CHRONICLES OF A LESBIAN BARTENDER
FOR THE LOVE OF A BUTTERFLY
a love story with a few twists, some major dysfunction
and a little spiritual growth for good measure

INTRODUCTION

It had been close to three months since I last spoke with Nicky, my brain and heart still constantly trying to process what had happened between us. How could I fall in love with a straight woman? Why did I risk losing a 25 year friendship to be with someone that had no concept of commitment or unconditional love? Does true love exist or is it a myth instilled in us, so we are forever searching and reaching for some unseen connection to another human being? Is love worth it? I think so and I will tell you why.
Throughout most of my adult life I have been attracted to women. Since high school I knew there was something different about me. While my friends were talking about their boyfriends and when they were going to do it, I was focused on how many free throws I could get in a row at basketball practice so I could impress the girls on my team. Most of the girls I spent time with were pretty developed; Not me. The boys used to call me “carpenter’s dream, flat as a board and never been nailed.” Now that I think it about it, they were pretty mean. They definitely couldn’t say that about me now. I bet if the boys were here now and we compared notes, I have probably been with more women then they have, over the last 20 years, at least. I have to say I have been in love with some pretty amazing women. My journey up to this point has been an adventure that, even if I could, I would not change. Why? Because I would be petrified that if I did, it would change the lessons I’ve learned. I wouldn’t be me, the amazing woman I am today.
I could tell you stories all day long about different women I have loved, what they brought into my life, and the many lessons I’ve learned along the way. But this story is the one that has brought me to you. This one woman in particular, woke something inside me that lay dormant; a part of me deep within, that I had no idea existed. Loving her made me whole again, although the journey I had to go through was painful and hopeless at times. She helped me find my true passion within myself, and for that, I will always be grateful.



Chapter 1 ANGELS ARE EVERYWHERE

Durgin Park had become my home away from home over the last year. It is one of the oldest restaurants in Boston. Established in 1826 in the heart of Quincy Market, the building itself was huge. There were five floors, four of which were utilized for customers depending on the need and want.
Each customer visiting us brought with them a memory of some amazing moment created at Durgin Park in years past. Many customers had been there years before and wanted to introduce a new family member or lover to the history of our crazy but fun restaurant. Stories of lovers and their first dates came to us from all walks of life and from all over the world. It was amazing to meet a couple who had been there 50 years prior and were still as in love with each other as they had been on that first date.

Over the years families had developed a tradition of celebrating reunions and special family moments at the place where the waitresses were known to be sassy, full of spunk, sarcasm and a devotion to giving customers the show that they came there for. One of my favorite waitresses is a woman named Gina. She has been there for over thirty years. In 1966 she was a Playboy Bunny. Now in her early 60’s, Gina still looks great, standing about 5’4” with an average build, almond shaped hazel eyes and long bleached blonde hair, usually wrapped in rollers when I arrive for my shift. Actually, now that I think of it, I don’t think I have ever seen her with her hair down. Whenever I see her, it’s early morning or late afternoon, and she is always in uniform. We always sit and talk for a few minutes before I go downstairs to set up for the day. She is one of the most real women I have ever met. Her truth is real truth. You can always count on her to stand up for the little guy and protect the innocent. Her honesty and genuine nature are refreshing. She makes it easy to work because she makes you feel like you belong.

Over the last few months, we have become great friends. I could tell her anything and I know she will put me right where I belonged. Big L, which means Big Lesbian, is my designated nickname from most of the staff. Yes, I was the token lesbian in the restaurant, which was fine by me. Everyone I work with is family to me. Over the last few months, work became the place I unloaded my stress and expressed my happiness.

Most of my shifts are in the Glass Light Pub. It’s located on the ground floor and overlooks Faneuil Hall. There are thirteen stools at the bar, and five booths up against the wall. The ceiling is the original tin ceiling and the walls are made of concrete, painted a dark maroon. There are glass framed pictures of moments in history, from Babe Ruth to Presidents Roosevelt. The bar itself was made of oak and in need of refinishing. But if we did refinish it, it would almost be like erasing a bit of history. Babe Ruth sat at that bar and so did Kennedy. My point is this: There was so much history at that bar, and every time I worked it, I was creating some of my own. How awesome is that?

Over time, this room, The Glass Light Pub, became my couch; my safe haven. This is the place where I opened my heart and spoke truth to whoever would listen. Going to work became therapy because there, I could let my thoughts and feelings run free. I expressed myself openly and spoke without filtering anything. My customers and I shared intimate details of our lives and became mutual therapists without the cost. The connections and moments that I have made on this journey are stories that I will be telling for years to come.

My life over the past year had become consumed with sex-love-friendship and betrayal. Each moment of emotion I went through was experienced with incredible empathy and understanding at all times. Once they sat down and I put that first drink in front of them, they stayed till my story was finished, attentive to every word I spoke, hungry for all the details of my lovers, past and present, willing and waiting patiently to give me their take on what they think I should do, sharing their life stories as they compared to my situation, each customer doing their best to convince me not to let the heartache from this experience keep me from trusting and loving someone else.

Sometimes people come into your life for a minute and without knowing create changes to your core for the better. My customers and friends have done just that for me and I hope I have done that for them. Angels come in many forms and I feel like in some way, everyone who enters your life changes it to some degree. We meet people every day who are willing to take a minute and listen or help when they don’t have to.

This is a love story that I definitely didn’t see coming. It caught me by surprise; I wasn’t looking for it. It is also a story about self discovery, truth, and every day people who make a difference without trying. Each character has its own story as well as strengths and weaknesses.

It was about 11:30 and I was talking to Vicky and Sam, two of the waitresses that I worked with regularly. Vicky was this beautiful young woman with a soul way beyond her young years. She was only 23 but had the soul of an 80 year old women at times, wise and kind. She and I would talk about our lives and I had grown to love her like a daughter. Sam was a little younger, already married, and one of the sweetest young people I have met in a long time.

While I was talking to the girls, a couple came in and seated themselves at the bar. As I walked over to them I introduced myself, “Hi, how are you, my name is Kim, would you like a menu or just drinks?” I smiled and put a napkin in front of them. They both smiled back at me and introduced themselves as well. “Hi Kim, I’m Brook and this is Steve. What’s your specialty?” “Do you want sweet or sour?" I asked. “I’m thinking sweet“; Brook said as she looked at Steve and shook her head up and down. With that, I made them one of my killer Hypnotic concoctions.
“So, where are you from and how long have you been together?’ I asked. This question almost always gets them to relax and open up a bit. After a few more basic questions, somehow we wind ourselves around to philosophical conversations about religion, politics, the universe, The Secret or who knows what. Next thing I know we are talking about our lovers and past relationships, families. “So Kim”, Brook asks. “Are you single?” Now that’s a question with multiple answers. “Well I am not sure”, I say with a smirk. “What do mean? Come on spill?” She says with an inviting smile.

By this time she and Steve already know I am a lesbian and they have someone they want me to meet. “Well how about I tell you what’s going on and you tell me if you think I’m single or crazy… I am technically single, but not emotionally. What I mean is I am in love with someone who I thought cared about me. Of course I still love her and I always will. But I am struggling with the process of putting myself out there for an opportunity with someone else. How about I just tell you what went on and you can give me your take on it.”