ass. She had gotten married really young, pregnant with her son, and thought it was what she should do like most good Catholic girls. They had two children together; a boy and a girl. Her son, now twentythree, was in college studying video. He is actually pretty brilliant. I think he is going to be one wealthy young man some day. Her daughter was about to graduate from high school, typical teenage girl, you know how girls can be with their moms. It‘s a love hate relationship. You know how some young girls go through that stage where they hate their moms? Nikki’s daughter was absolutely there. From what she said, her husband was a good provider but not a good partner. It was extremely sad to know that this man had damaged her heart by instilling so much fear in her. From what she told me, he had basically kept her emotionally captive in her own house and in my opinion she had to find a way to survive. What else could she do but start building walls to protect herself from the emotionally damaging abuse that he inflicted on her on a daily basis?
“When I say emotionally damaging, I mean by not allowing her to grow as a person, to seek out her dreams and desires with the support and encouragement she deserved. If you are not allowed to be who you are supposed to be; to grow and in the process discover your true path, what happens to you?
“If it was me I would have done exactly what she did: Withdraw into my own fantasy world. She did everything in her power to hold the family that she loved so much, together. She took care of her children, protecting and nourishing them with all the tools they needed to become decent human beings. But what she didn’t realize, now this is just my opinion, was that the part of her that she had tucked away where the wall began around her heart so she could survive all of the mental and emotional abuse and neglect on a daily basis, was the part of her that helped her grow, that gave her courage to face her fears with faith and love. She had closed off that part of her heart that she needed most if she was ever going to find herself. She had blocked off that part of her soul that screamed out to be passionate and excited about everyday life. That part that needed to feel something real to experience true joy through true growth that comes from within.
“If we are not allowed to experience true inner growth, how can we experience true joy? How can you know what being in love really is? I couldn’t imagine every day or almost every day… hopefully it wasn’t every day… getting out of bed and taking care of the house and the kids and a husband but not giving myself what I needed. I guess I am a lot more selfish than she is.
“Just thinking about what happened to her makes me sad. I wished I had been around for her. I was also confused as to why no one helped her. But she wouldn’t be who she is if she didn’t go through all of that, if she didn’t experience the challenges she did. Who would she be today? Today she is a really compassionate nurse and really loves working with deaf. Is that because she was so stifled that she genuinely understands what it feels like to have no voice? She didn’t have one for such a long time but does she have a voice now? Maybe, maybe not, what I have a hard time wrapping my head around is how she hid her unhappiness from her family. I mean Carol is so protective but yet so critical of her behavior. Where was she when her baby sister needed her most? Why didn’t anyone notice how dysfunctional her relationship was with this man? Why didn’t anyone help her get out sooner? How is it possible that you can’t feel or see that someone you love is in pain? I know that Carol and Nicky didn’t speak for a while but they both have different versions.
“Carol somewhat acted like it was all her sister’s fault that she hadn’t been around, but of course Nicky’s version is much kinder. Nicky basically says that they were both busy with their lives. In the same breath I heard about the husband that didn’t allow her to have friends or see her family or have a life outside of that household. So which was it?
“I suppose if they were both busy with their lives I can grasp that. But if she was forced to be busy because of an abusive relationship and no one noticed, I don’t get it, you can’t be that self absorbed that you can’t see someone you love is in pain. When I listened to Nicky talk about her experiences there was something missing from the conversation - the emotion that comes with it. She had become so good at hiding her emotions and keeping them to herself that even now ten years later, she still had the walls up. They were so thick that you would need a fucking sledge hammer to get through. I don’t know if anyone will ever be able to get through them. Not until she starts breaking them down within herself. Well it doesn’t matter anyway. Only she knows what she needs.
“Well, either way I needed to meet up with Carol and explain that basically more or less I kissed her sister. Definitely wasn’t giving too many details. Finally, after three days of contemplating, I decided to ask Carol to meet me for a beer. We met at this Chinese restaurant near my house. I had been trying to figure out how I wanted to tell Carol about what had happened without her getting upset. And I had been kind of stand-offish with Carol and Patsy because I didn’t really know how I felt about it. I liked Nicky and the more I talked to her me more I wanted to get to know her.”
CHAPTER #7
Is This My Life or Someone Else’s…Who’s in Charge?
“Carol and I met at a local Chinese restaurant near my house. When we got inside we each ordered a drink. I actually ordered an Amaretto on the rocks. Usually I am a beer drinker. So Carol and I were sitting there making small talk and finally she asked “What’s up, what’s going on with you?” I was nervous and worried about how she was going to react. Besides even though I liked kissing her sister, I felt like an ass for making out with her. I looked at her and I said “I kissed your sister.”
” Was she pissed!”, Brook broke in and asked
“Actually no she wasn’t.” I said and continued.
“There it was out in the open; she looked at me and started laughing. “Are you fucking kidding me? I thought you were going to tell me you were sick or pregnant or leaving.” she said. “Not for nothing Kim, if my sister didn’t make a pass at you, I would have thought there was something wrong with her.” Now, this was a strange statement for me.”
“Well that is a strange thing to say”, Steve commented as Brook bobbed her head in agreement. “I’m confused, why would she think her sister would make a pass at you?”
“I know”, I replied. “I asked the same thing.”
“What? Why would you expect her to make a pass at me? She’s straight?”
“You’re an attractive women and I have always thought she might be gay or bisexual but wasn’t sure. So do you think she is?” she said
“I don’t know, maybe, or maybe she just wants to experiment. Carol please don’t say anything to her, she didn’t want me to say anything to you and I’m sure when she is ready she will tell you on her own.” I pleaded.
“Ok, ok, I won’t say anything.” she told me.
“Thanks, I don’t want her to be upset with me over this. I don’t want anyone to be upset.”
“I thought the conversation ended on a good note and I was happy with the way Carol responded.
“So this is good, she wasn’t mad and you were honest. What happened with the sister?” Brook was like a little girl waiting for the ending when this was just the beginning.
“What happened was, I put myself out there when I shouldn’t have. So, Nicky and I were kind of talking over the next three days. We had silly conversation that made us laugh. She is pretty funny but I think I am funnier. After the second day Carol sent me a text saying that her sister basically told her and they talked about whether she was gay or not. I thought that was cool, I was glad she had opened up to her sister.
“Then I didn’t hear from Carol till the next day, which was the third day after our conversation. It was about 11pm and I got a phone call from Carol. She was trashed but that was normal; she drank a lot. When I answered the phone I started laughing once I realized she was drunk. “What’s going on my friend?” I said.
“I set my sister straight” Carol said.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well I told her to stay the fuck away from you!” she said.
“I was confused… “Why would you do that?” I wanted to know.
“She just wants to use you to experiment with women. And I told her she can’t use you. I also told her about us.”
“Up until that statement I wasn’t really upset but after she said that I got pissed. “First of all I am a grown fucking woman and I don’t need anyone to dictate whom I should be with. Second, how dare she pick and choose who to tell about our arrangement without talking to me first?!? I actually didn’t care who knew because it was my life and as long as they didn’t care who knew I didn’t. Everyone knew them and loved them and rightly so. They were awesome people as individuals and as a couple. And I didn’t want anyone to think that I was interfering with their relationship. But on the subject of telling someone to create a territorial affect, that was a different story. I mean I felt like Carol was almost pissing on her territory by telling her sister. What was the purpose?
“If she didn’t want us to see each other all she had to do was say that. I felt by telling Nicky we were sleeping with each other, she was basically putting claims on me, like I was off limits, although Carol presented it as if she was looking out for me.
“This was the beginning of her trying to control a situation between two people that was uncontrollable other than by the two people involved. But on the subject of exposing the relationship among the three of us, if I met someone I was interested in I would hope and expect they would be supportive and discreet about our relationship. I mean if I went and announced to Patsy’s mother that we were all sleeping together, I don’t think anyone would be happy about that. I don’t mean that I would do anything like that, of course. I would never say anything to Patsy’s family or Carol’s, but I did feel betrayed because of the way that things were done.
“I am not sure what I said but I know I made clear that I was pissed and I felt like she shouldn’t have done that without talking to me first. I asked her what the problem was with Nicky. All she could say me was “She is my sister Kim!” This made no sense to me because three days ago she was fine. I got mad and hung up and then Patsy called me and tried to explain what was going on.
“That just made things worse because I felt the they were trying to tell me who I can see and who I can’t .Which would have been ok if Carol had called me and said, my sister is just looking for an experiment , I think you should stay from her and by the way she is crazy. There definitely was a better way to do it. But at that point, I didn’t even know what to say.
CHAPTER #8
Working through the Insanity…..
“For the next couple of days, Carol and I didn’t really talk but I did keep up with Patsy. She told me that Carol felt really bad because we weren’t talking. I definitely didn’t want her to feel bad, I loved her, and she was my best friend. A while back, she had agreed to teach my daughter, Jesse, how to drive. So I called her and asked if she would give my daughter a driving lesson. Of course she said yes. So she came by, picked up my truck, and they went off for Jesse’s first driving lesson.
“Things didn’t go so smoothly. The truck broke down and there was no way for me to go and pick them up because Carol took the keys to her truck and no one else was around. Now let me remind you, this was the middle of February in Boston. So it was mother fucking cold outside. Carol and Jesse basically walked back to my house and we drove back to the truck so we could try to figure out what was wrong.
“Dead battery, no gas, alternator, who knows I called AAA and told them I needed them to tow it back to my house.
“I think you need a new vehicle”, Brook said with a giggle
“Yes I do! I proclaim with sarcasm, “It’s on my list of things to do.”
“So there we were waiting for the tow. Finally I broke the ice with Carol and asked her “what the fuck was up!” She seemed kind of nervous and I tried to relax her by joking with her about her sister. That’s when she told me she didn’t want me with her sister. This was fine. I mean it was just a kiss or two. So I agreed that I wouldn’t see her sister in a romantic way and we would try to find some other lesbian to play with her. That made her laugh. Carol felt better and I felt better because she wasn’t upset.
“As far as Nicky was concerned, I wasn’t attached to her though she was cool, but I hadn’t invested any real feelings in her so hey what the fuck, my friend wasn’t happy so I agreed to what she wanted. The problem was I really liked talking to her sister. She had a great sense of humor and the way she expressed herself was pretty funny. I loved to listen to her talk about work; she was kind of animated like me but much dryer.
“It was nice to have another friend that I could laugh with who I could also make laugh. I could be myself, or so I thought. But what happened was this: She just stopped talking to me; this was the beginning of my emotional roller coaster ride. I mean as soon as Carol said whatever she said to her she shut me out. Which was ok because I had nothing invested but still pretty odd.
“huge red flag should have gone up when she just shut me out though. But since there was no investment on my part I didn’t take it personally. I didn’t contact her because I figured she would call me if she wanted to talk. Actually I didn’t even have her phone number plugged into my phone. The only way we could have talked was if she called me or we ran into each other. At first I didn’t care about not hearing from her and then after a few weeks, when I thought about it, it bothered me. I didn’t understand why we couldn’t be friends. So I just continued doing what I was doing: Dating, meeting people, being a mother, working and I continued to see Carol and Patsy. I went out on Fridays and Sundays as usual, played pool, listened to music and had a good time.
“So now at this point you and Nicky are not even talking to each other?” Steve asked, confused.
“Nope, she stopped all communication with me.”
March 2009
CHAPTER # 9 She wants me she wants me not…..
“Ok here we go, March… this was an interesting and fucked up month. A lot of different but good things were going on. My birthday was on the thirteenth, and Carol and Patsy were planning a huge 25th anniversary party for the 28th. I decided to celebrate my birthday with my friends at The Secret, the bar we spent so much time at. I had my 21’st there, so why not my 42nd?
“The girls were also having their party there, two weeks after my birthday.
“So you are a Pisces right?” Brook asked.
“Yes I am, two fish swimming in opposite directions, which is exactly how I feel sometimes…
“I know that feeling believe me you’re not alone”, she said with a comforting smile.
“The next part of my story is where things really get complicated. Birthdays are special to me because they are starting points. Most people use New Years to create goals, but I’m a little different - I use my birthday.
“One week before my birthday, I decided to go for a drink by myself at the bar. While I was there, Carol called me to see what I was up to, and I told her where I was. Then she mentioned Nicky which made me asked her how she was doing and basically what the deal was.
“Carol so is your sister mad at me or what?”
“ No, why do you ask?”
“Well I haven’t heard from her in a month. I would really like for her to come to hang out on my birthday.”
“She has been working a lot. I will tell her that you want her to come.” Carol tells me.
“Good, I would love to see her”
“About ten minutes after I hung up with Carol, my phone rang. It was Nicky. We talked for a couple of minutes and of course I invited her to come to hang out. I told her I was looking forward to seeing her. And we hung up.
“During that week I went out to dinner with this woman I had met at The Secret named Stacy. She was really intelligent but overly aggressive and definitely not my type physically. I am not shallow by any means but there has to be some physical attraction with someone I am dating and even though intellectually Stacy was amazing and we had a lot in common because we were both artists, I wasn’t physically attracted to her. The problem was she was so aggressive that she convinced herself she was going to be with me - just a little obnoxious.
“So we went out to dinner, had a great time, and I invited her to my party.”
As I finished my sentence, Ana one of the other waitresses was just coming in. “Hi, Blondie”, she said to me in her broken English.
“How are you my little Mexican?” I yelled out to her as she walked over to meet with the other waitresses.
“Brook and Steve both turned around to see I who was talking to.
“ She is adorable”, Brook noted, as Ana walked by.
“Yes she is, she definitely adds a little brightness to the room when she walks in it.” I replied with a smile.
“So where was I, oh yeah, the day of my birthday I went to Carol and Patsy’s house before I went to the bar, and they gave me my birthday present which was a ticket to Florida! Carol asked me if I wanted to go to Florida with them. I said yes of course. Oh yeah, did I mention that Nicky was also coming? So the plan was for all four of us to go to Daytona together on vacation. At the same time, Carol was going to get some family business done.
“I was so excited because not only was I going to get to hang out with my best friends and I was going to get to meet some of the most important people in Carol’s life; It was one of the best birthday presents I ever gotten. By the time I finished a beer with them and headed out to the bar, it was about 7:30. I wanted to get there early. I bought these glow necklaces to hand out to everyone who came so the people in my life who hadn’t met would know who was there for me. I know, I’m so corny sometimes. It’s the activities director in me. I just thought it would be different.
“So when I got to the bar, Stacy was already there and another women who I had talked to a little bit that a little crush on me. Soon after I got there, Stacy bought me a birthday shot, so I did a shot of Patron and talked about what was going on with me. After about thirty minutes my other friend bought us another shot and we did that. By the time I did the second shot, Carol, Patsy and Nicky showed up.
“Since I hadn’t seen Nicky since the night we had kissed, I wasn’t sure how I would feel about seeing her. So when they came in I gave Carol and Patsy a hug and said hi to Nicky. She was so cute; she actually seemed a little nervous.
“How are you? “I said.
“Good,” she said as she leaned over and whispered to me, “I’m sorry, I didn’t get you anything for your birthday.” she said.I started to laugh.
“I don’t care about that, I’m just glad you came.” I said.
“She smiled at me and I got her a drink. After a couple of minutes, Patsy came over and was talking to us, when Stacy asked all three of us if we wanted to a shot.
“Sure”, I said, “but I don’t think Nicky and Patsy are up for tequila.”
“Just as it came out of my mouth, Nicky looked at me and said “I can do a shot,. What is it?”
“I kind of laughed to myself and said, “Ok. You’re a big girl, I just don’t want you to get sick.” A moment later, we all had shots in front of us. That shot was the shot that cause all the problems I think...
“Ok, let’s do it then,” I said. Nicky picked her shot up and took a little sip. I started laughing because she basically spit it out, and said “I can’t drink that!
“Actually I am laughing now just thinking about it. So, needless to say she didn’t do her shot. We did ours and she toasted with her drink. I actually did her shot, got a beer, and the night went on.
“After a couple of minutes I asked Nicky if she wanted to play some pool. She still seemed a little nervous and I wanted her to relax and have a good time. So we played some pool, laughed a little bit, and went out and had a smoke. By then some of my friends showed up and I basically started working the room and talking to people. During the night I started to feel a little buzzed but ok. I hadn’t had a drink in a while I just kept nursing a draft beer.
“Then my friend Falan and her girl showed up. I was so excited, she was such a special soul and her being there meant a lot to me. I gave them both a big hug and thanked them for coming. After a couple of minutes we decided to play some music and headed over to the juke box.While we were talking I could feel someone watching me. It was kind of strange because the feeling was so strong that it made me look around the room.
“That’s when I noticed Nicky watching us. My eyes met hers for a brief moment and I felt this connection to her that I hadn’t felt before. It was kind of overwhelming but I was also feeling a little dizzy from drinking. Now that I think about it, she was probably reading my lips and I was imagining a connection. Oh yeah, I forget to mention that one of her many skills is sign language. I guess reading lips comes with that skill and working with the deaf.
“After a couple of minutes I felt like I needed to use the ladies room. Falen and Kat followed, talking to me as we walked. When we got in there, there was a wait but finally a stall opened. I walked into the stall and told my friends I would be right out, and that was the end of my night! The next thing I remember is waking up on the floor of Carol and Patsy’s living room. The two of them asking me how I felt and if I was ok.
“There was a plastic Tupperware container at the base of my head, with puke. My head was pounding and I was so nauseous. Once I got up off the floor, I asked what happened and they went on to explain how I went into the stall and basically passed out. I had to be carried out of the bar and they took me to their house to take care of me. I remember nothing, just walking into the bathroom. I guess from what I was told, Carol, Patsy and Nicky got me back to their house and watched over me all night. Nicky told them how to make sure I didn’t choke on my puke and they made sure I made it through the night. I was mortified. How the fuck did this happen? I didn’t drink enough to pass out and I have never reacted to alcohol like that before. We talked about it and came to the conclusion that someone must have slipped me something in my drink.
“I was so embarrassed that I swore I would never go back to that bar.”
“Did you ever find out who did it, who mickied your drink?” Steve asked.
“No, but they suspected the girl Stacy that I had gone out to dinner with the week before. Carol and Patsy were so great they reassured me that everything was ok. How nice is it that the women I felt this connection with were actually helping clean up my puke! Real nice.
“Well since it was a Saturday I had to go work, which I did, even though I felt like total shit. The next day, Sunday afternoon, I got a phone call from Nicky.
“Hey drunken ass, how are you feeling?”
“Much better, I wasn’t drunk; someone did something to my drink.” I said.
“She started laughing, and making fun of me. We talked about our kids, being parents, work, life, relationships, and different people in her life. My favorite thing about our conversation was her laugh; I loved to make her laugh. So, that is what I tried to do the entire time we talked. After a while, I mentioned that my schedule was about to change at work. Pretty soon I would be working basically five to six days a week.
Right after I explained about my work schedule, Nicky asked” So, when is that going to happen?
“I started laughing and said, “Why, you want to go out on a date?“
“At the time I was basically flirting, half serious. But to my surprise, she said “Yes”.
“So she really did like you?” Brook asked as she indicated she was ready for another drink.
“At this point I think she was intrigued by me. So I asked her “When do you want to get together?”
“I am off on Wednesday,” she said. “Why don’t we get together and do something then.”
“I would love that! ” I said.
“First, I have to clear it with my sister”, she said.
“So we basically set up a lunch date and I was pretty excited. I really wanted to know more about who this woman was. I felt this strange draw to her and I wanted to know why.”
CHAPTER 10…
OUR FIRST DATE…NOT..
“Obviously I was attracted to her, so there was some chemistry; chemistry is a strange human factor isn’t it? If you have chemistry with someone it can create pure insanity if you are not sure what you want from each other. My issue is I haven’t had this kind of attraction or chemistry with anyone in a long time. I had forgotten what it felt like to feel that obsessive sexual desire. To get butterflies in your heart when you know you’re going to see them or talk to them. It can be amazing if the two people involved are on the same page, but only if they are on the same page. After our conversation I knew I needed to talk to Carol. I didn’t think a lunch date would cause so much fucking drama.
“But it did. So Nikki and I made the date on Sunday and I set up lunch with Carol on with plans to go out with Nikki on Wednesday. Sounds simple enough, right? But it wasn’t. Carol and I met at the 99 Restaurant for lunch. When we got there, we talked about my birthday and she was so sweet. She reassured me that everything that happened on my birthday wasn’t my fault and I shouldn’t beat myself up over it. She had contacted the bar and learned that it had happened before with another women and they thought they knew could have done it. I was glad to hear that and I loved her for taking care of me. Then I carefully opened the can of worms.
“Carol I talked to Nicky for a while today. She called to check up on me because of my birthday and make fun of me”. I laughed,
“She's good like that." Carol said. "She is really sweet, I really like her."
"Me to," Carol said. And then I really looked at Carol and in a serious tone said, "No, I mean I really like her and I want to get to know her.”
Carol's whole demeanor changed, “Oh, you know how I feel about you and my sister Kim."
"Actually I don't because we really didn't talk about it and I wasn't sure if I was interested in her but I am. Nothing heavy, we just talked about getting together for lunch and hanging out."
“Kim, my sister is not a lesbian and she's just going to hurt you, believe me I know my sister. She manipulates things to get what she wants and then destroys it."
“I paused for a minute to gather my thoughts.

“I’m a big girl Carol. I didn't say we were getting married; just getting together for lunch."
“I don't want you and my sister together, Kim. I know you’re going to do what you want anyway but I don’t want any part of it. Can’t the two of you wait until we get back from Florida?” she said.
“Another statement I didn’t understand. Why did matter if we got to know each other now or in two months?
“After lunch I walked her to her car. The tension coming off her was not a good thing. She was definitely upset. And I hated the way things felt between us when I left. When I got home I messaged Nicky and told her how the conversation went and how Carol said she was going to hurt me. But I also said I was a grown up and I would be fine. I definitely should have listened to my friend.
“This conversation with Nicky was happening via text messages. I fucking hate this form of communication. It has become the coward’s way out of anything emotionally challenging. You don’t want to face someone or you’re afraid of hearing their response, text them, easy out, coward’s way out, just my opinion. So we texted for a couple of minutes and she said she would see me Wednesday. I thought it would be cool to go somewhere and do something just the two of us. Two hours later I got a text cancelling because of Carol.
“Kim, I can’t see you because it would make my sister sad.”
“And this is when we basically started corresponding by email. She didn’t really correspond as much as I did. It was a way for me to say what I wanted and get my feelings out. But through the emails I realized how much I like to write. Writing gave me joy and I it made me feel like I was free to say whatever I wanted without any consequences. So after she cancelled I sat down and wrote my first email to her.
“Here is what the email said. I hadn’t looked at this email since I sent it. But reading it again really makes feel like I must have been slipped some kind of love potion. Especially since I still feel the same way I felt when I wrote this email. I am of course much wiser and my emotions are exactly where they need to be. But I still want nothing but for Nicky to be happy.

March 17, 2009 FIRST EMAIL

Hey Missy......my Fantasy Nurse....
So since I am not going to get to see you and talk to you in person, I thought I would write you a letter..... haven't put out anything this real in a long time... I hope I don't bore you.... but my brain feels like it's going to explode in a good way..... I guess...
Well after you sent me the message cancelling our almost first something... not sure if I should call it a date or not... don't want to get ahead of myself and freak you out... I do have some things I want to put out there just so you know where I am coming from. I have been dating and doing whatever it is I am supposed to do for a while but somehow not really putting myself out there. Confusing isn't it? Try being me for a second. Basically I have this theory that everything is about chemistry and understanding and connection when it comes to being attracted to, or wanting someone... for whatever reasons. As a nurse I am sure you can relate a little bit to what I am saying… sex, desire, being in love are all created by a chemical balance or mixture of endorphins and hormones and whatever else...and I haven't really felt any kind of chemical imbalance or balance towards another person in a long time... until you… By the way, I fucking analyze everything to death... lol...can't help it.
Logically I really must be a control freak over my own emotions, feelings and life... but I never analyze my love for the people in my life... because my wish for all of them is that they know they are loved, happy and safe...it’s that simple.
Me, I am happy almost 95% of the time... I like myself, I am a confident, intelligent, loving human being and I am grateful for all I have and all I have accomplished and look forward to whatever challenges may come next. That is what life is: one big challenge...
Being parents, we also know what sacrifice is...We have done whatever we had to so our kids could have a better life. We have put them before us even when we were tired and felt unappreciated and irritated. We have loved them unconditionally and without judgment, for no other reason than that they are a part of us. I think I am a really good human being. I would do anything for anyone if I was capable. I love everyone that is in my life unconditionally and accept them for who they are… and all I really want in return is the same... to be able to love and be with someone that makes me feel alive... even if for a moment. I am far from greedy... or jealous or petty. A moment would be enough if that’s all I could get. (:
I believe that people come into each others’ lives to teach each other... about themselves. I don't know what is going on between us. What I do know is I like the way it feels. I like the way I feel when I think of your smile and your voice and laugh. The other night at the bar before all the insanity, I remember looking over at you from the juke box and I felt like you were looking at me. I could be totally off, you know, since I was so fucking intoxicated... lol ... but I felt connected to you in a way I haven't felt; haven’t even wanted to feel, in a long time... Something in your eyes… I can't hide anything because of my eyes... Gateway to the soul, right? I absolutely don't want to hurt anyone and of course I don't want to get hurt, but without hurt there is no growth... and if I can feel this good and I haven't even slept with you yet... it’s all good to me... Although … let me be very clear... I fucking want you so bad... lol... I want to feel your body next to mine; to put my lips on every inch of you... to give you anything you have thought of or desired sexually... make you cum until you can't cum anymore. Ever since that night I followed you home and slipped my hands in your panties and felt how wet your pussy was… I want to be inside you and I want to feel you all over me. You know even if nothing ever happens and you decide “hey I am not interested”, I am grateful that I met you and I thank you for helping me to feel again... even if you don't feel the same and I never get to touch you again... I
would be sad... but you gave me back my desire to love again. It's a great thing... joy, sex and fantasy along with laughter, trust and friendship. I thank you....for making me feel normal again...
Have a great day off. I will be thinking of you. No matter what happens, you will always have me here as a friend… when you need to laugh or scream or cry... remember that...
Got to go to work now... Happy Saint Patty's Day...

Kim

March 18th
The next day – the day after I emailed her - was the day we were supposed to go on our date or to lunch or whatever it was. Since we weren’t going to get together I took on a double at work. I figured if I kept busy I would be ok. So I got into work around 10:30 am. I set up and helped my waitress set up. It was pretty slow and all I could think about and talk about was Nicky. I really wanted to see her but what are you going to do? It was so strange though because I could actually feel her thinking about me. I was anxious but in a good way. I had butterflies and my heart was full of this lightness like everything was so warm and beautiful. My girl Gina from upstairs was making fun of me because I had a smile from ear to ear. When I looked at the clock it was about 1:30; time was going by so slow it was frustrating. At this point I had not heard from Nicky and decided to send her a text to see how her day was going. So I picked up my phone and opened it and when I did a text came in for me.
It was from Nicky. It was so weird. We actually were going to text each other at the same time. My cheeks were aching from all the smiling, and yet as I opened the text, I grinned all the more. The message read, “Are you working?” I thought to myself, why she would ask that? She knows I’m working.
Then I got this rush through my body like I could almost feel her. Amazing how we can sense some people so strongly it is almost as if we feel them beside us. I couldn’t shake her presence, so I requested it. My message to her was “Yes I am, so why don’t you come and see me, or is that against the rules?” I shut my phone and headed up stairs to talk to Gina.
While I was upstairs talking with Gina, Kerri came up and called me. “Hey Kim, there is a women down stairs looking for you”.
“Really, what does she look like?” I asked.
“She’s cute, really long blonde hair and thin.”
I couldn’t believe it. She actually came in to see me. I was so excited! I ran down stairs right away. When I got to the bottom of the stairs, there she was with her back to me. All I could see was long blonde hair flowing down her back. It was a beautiful sight. I was so happy at that moment. And I didn’t even know why.
“Ok, so let me get this right. Her sister didn’t want you guys to hang out and she showed up anyway after she told you she couldn’t see you?” Steve asked as he sipped his drink.
I nodded. “As I walked towards her I called her name and she turned around towards me, glowing. My heart was pounding. She had this big smile that would have made anyone’s day and she looked so happy. That alone made me happy. When I finally got to her I went to give her a hug and she kissed me on the lips. I was surprised but pleased at the same time. All the lectures from Carol about how Nikky would turn me into her dirty little secret if we got together, kind of made me think she wouldn't be so open in public. I shouldn’t listen to other people’s shit anyway. My heart is usually ninety nine percent right.
I looked into her beautiful blue eyes. “What are you doing here? You are going to cause problems,” I said with a big smile. She smiled back and said “I know. My sister doesn’t know I’m here” and then she handed me this silver bag with some fancy lace on it. “Happy Birthday.”
I was shocked, so of course the pervert that I am, I reached over to take the bag and I half whispered to her, half laughed to myself, “So are these lotions for a body rub down?” She laughed and handed me the bag and said “No, it’s a bracelet,” she was so innocent, or so I thought. I didn’t even know what to say. “ You bought me jewelry?” I couldn’t believe she bought me jewelry. My heart was filled with happiness.
As I opened the bracelet which was beautiful, she was rambling on about how if I didn’t like it, I could take it back. Oh my god, I wanted to kiss her so badly, my heart was pounding, and my palms were sweaty.
“Are you kidding? I love, love the bracelet. Put it on me right now,” which she did. I actually didn’t take it off till just recently. I love the bracelet and that moment when she gave it to me will stay with me always, because she looked so happy. I wish I could see her happy like that always.
“She stayed for a couple of minutes and mentioned that she was going to tell Carol she had come by to see me. Ok, I mean I thought it was harmless. She made my day, I was so glad she came by. Her coming in to bring me birthday present made up for the horrible night I had on my birthday. She made my birthday special and I will always be grateful for that. After a couple of minutes she gave me a kiss and a hug goodbye and was on her way. After about ten minutes she sent me a text saying she talked to Carol and everything was ok. I sent her back one saying, “good”. And then I got a text from Carol, “I told you to stay away from my sister.” I was pretty confused. Carol was angry, but I figured we could talk about it later.”
CHAPTER 11 HOW THE BUTTERFLY CAME TO BE....
“So I went back to work, gloating about my present to everyone and showing it off proudly. I figured I would get a call from Nicky later. She had asked me what time I was getting off work and I thought maybe she changed her mind about us getting together. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! I basically waited until about eight pm that night and I felt like something was wrong. So I texted her to see what was up. And when I got the reply text, I could feel the coldness. Funny how happiness and warmth can turn to cold so quickly.
“The message read “I’m sleeping.” I thought she must have had a rough day. Little did I know that this was the beginning of the Butterfly going into a cocoon. Whenever things got stressful, she basically would go take a nap. That was how she escaped from her feelings of disappointment, I guess. The more I got to know her, the more I felt like she represented a butterfly.
“There is a theory that a Butterfly’s wings might create tiny changes in the atmosphere that may ultimately alter the path of tornado or delay, accelerate or even prevent the occurrence of a weather event in a certain location. The flapping of wings represents a small change in the initial condition of the system, which causes a chain of events leading to large-scale alterations of events. Had the butterfly not flapped its wings, the trajectory of the system might have been vastly different.
“While the butterfly does not cause the tornado, the flap of its wings is an essential part of the initial conditions resulting in a tornado. Imagine that just the flap of a butterfly’s wings could cause a tornado or prevent one. And this particular butterfly could cause multiple tornados without ever meaning to. All I know is my path being crossed with this butterfly created many ripples, some good, some challenging but all worth the flap of her wings. This definition absolutely represents Nicky. A butterfly is such a beautiful creature, so graceful and elegant and free. The main thing that a butterfly represents to me is change. I remember, when I was a kid I used to capture caterpillars and we would put them in jars and wait for them to form their cocoons and emerge as the butterflies they were meant to be.
“I don’t know what it is about Nicky that made me feel so alive, or maybe I do. She made me want to change my life and I didn’t know why or how until now. Don’t ask me how but I understood why she was in her own cocoon and hadn’t really tried to emerge from it to become the butterfly she was meant to be. She wasn’t ready to fly yet; maybe she thought her wings wouldn’t be strong enough. All I really wanted to do was help her see that she could; that her wings were strong enough. How could I help her see that she had the strength, if I didn’t? She gave me the clarity and strength to want to love again. No matter how it ended up, I knew I wanted to spread my wings and open my heart, especially if I could help someone else see that they could do the same. I know it sounds crazy but from the moment we kissed I knew I was supposed to help her see herself. I really didn’t do a good job of helping her accomplish that though.
“What Nicky was to me, was a beautiful creature that needed to have the freedom to fly and land when she felt safe. But every once in a while even if she felt safe, she still needed to fly because that’s just what they do. Her flying away involved ignoring me and taking a lot of naps. Everyone has their way to fly out of sight when they need to regroup or escape. She just shut the world out by sleeping.
“What happened is Carol basically told sister that she didn’t want us together and she really meant it. God only knows what else was said. But I am sure it was all the negative things that come with challenging your fears to create your happiness. Or how lesbians are fucked and how destructive it would be if Nicky came out. ‘Are you ready to be outed?’ ‘Are you ready to tell your kids you’re a lesbian?’ Why would you scare someone or make someone feel shitty about feeling something new that makes them feel good? Why not tell them that it make no difference if two people really care about each other and are meant to be together, whether it be long term, or just to experience something great for a minute. If they make each other feel good and bring happiness to each other that’s a good thing!”
Brook busted in. “Kim, what’s wrong with Carol is she jealous of her sister!”
“I don’t know, I was just as confused as you are.”
And I am still confused. Doesn’t Carol want her sister to be happy? If two people are happy together, what else matters?
Brook was getting a little frustrated at this point.
“You can run and hide and believe all the bullshit given to you to make you afraid and give up your shot at happiness. It happens especially when someone you love and trust knows how to push your buttons and intentionally does so, to scare you, then takes their own fears and projects them onto you.
“Carol used the term cock blocking a couple of times, which I absolutely felt like she was doing, although it wasn’t just about sex; I really liked Nicky. She shut herself off from me and I didn’t hear from her for days. No explanation, just silence. It was fucking horrible. I didn’t know what to do or how I could get through to her. Carol wasn’t speaking to me so I made a visit to her house to so we could talk things through. And we did talk. I explained to her my point of view and she explained hers.
“Carol said some pretty mean things but her main point was her sister was not a lesbian and she didn’t want her to be. Some of the shit she said to me was pretty fucked. I mean she told me her sister wasn’t very smart or compassionate and she just wants what she wants. She more or less had a princess complex. I argued my points and said that everything she was saying I didn’t see. “Carol, she is a nurse, you don’t become a nurse by being stupid or uncompassionate.” I felt like Carol was being unreasonable. Almost like she really didn't know her sister or at least the person I had come to know. I thought she was actually more intelligent than most of the women I have dated. Let me tell you I have dated some pretty smart women.”
Sisters through and through….
“She is not going to call you, Kim, I told her not to!” Carol informed me; Carol wanted me to understand that she had all the power when it came to her sister; all the control… and she did. That pissed me off but Nicky is a grown up. If she isn’t calling me because her sister told her not to, what do I want to be involved with someone like that for? Why would I want to be with someone who can’t make their own decisions about who they want to be with?
“We talked for a long time and since I knew I wasn’t going to hear from Nicky I decided to send her another email. I wanted an explanation; I thought I deserved an explanation. Carol had all the power and there was nothing I could do about it. Things were steadily getting more confusing and bizarre…I mean I love my sister but I would never do anything to keep her from being happy. The thing that upset me most was Carol’s reaction to us being interested in each other. We both told her that we made each other feel good when we thought about one another and we just wanted to see where it went. I felt like Carol was jealous of her sister or of me wanting her sister. Maybe there was resentment from when they were kids that was never resolved. I felt like she didn’t want her sister to be happy which really broke my heart.
“That conversation changed the way I behaved around Carol, what I said to her about Nicky and to some degree, the respect I had for her changed forever. I no longer saw her the same. I felt like she was being manipulative and deceitful. She was trying to say anything and doing everything she could to keep me from wanting to be with Nicky.